Critics » Simon Abrams » Rotten
Simon Abrams

Simon Abrams

Agrees with the Tomatometer 67% of the time.

Publications:
House Next Door , New York Press , Slant Magazine , Twitch
Critics' Group:
Online Film Critics Society
Total Reviews:
266

Worst Reviewed Films

Showing 1 - 50 of 154
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Rating T-Meter Title | Year Add Date
0/4 14% Zookeeper (2011) " Zookeeper is essentially a surreally awful Happy Madison Productions version of Mad Libs." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jul 6, 2011
0/4 25% Lord Of The Dance 3D (2011) " Lord of the Dance 3D is the Showgirls of concert documentaries." — Slant Magazine
Posted Mar 20, 2011
0/4 5% Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011) " It's a true rubber-necker's delight, a comedy so inconceivably tacky that it will make you question whether or not you're laughing at the film or with it." — Slant Magazine
Posted Feb 23, 2011
0/4 10% Saw 3D (2010) " Saw 3D may just be the Saw-iest Saw film of them all." — Slant Magazine
Posted Nov 7, 2010
0/4 4% Vampires Suck (2010) " A characteristic work of monumentally lazy spoof comedy by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Vampires Suck confirms Idiocracy's prediction of modern man's devolution from humdrum mediocrity to sub-caveman levels of intelligence." — Slant Magazine
Posted Aug 30, 2010
0/4 46% Step Up 3-D (2010) " It's like Muppets Take Manhattan, but replace a milquetoast young artiste for an amnesiac frog and a group of muppets for a post-racial group of seamlessly integrated metrosexuals." — Slant Magazine
Posted Aug 11, 2010
0/4 14% Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010) " Like all unimaginative filmmakers that don't know what to do with 3D technology, director Brad Peyton subordinates all action in the movie to the tech he's working with. " — Slant Magazine
Posted Jul 26, 2010
0/4 39% 2012 (2009) " Roland Emmerich provides the next entry in the "Apocalyptically Disastrous" subgenre of mega-blockbuster cinema, following up Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with an equally soulless depiction of life at the end of the world." — Slant Magazine
Posted Nov 10, 2009
0/4 9% My Life in Ruins (Driving Aphrodite) (2009) " It's one thing to poke fun of stereotypical Greek behavior, but it's another to bitch about the tourists who clog the already varicose-thin Athenian streets." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jun 4, 2009
.5/4 49% The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) " Everything that could and should be elaborated at length to make for a convincing or even just passably trashy love story is glossed over here just as much as in the last two Twilight movies." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jul 8, 2010
.5/4 28% Remember Me (2010) " Slaps, screams, and airborne fire extinguishers thoroughly destroy the film's air of mopey sincerity to bits." — Slant Magazine
Posted Mar 10, 2010
.5/4 18% The Tooth Fairy (2010) " Considering the best thing here is a joke about Billy Crystal letting his freak flag fly, it's painfully apparent there's just no rehabilitating this stinker." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jan 21, 2010
.5/4 29% The Collector (2009) " The Collector signals much of what's wrong with torture porn." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jul 26, 2009
.5/4 28% Chatham (The Golden Boys) (2009) " The Golden Boys, writer-director Daniel Adams's adaptation of Joseph Lincoln's novel Cap'n Eri, could just as easily be called Grumpy Old Sea-Men or Two Brides for Three Salty Seadogs." — Slant Magazine
Posted Apr 13, 2009
1/5 —— 3 Billion and Counting (2010) " The film favors conspiracy theories and half-truths, in addition to discrediting Planned Parenthood as a racist institution and Silent Spring as the work of a vindictive cancer victim." — Time Out New York
Posted Sep 15, 2010
1/4 77% Ra. One (2011) " It champions an incoherently hackneyed kind of morality where filial piety matters more than treating your fellow man well." — Slant Magazine
Posted Oct 27, 2011
1/4 48% Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011) " In spite of his adorable CG fish-eating accessories, Popper is just another lazy, family-friendly stock patriarch in a long line of clueless but basically well-meaning fathers that Carrey has played over the years. " — Slant Magazine
Posted Jun 15, 2011
1/4 —— Neon Flesh (2012) " If Neon Flesh is any indication, writer-director Paco Cabezas is a deeply confused Guy Ritchie rip-off artist. " — Slant Magazine
Posted Apr 28, 2011
1/4 40% Some Days Are Better Than Others (2011) " The kind of American independent quirkfest that needs to be quarantined and examined, not valorized." — Slant Magazine
Posted Mar 25, 2011
1/4 20% The Rite (2011) " The Rite trots out the tired old belief that catering to cynical viewers' assumptions is half the battle in convincing them that they're seeing something new, different, or possibly just worthwhile." — Slant Magazine
Posted Feb 2, 2011
1/4 14% Yogi Bear (2010) " Yogi Bear is pretty bad, but it's not apocalyptically horrid--and that's its biggest problem. " — Slant Magazine
Posted Jan 2, 2011
1/4 42% Faster (2010) " By and large, Faster is what would happen if Michael Bay channeled one of Donald Westlake's Parker novels, recently back in vogue. " — Slant Magazine
Posted Dec 1, 2010
1/4 63% Secretariat (2010) " Watching Secretariat is an experience as antithetical to watching an actual horse race as it gets." — Slant Magazine
Posted Oct 13, 2010
1/4 14% The Hungry Ghosts (2010) " The authenticity of Imperioli's understanding of spiritual revolution makes the screenplay, which unevenly vacillates between displays of schmaltzy sentiment and inept skid row melodrama, almost bearable." — Slant Magazine
Posted Oct 7, 2010
1/4 24% Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) " Afterlife lacks tension, dread, angst, humor-you name an emotion, it's not there." — Slant Magazine
Posted Sep 13, 2010
1/4 55% Mao's Last Dancer (2010) " Beresford can't even represent Li's dancing (the reason we're meant to root for this little foreigner that could in the first place) with a modicum of dynamism." — Slant Magazine
Posted Aug 30, 2010
1/4 59% Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel (2010) " From the title onward, it and its army of Hefner pals are out to show you what a nice, sweet, gentle, open-minded guy the old pornographer is." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jul 27, 2010
1/4 9% Marmaduke (2010) " Marmaduke the movie is exactly the kind of mind-numbing kiddie trash that parents dread taking their kids to." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jun 3, 2010
1/4 64% Harry Brown (2010) " Harry's world is the apocalypse that far-right-wingers normally need romantics like Cormac McCarthy to dream up." — Slant Magazine
Posted Apr 29, 2010
76% Kick-Ass (2010) " For all its posturing, Kick-Ass doesn't risk taking the superhero genre seriously and hence is all too happy to be impotent." — New York Press
Posted Apr 14, 2010
—— Yakuza Justice: Erotic Code Of Honor (2010) " Has nothing to do with what contemporary viewers will expect or want from a film with such a goofy title." — Slant Magazine
Posted Mar 28, 2010
46% Creation (2010) " Amiel commits the cardinal sin of biopics and confuses unenlightening biographical speculation with cutting insight into how a work of such complexity and sheer intelligence was created." — New York Press
Posted Jan 27, 2010
0/0 28% The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) " Parents: If I can (poorly) discipline a 16-year-old cat to not howl before sunrise, you can teach your kids to not emulate Bella Swan." — Slant Magazine
Posted Nov 19, 2009
23% The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009) " There's a good reason why it's taken Duffy this long to secure funds for a sequel to his D.O.A. meal-ticket: It was never funny in the first place." — New York Press
Posted Oct 28, 2009
1/4 67% (Untitled) (2009) " Parker reduces the art world to the insipid backbiting and conniving of malign thugs that enthusiastically bat around grandiose, self-serving endorsements" — Slant Magazine
Posted Oct 20, 2009
27% Pandorum (2009) " [Pandorum] makes no sense. It doesn't really try to by the end but nevertheless, it should be said up front so that nobody has any illusions about the film since its creators certainly didn't." — New York Press
Posted Oct 2, 2009
1/4 67% Grace (2009) " There's a pervasive and unintentional Raimian sensibility to Grace, writer-director Paul Solet's feature debut, that thoroughly undermines its Polanskian underpinnings." — Slant Magazine
Posted Aug 10, 2009
87% Flammen & Citronen (Flame & Citron) (The Flame and the Lemon) (2008) " As a film about the underground resistance movement in Denmark during the Nazi occupation, Flame & Citron's spies are the historical equivalent of superheroes." — New York Press
Posted Jul 29, 2009
93% Drag Me to Hell (2009) " There's something fundamentally disappointing about watching Raimi use his considerable resources to just make more wonderful scat." — New York Press
Posted Jun 3, 2009
81% Okuribito (Departures) (2009) " An overlong, sap-happy crowd-pleaser." — New York Press
Posted Jun 3, 2009
66% The Brothers Bloom (2009) " [Director Rian] Johnson presents an intolerably glossy and emotionless exercise in style; he's so in thrall with his skill at blank pastiche that he only half-heartedly tries to make us care about the film's characters." — New York Press
Posted May 13, 2009
92% Il Divo (2009) " Sorrentino's version of Andreotti's story is thus only really fascinating as a bloated vanity project, one that is unlikely to win him many new American defenders." — New York Press
Posted Apr 22, 2009
14% Dragonball Evolution (2009) " [Chow's] hamminess doesn't make Dragonball Evolution make more sense, but it's a great way to cope with an otherwise inexplicable kitschfest." — New York Press
Posted Apr 15, 2009
66% Sleep Dealer (2009) " Sleep Dealer should have something striking to say about what the future looks like according to the third-world workers that are building it at their own expense but it has nothing memorable nor particularly coherent to offer." — New York Press
Posted Apr 15, 2009
1/4 50% The New Twenty (2009) " There's something uniquely irritating about the kind of too-serious-for-its-own-good alternative-lifestyle drama subheading that Chris Mason Johnson's The New Twenty neatly falls under." — Slant Magazine
Posted Mar 23, 2009
25% Friday the 13th (2009) " Somewhere inside Jason Voorhees' latest escapade is a hilarious comedy yearning to break free from the stifling clutches of its over-serious guardians." — New York Press
Posted Feb 18, 2009
1/4 50% Dealing and Wheeling in Small Arms (2006) " Dealing and Wheeling's argument is almost entirely based on the emotional resonance that its straight-laced reportage evokes, which is effectively zilch." — Slant Magazine
Posted Jan 22, 2009
25% Four Christmases (2008) " Four Christmases is the kind of film that you should only watch if you're trapped on an airline and can't fall asleep, the kind of holiday film that makes Jingle All the Way look like a cinematic tour de force." — New York Press
Posted Dec 3, 2008
32% Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) " While it may be unfair to compare Repo! to Whedon's Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, a vastly superior three-webisode-long comic- book musical, it's necessary." — New York Press
Posted Nov 5, 2008
74% Peur(s) du Noir (Fear(s) of the Dark) (2007) " As a holistic experience, Fear(s) of the Dark feels at odds with itself, torn between highlighting its contributors' distinct voices and enforcing an artificial unity." — New York Press
Posted Oct 22, 2008
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