Critics » Diva Velez » Rotten
Diva Velez

Diva Velez

Agrees with the Tomatometer 73% of the time.

Publications:
MonkeyPeaches , TheDivaReview.com
Critics' Group:
New York Film Critics Online
Total Reviews:
249

Worst Reviewed Films

Showing 1 - 50 of 249
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Rating T-Meter Title | Year Add Date
1/5 17% I Don't Know How She Does It (2011) " Ill-conceived and ill-timed, this unfunny yuppies' lament couldn't be more insulting to single parents, women, or anyone struggling to make a living. Excuse me while I cry as success ruins the characters' perfect lives." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Sep 17, 2011
1/5 28% Remember Me (2010) " What was a well acted, heartfelt love story of two wounded souls finding each other and learning to heal is obliterated in one vile, manipulative swoop. This ending wasn't deep or thought-provoking; this was a sucker punch." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 13, 2010
1.5/5 35% Battle: Los Angeles (2011) " I don't know why this movie exists. A completely unoriginal mash-up of every good alien invasion film there's ever been, resulting in an ugly, uninspired, laughably bad mess that'll give you motion sickness while making your ears bleed." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 11, 2011
1.5/5 30% Sanctum (2011) " Stale, unimpressive and possessed of a laughably terrible script that should never have made it past the treatment stage. Even chanting producer James Cameron's name over and over, as in Sanctum's TV spots, can't summon a better movie." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Feb 5, 2011
1.5/5 43% Dinner for Schmucks (2010) " Dinner for Schmucks must be code for the meal filmmakers intend to make out of poor suckers paying good money expecting a laugh. 90 minutes of dead mouse dioramas would've been better entertainment than this." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Aug 1, 2010
1.5/5 69% [Rec] 2 (2010) " The original created so much international buzz, who could blame the filmmakers for going the well twice? I can. [REC] 2 is a straight-up money grab so terrible it threatens to ruin the memory of how good [REC] was." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jul 11, 2010
1.5/5 6% All About Steve (2009) " Mistaking cute and quirky for teeth-grindingly obnoxious, All About Steve is one of the most irritating moviegoing experiences of the year. Shame on you, Sandra Bullock, you know better than this." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Sep 5, 2009
1.5/5 0% Homecoming (2009) " When is a movie remake not a movie remake? When the filmmakers involved know what they've made is so wretched they don't dare admit it. The most oblivious MTV viewer won't miss the blatant plagiarism." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jul 17, 2009
1.5/5 14% Dragonball Evolution (2009) " For anyone writing it off as a kiddie film, Dragonball: Evolution should be considered child abuse. Put everyone involved with this catastrophe on the receiving end of a Kamehameha wave." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Apr 18, 2009
1.5/5 12% The Unborn (2009) " A ham-fisted attempt at a Semitic version of The Exorcist that is utterly unoriginal and totally devoid of actual frights." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jan 11, 2009
1.5/5 77% Cloverfield (2008) " I've never cheered so hard for the monster to win in my life." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Feb 28, 2008
2/5 41% Dark Shadows (2012) " Not funny enough to be called a comedy nor remotely frightening or dramatic enough to portray the original TV show's scarier leanings. Dark Shadows has no idea what it wants to be and ends up being nothing. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted May 13, 2012
2/5 52% John Carter (2012) " Based on a 1912 Edgar Rice Burroughs novel, John Carter is an overlong, muddled mess of a film that should've waited another hundred years for a good script." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 10, 2012
2/5 75% The Adventures of Tintin (2011) " Noisy, repetitive and obnoxious, The Adventures of Tintin's sensory overload is somehow blindingly dull. The barrage of onscreen overstimulation will keep kids glued to their seats, but won't make them care about or cherish the characters." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Dec 29, 2011
2/5 25% Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011) " A boring mess that exists only to milk the fans that made the series a success, but is so unsexy and just plain weird that even the most devoted Twihards stand to be disappointed or grossed out, or possibly, both." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Nov 20, 2011
2/5 6% The Last Airbender (2010) " Controversial casting aside, could The Last Airbender ever have been a good movie? Not at all; it's a listless, incompetent, boring mess that insults the comprehension of even the youngest child in the audience." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jul 4, 2010
2/5 15% Sex and the City 2 (2010) " A flagrant insult to the audience that made the first film a phenomenon. Shame on the writers of this soulless drivel for trying to pass this Canal Street bootleg sow's ear off as a genuine Alexander McQueen silk purse." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted May 29, 2010
2/5 15% A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) " Scarred by bad makeup, subpar acting and overall inept storytelling, A Nightmare on Elm Street is a bad dream for fans of the original 1984 movie or anyone who enjoys well made horror films." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted May 2, 2010
2/5 28% Clash of the Titans (2010) " Charmless, ugly and lackluster with a laughably bad script, it's no improvement on the original film and on its own merits is just unfortunate. I'm sure the video game tie-in will be more entertaining than this." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Apr 3, 2010
2/5 20% Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) " Put in your earplugs and grab the aspirin. Enjoyable for the only the easiest to please 10-year-old boys; this deafening, tiresome epic is a skull-splitting hot mess for everyone else." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jun 26, 2009
2/5 15% Year One (2009) " Instead of anything clever or original as one might expect from Harold Ramis; we're subjected to gross-out jokes. Note to Mr. Ramis; the Fountain of Comedy Youth is probably not located in a sewer." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jun 18, 2009
2/5 51% Observe and Report (2009) " Bitter, ugly and painful to watch. Given the choice between a repeated bludgeoning with a tire iron and sitting through Observe and Report, go with the tire iron, you'll feel better when it's over." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Apr 10, 2009
2/5 14% The Spirit (2008) " The Spirit is an aesthetically lovely, self-indulgent, disjointed mess of a film about a superhero, who, like this movie, isn't all that super - but the costumes are really nice." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Dec 25, 2008
2/5 49% Twilight (2008) " Surely someone in power must've seen Twilight for the hackneyed and blatant attempt to cash in on the devotion of a diehard following it is and said, 'Boy this is awful, but it doesn't really matter cos it's gonna make bank.'" — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Nov 21, 2008
2/5 57% Noise (2007) " Noise is meant to be a fable of personal empowerment for Everyman, but due to some wildly uneven direction and one-dimensional characters, it simply comes off as a shallow Yuppie fairy tale." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted May 8, 2008
2/5 30% Boarding Gate (2008) " There are long, droning bouts of dialog about nothing meant to link scenes together, but all Boarding Gate really does is fixate on watching Asia Argento do stuff." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 22, 2008
2/5 26% Drillbit Taylor (2008) " Even the breezy, laid-back charms of Owen Wilson couldn't have saved Drillbit Taylor from being the middling effort that it is." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 20, 2008
2/5 51% Funny Games (2008) " Haneke has constructed a gimmicky, pretentious mess that deservedly or not, will generate controversy. After all, generating controversy with Funny Games is Haneke's unabashed goal; would that it was making a better film." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 14, 2008
2.5/5 80% Haywire (2012) " Hobbled by bad pacing and an anemic script, Haywire should've been a fun popcorn actioner showing off Gina Carano's wonderfully brutal talents, which deserve a far more energetic and inspired vehicle." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jan 21, 2012
2.5/5 94% Hugo (2011) " Scorsese uses 3D to submerge viewers into a glittering storybook world, but all of Hugo's beauty can't make up for the sidetracking of the tale of the orphaned boy living in the train station in favor of a film preservation PSA." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Nov 27, 2011
2.5/5 36% The Thing (2011) " Consisting of a few shock pops and queasy effects, The Thing is tired, rote and uninspired, becoming a waiting game to see who gets knocked off next. There's nothing here not seen before, including in its superior 1982 sire. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Oct 30, 2011
2.5/5 4% Abduction (2011) " Abduction needs two different reviews. For the Lautner fans, this is so the film you've been waiting for. For non-fans, it's full of holes, impossibilities and unintentionally hilarious dialog written by a sixth grader that doesn't get out much. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Sep 24, 2011
2.5/5 27% Colombiana (2011) " Wrapped in B-movie trappings from its clichéd script and implausible scenarios to less than thrilling action, the best thing Colombiana has going for it is the lovely Ms. Saldana, who deserves much better than this." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Aug 28, 2011
2.5/5 74% Fright Night (2011) " Flat, charmless and downright boring at times, the not frightening Fright Night will succeed only in making viewers yearn for the far superior original 1985 film. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Aug 20, 2011
2.5/5 44% Cowboys & Aliens (2011) " I had high hopes for the audacious concept of Cowboys and Aliens and was disappointed by the film's flatness and lack of any real sparks or ingenuity outside of the efforts of its worthy cast." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jul 30, 2011
2.5/5 38% Cars 2 (2011) " Cars 2's lovely globe-spanning graphics and 007-ish action give it a slight edge over its sire, but not by much. The overlong, convoluted plot and charmless, bargain-basement humour is way beneath Pixar standards." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jun 26, 2011
2.5/5 27% Green Lantern (2011) " In a summer filled with flights of comic book fancy, Green Lantern only distinguishes itself by being one of the goofiest superhero movies of the year." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jun 18, 2011
2.5/5 77% Thor (2011) " Everything aboutThor seems afterthought and cast-off, from its cheap-looking production values and dull action to its flat script. It's telling that Chris Hemsworth's shirtless scene is the movie's most special effect. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted May 8, 2011
2.5/5 50% Mildred Pierce (2012) " Gorgeous and brilliantly performed as it is, Mildred Pierce's languid pacing and strict adherence to James M. Cain's novel might have been an admirable concept, but doesn't necessarily make for good cinema and possibly even worse television." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 27, 2011
2.5/5 11% Red Riding Hood (2011) " Not as awesomely awful as Twilight, though director Hardwicke dwells in the same overwrought, teenage fever-dream, while her cast embraces the campiness as if knowing they've signed up for a giant blot on their CVs." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 13, 2011
2.5/5 —— Gantz (2011) " Despite a charming young cast of leads, the live-action Gantz is an ill-paced array of stops and starts with some okay special effects that never quite reaches any potential it may have." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jan 23, 2011
2.5/5 49% The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010) " A joyless lesson in overstaying one's welcome. Everything about this movie is marked down like a fire sale. The visuals look shoddy and the uninspired script is a dud that requires no effort by the young cast." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Dec 14, 2010
2.5/5 55% Morning Glory (2010) " Even the sparks between Ford and Keaton can't help Morning Glory much because it's completely based around a main character that annoys the audience out of any possible affection for her. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Nov 12, 2010
2.5/5 71% Monsters (2010) " 'Don't like our pallid, predictable love story between two shallow characters? Don't worry, the monsters will be back.' The trouble is there's not nearly enough of the creatures or any real thrills to keep audiences entertained. " — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Oct 29, 2010
2.5/5 89% Let Me In (2010) " Unnecessary remake that replicates rather than originates, neither truly scary nor even mildly disturbing. Surprisingly poor special effects and the neutering of a big plot point negate any potential." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Oct 3, 2010
2.5/5 37% Eat Pray Love (2010) " A vacuous attempt at chick flick epiphany. For all its postcard prettiness, Eat Pray Love's purported life lessons are so self-absorbed, had our shallow heroine been a man, we'd be booing his caddish behaviour." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Aug 13, 2010
2.5/5 81% Despicable Me (2010) " Despicable Me is a missed opportunity to do something far more interesting than tell a surprisingly flat, utterly predictable story. Pity the script isn't as sharp as the folks acting it" — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Jul 11, 2010
2.5/5 53% Green Zone (2010) " Green Zone's ham-fisted politics are not made bearable by tepid, warmed-over chases and wartime action that seem token and lazy for director Greengrass. We know he can do far better." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 13, 2010
2.5/5 51% Alice in Wonderland (2010) " Alice in Wonderland is a lovely display of Tim Burton's amazing offbeat aesthetics which win me over every time, but sadly doesn't make for very much of a film." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Mar 7, 2010
2.5/5 49% Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010) " The Lightning Thief is all crass ineptitude and lost potential. Columbus' infantilizing of any character depth and use of leftover Harry Potter special effects will amuse only the smallest in your pantheon." — TheDivaReview.com
Posted Feb 12, 2010
Showing 1 - 50 of 249
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