Criminy Pete

""Never get less than twelve hours sleep, never play cards with anyone that has the same first name as a city, and never date a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body." - Coach, Teen Wolf"

Agrees with the Tomatometer 74% of the time.

Biography:
Berlin, 1941. A dark, stormy night, and my bar and grill isn't as jumpin' as it normally gets, being the only place in town the Nazis aren't crawling all over like a baby in pudding. Tumbleweeds blowin' all through the place, an ol' Two-Gun Swackhammer and Deadeye Stoopnagle are at the bar, knockin' back whiskeys like their mothers wuz on the lam. If ya ever had the misfortune o' lookin' at those two knotheads, ya know you won't find an uglier pair o' mugs in all tha galaxy. Even that Wookiee planet. After watchin' those two mooks gargle with the scotch fer an hour, I went ta take a walk. An' that's when she walked in. A tall drink o' water with a million-dollar smile and a yours-for-a-favor booty, dressed to the nines in a white, sequined number with a low back and a high hem. She didn't have to ask me twice. I took her home, we ate some cake, had some of the none-o-your-beeswax and shuffled off to Buffalo in a 57 Chevy with a palomino dashboard and thirty-inch fins, oh yeah. If it weren't for that slobberknocker up on Thunder Road, a guy like me mighta pulled off the upset against the odds o' findin' the life everybody wants. Wasn't to be. Guys like me don't get to cheat fate. We don't dodge destiny's bullet. Come flyin' outta the womb like a bat outta hell, then spend the next handful o' decades slidin' downhill til we hit the ol' blank headstone. Ghost of Christmas Past, my patoot.
Favorites:
Movies I Love: The Shawshank Redemption, High Fidelity, The Iron Giant, Spider-Man, Die Hard, Robocop, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, South Park, Life Is Beautiful, Affliction, D.C. Cab, The Jerk, Run Ronnie Run, Memento, Ghost World, In The Bedroom. Yes, the gamut is run.
Publications:
CriminyPete.com
Total Reviews:
131
Total QuickRatings:
6
Location:
That's Cr-EYE-min-ee Pete. Not 'Crimminee' Pete.

Listing Of All Reviews & Articles

Showing 51 - 100 of 131
Rating T-Meter Title | Year Add Date
2.8/4 41% The Four Feathers (2002) " A stumbling historical saga so tepid in story and fluidity that it will leave you emotionally uninvolved and personally indifferent? 'Fraid so." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Sep 21, 2002
2/4 53% Blood Work (2002) " There's not much that's more arduous and patience-thinning than watching people struggle for hours to put together a mystery you've figured out in the first fifteen minutes." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 24, 2002
2.9/4 86% 24 Hour Party People (2002) " Just like the music it celebrates, the format of this film is subversive and offbeat." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 24, 2002
2.4/4 48% XXX (2002) " Fun was had at this movie, and I suppose this is the sort of enjoyment that Bond fans experience when watching 20 slightly different versions of the same film over and over." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 21, 2002
1.8/4 51% Kiss of the Dragon (2001) " It's a dumb movie. But the kicking is good." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 7, 2002
1.5/4 7% Jawbreaker (1999) " This is a 'stylized' movie - which means constant, blistering soundtrack, overly blatant and forced unnatural dialog and occasional out-of-place wipes between scenes." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 7, 2002
1.5/4 29% Goodbye Lover (1998) " There's all this attempted 'wicked intrigue' and 'deadly webs of betrayal' befitting late night Skinemax, but that stuff isn't very interesting." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 7, 2002
0/4 25% Godzilla (1998) " Someone swiped a few reels from Jurassic Park and CGIed Matthew "I Think I Left My Talent In My Other Pants" Broderick over Sam Neill for an hour and a half." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 7, 2002
3.4/4 74% Signs (2002) " Objective conclusions about faith don't happen. It's always "You made my family die, God! I AM MAD AT YOU AND MAYBE I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN YOU HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!"" — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 7, 2002
3.5/4 77% The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys (2002) " The animated sequences are well done and perfectly constructed to convey a sense of childhood imagination and creating adventure out of angst." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 5, 2002
3.2/4 81% Road to Perdition (2002) " This kid shouldn't have stayed in the picture." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Aug 5, 2002
3/4 54% Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) " These characters are so well established that the gang feels comfortable with taking insane liberties and doing the goofiest stuff out of left field, and I'm all for that." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jul 25, 2002
3/4 84% Scarface (1983) " It's a sad realization that this film doesn't entirely stand the test of time." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jul 21, 2002
2.9/4 40% Reign of Fire (2002) " Was it TOO MUCH TO ASK to have ONE tank blow up ONE dragon? What the hell?!" — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jul 21, 2002
2.4/4 22% Mr. Deeds (2002) " It's the first "dopey comedy" like this that gave the female love interest an active role, rather than relegating them to decorative eye candy for the lead doofus to fall for." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jul 5, 2002
2.4/4 39% Men in Black II (2002) " You're never going to make "Nod Your Head" sound cool. That's like having a song called "Scratch Your Nose! Let me see you Squint Your Eyes like this!"" — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jul 5, 2002
3.3/4 90% Minority Report (2002) " The most frightening concept is retina-based individualized public advertising, because that is going to happen and it will suck harder than a fission-powered Hoover." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jul 3, 2002
2.6/4 30% Scooby-Doo (2002) " There's plenty of trepidation to go around. However, it's just the freakin' "Scooby Doo" movie, so there's no potential travesty afoot." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 14, 2002
2/4 87% The Matrix (1999) " If I have to bank my future on Keanu Reeves as the Messiah, I'll take the blue pill." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 7, 2002
3/4 77% Undercover Brother (2002) " A "black Austin Powers?" I prefer to think of it as "Pootie Tang with a budget." Sa da TAY!" — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 7, 2002
3.7/4 37% Pumpkin (2002) " When it starts to wander into too-deep territory, something completely absurd will happen to remind you where your head needs to be." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 4, 2002
2.5/4 50% Any Given Sunday (1999) " This film marks the historic reteaming of James Woods and LL Cool J, who worked together in the powerful film "The Hard Way," also starring Michael J. Fox." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
2.7/4 69% Analyze This (1999) " If Billy Crystal wasn't Billy Crystal, do you think he'd have a chance in HELL at "Central Pork" or wherever the cast of "Friends" hangs out?" — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.1/4 85% An Ideal Husband (1999) " The dialogue is sharp and witty and the cast is a joy to watch." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
2.5/4 67% American Psycho (2000) " It dares to make a film about a lead character you want to be captured and even killed." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.4/4 83% American History X (1998) " A very stirring story that shows how seething hatreds can be justified in the minds of racists by using rational-sounding arguments based on very precarious reasoning." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
4/4 88% American Beauty (1999) " We're all trying to find that point in our lives where we're happy enough with ourselves to boldly proclaim, as Lester puts it, "I RULE!"" — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.5/4 88% Amélie (2001) " It's a beautiful, inspired film that's got some serious funny in it." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3/4 32% Along Came a Spider (2001) " Not particularly memorable, but I'll watch anything with Morgan Freeman in it once." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3/4 98% All the President's Men (1976) " That cut-off ending really sucked all the guts out of the film and left me high and dry." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.2/4 73% A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) " Make sure to crank up the 'ain't humanity great' trumpeteers and make the talking teddy bear a little cuter." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
4/4 87% Affliction (1997) " Nolte is excellent as Wade and Coburn is positively terrifying as the near-demonic father." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
2/4 72% A Walk on the Moon (1999) " It takes so long for the obvious to happen that a good hunk of the story's impact is sucked away, leaving a bit too much yawning behind." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
2/4 60% A Civil Action (1998) " Doesn't even sound that exciting. "Gabe Kaplan. Approach The Bench." "Frank Stallone. Objection Sustained." Nah, sorry. Not too impressive." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.5/4 92% A Bug's Life (1998) " Ladies and gentlemen, animation at its finest." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.5/4 76% A Beautiful Mind (2001) " It is a good film though, despite being blantantly Oscar-calibrated." — CriminyPete.com
Posted Jun 1, 2002
3.8/4 88% Chasing Amy (1997) " I dig the Kevin Smith vibe. I have to declare that before any review of a Kevin Smith movie, because true objectivity is rendered relatively impossible because of it." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
3.2/4 90% Cast Away (2000) " The most interesting aspect of the film is what happens when Chuck finally does get home. It's the ultimate kick in the teeth." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
3.5/4 88% Almost Famous (2000) " It's a great weird moment where you can see something oddly beautiful about a person at the strangest and lowest points of their lives." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2.3/4 67% Ali (2001) " He took an interesting story and made it as boring as possible." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2.9/4 45% The Cell (2000) " This film was based so much on the visuals that I think it could have been done completely without dialog." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
3.8/4 91% High Fidelity (2000) " Finally, a film for music geeks!" — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2.4/4 53% Heartbreakers (2001) " The film looks like crap you'd normally attack with a lead pipe if you saw it emerging from a sewer" — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
4/4 97% The Iron Giant (1999) " It was well-written, amazingly animated and DIFFERENT enough to warrant more attention than its getting." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2/4 49% Jurassic Park III (2001) " I was flabbergasted at the nothingness of this movie." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
3/4 76% Moulin Rouge! (2001) " This is an appalling, beautiful, painful, interesting, offensive, intricate hunk of pleasantly fragrant donkey crap." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2/4 62% The Patriot (2000) " Too many generic flag-waving, slow-motion-equals- important-drama cliche-festivals." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2.3/4 47% The Princess Diaries (2001) " Land sakes, I don't think I've seen a movie that so toasted my ventricles since the last movie where a slobby girl becomes beautiful!" — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2.9/4 43% Went to Coney Island on a Mission from God... Be Back by Five (2008) " It's a bit meandering at times, and some of the attempts at comedy are dull or overlong, but the basic storyline is an involving one, if a little predictable." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
3.1/4 82% X-Men (2000) " I can only hope that they make as many X-flicks as there are James Bond flicks." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
2/4 51% Cherish (2002) " I should have realized that when a film's hype contains heavy mention of its soundtrack, there is something amiss." — CriminyPete.com
Posted May 31, 2002
Showing 51 - 100 of 131
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