|
F
|
14%
|
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) |
"
What's next, 'The Old Woman who lives in the Shoe - with Shoulder-Fired Rocket Launchers?'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 29, 2013
|
|
F
|
6%
|
Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) |
"
Radha Mitchell visits Sean Bean in a mirror cameo. 'Do I look fat in this mirror?' Radha asked. 'I wouldn't know,' quipped Sean. 'This movie isn't reflecting well on anybody.'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Oct 29, 2012
|
|
F
|
51%
|
John Carter (2012) |
"
John Carter will be hanging from those man-teets alongside animators for Treasure Planet in the new Disney World attraction: Hall of Disappointments."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Mar 12, 2012
|
|
F
|
42%
|
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012) |
"
'I used to serve in the Navy,' Rock explained, by which he meant the Village People song of the same name."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Feb 12, 2012
|
|
F
|
10%
|
Season of the Witch (2011) |
"
This is the puffy-faced Nic Cage. The one who fights for Christ and Little Debbies and not necessarily in that order."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 9, 2011
|
|
F
|
19%
|
The Back-up Plan (2010) |
"
'At this point the only guy who wants to approach your hoo-haa is one wearing rubber gloves with antiseptic tongs,' said Robert Klein."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Apr 25, 2010
|
|
F
|
39%
|
2012 (2009) |
"
It's great to see Fred Astaire, er, Danny Glover back in the saddle as the President of the United States. It's the first time America elected a President whose campaign slogan was 'I'm too old for this s**t.'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 17, 2009
|
|
F
|
34%
|
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) |
"
Down the elevator goes into the desert sands - a man-made lake at this level, a working reconstruction of the Bush years at the next level, Kim Kardashian's closet at the level past that."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Aug 10, 2009
|
|
F
|
11%
|
The Unborn (2009) |
"
'This is the last time I'll write a movie on a roll of Charmin Ultra,' said Goyer."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 14, 2009
|
|
F
|
27%
|
Punisher: War Zone (2008) |
"
Normally a character with a skull on his shirt is too busy flicking his lighter at the Judas Priest tribute band show to bother with fighting the kind of crime that doesn't require an amp and a guitar."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Dec 8, 2008
|
|
F
|
6%
|
Babylon A.D. (2008) |
"
'Oh well,' said Vin, as the lights came up and the crickets sang their lonely song, 'there's always my moving company: '2 guys and Vin Diesel will move you.''"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Sep 6, 2008
|
|
F
|
37%
|
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008) |
"
'I just want to make people silky smooth,' cried Adam in the kind of Israeli accent which suggests that Israel borders France."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jun 9, 2008
|
|
F
|
8%
|
Prom Night (2008) |
"
This movie accomplishes the impossible: It makes you disappointed not to be disappointed by a disappointing twist ending."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Apr 18, 2008
|
|
F
|
0%
|
One Missed Call (2008) |
"
Star Ed Burns was fuming over the fact that his movies would be more popular if they featured Mentos dropping into exploding Diet Cokes."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 7, 2008
|
|
F
|
21%
|
Fred Claus (2007) |
"
Look! It's the inevitable dance sequence where Vince teaches all the elves the lessons of Footloose, because if there's one thing you need on the toy assembly line, it's 'jazz hands.'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 15, 2007
|
|
F
|
14%
|
Wild Hogs (2007) |
"
Travolta could do more good for his career by affixing buxom mud-flaps to his jowls and hauling an eighteen-wheeler cross-country."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Mar 4, 2007
|
|
F
|
15%
|
Hannibal Rising (2007) |
"
De Laurentis and his cronies have turned Hannibal Lechter into a young Louis Jourdan, more apt to grow up to terrify Adrienne Barbeau in Swamp Thing than Jodie Foster in the able hands of Jonathan Demme."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Feb 11, 2007
|
|
F
|
21%
|
The Hitcher (2007) |
"
Sophia heads down the highway, rifle under one arm, artistic integrity hanging by a thread from her teeny weeny skirt."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 20, 2007
|
|
F
|
28%
|
Saw III (2006) |
"
The faces on the mannequins at Penney's are more familiar than these actors. The entire cast might as well be dressed in gray and bicycling around Beijing."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 1, 2006
|
|
F
|
15%
|
The Wicker Man (2006) |
"
Nic meets his ex-fiancé, Willow, whose submarine-sized lips seem to be gradually folding around her head like a collagen Venus Flytrap."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Sep 6, 2006
|
|
F
|
7%
|
Basic Instinct 2 (2006) |
"
Sharon still maintains she never knew her 'V' was being photographed in the original Basic Instinct. 'I figured the hair and makeup team between my legs was just a perk.'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Mar 29, 2006
|
|
F
|
9%
|
When a Stranger Calls (2006) |
"
Then I'm like 'what's the movie called?' And he's like 'When a Stranger Calls.' And I'm like 'Is it about telemarketing?'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Feb 5, 2006
|
|
F
|
60%
|
Hostel (2006) |
"
Wherever you find genocide and human misery, a throng of American college students looking to get laid can't be far behind."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 9, 2006
|
|
F
|
10%
|
Aeon Flux (2005) |
"
99% of the world has been killed by a fatal virus, and the remaining 1% probably smoked like chimneys, with my luck."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Dec 6, 2005
|
|
F
|
26%
|
The Legend of Zorro (2005) |
"
Antonio plays drunk like a man who has never been one, and Catherine speaks Spanish like a woman who wouldn't touch a burrito without rubber gloves and a surgical mask."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Oct 30, 2005
|
|
F
|
13%
|
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) |
"
Forget the drill core, the Dukes should have had Willie Nelson's blood analyzed, because every time that guy has a blood test science adds a new element to the periodic table."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Aug 11, 2005
|
|
F
|
26%
|
Fantastic Four (2005) |
"
If exposure to cosmic rays made all women look like Jessica Alba, then every Lifetime movie should glow green. "
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jul 13, 2005
|
|
F
|
25%
|
House of Wax (2005) |
"
Says Paris: "I'm dismissed when I get a pole in my head which, as anyone in tune with my video career knows, is hardly the first time.""
—
MovieJuice!
Posted May 8, 2005
|
|
F
|
1%
|
Alone in the Dark (2005) |
"
Thanks for the surgical enhancement, Tara Reid. As I always say, if saline made you a great actor then Sean Penn would have gills."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 28, 2005
|
|
F
|
16%
|
Alexander (2004) |
"
'By the glorious man-meat of Apollo,' Colin says, 'this film is creaking to its final scene!'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 24, 2004
|
|
F
|
44%
|
National Treasure (2004) |
"
'We hold this truth to be self-evident,' said Thomas Jefferson, 'If I had seen this movie first, the only thing I'd have traced on the back of the Declaration is my resume.'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 21, 2004
|
|
F
|
10%
|
Taxi (2004) |
"
"Geeve me da cash now or I shoot da gurl - just as Scavullo so often shoot me - but widout all da compliments," Gisele exclaims."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Oct 11, 2004
|
|
F
|
21%
|
AVP - Alien Vs. Predator (2004) |
"
The story couldn't be more preposterous if Alien and Predator were in tutus doing the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Aug 16, 2004
|
|
F
|
9%
|
Catwoman (2004) |
"
Benjamin 'Box Office Ebola' Bratt is in this movie. The last time Ben was in a star vehicle it was Julia Roberts' Cadillac Escalade."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jul 24, 2004
|
|
F
|
45%
|
The Day After Tomorrow (2004) |
"
As for our friends to the north in Canada, "They're quite screwed," said the President. "Think of it as Mother Nature's 'thank you' for William Shatner.""
—
MovieJuice!
Posted May 31, 2004
|
|
F
|
22%
|
Taking Lives (2004) |
"
"Normally," says one cop, "finding lips that big in Montreal means visiting the local boulangerie and placing two loaves of French bread under your nose.""
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Mar 21, 2004
|
|
F
|
13%
|
The Haunted Mansion (2003) |
"
Nowadays, folks say "remember when Eddie Murphy could make you laugh" the same way they say "remember the Alamo.""
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 28, 2003
|
|
0/4
|
22%
|
Mr. Deeds (2002) |
"
Look who's out of the courtroom and on the big screen in what may be the worst performance of her career, it's alleged kleptomaniac Winona Ryder!"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jul 1, 2002
|
|
0/4
|
21%
|
Jason X (2002) |
"
Isn't scary at all and isn't nearly as funny as its filmmakers seem to think it is."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Apr 26, 2002
|
|
D-
|
6%
|
A Sound of Thunder (2005) |
"
Even a single butterfly can alter the course of evolution - particularly if this butterfly is tattooed over Britney Spears' crotch."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Sep 4, 2005
|
|
D
|
19%
|
Texas Chainsaw (2013) |
"
"Let's all take our bare bellies to Texas! Maybe we can have someone mesquite barbecue our own ribs - the ones we haven't had surgically removed, I mean'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 6, 2013
|
|
D
|
48%
|
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) |
"
Ah yes, the Volturi, who come dressed for battle like they're being photographed for a Dutch Masters cigar box."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Nov 18, 2012
|
|
D
|
25%
|
Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) |
"
At this point, Katie is to the Paranormal Activity franchise what Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer is to Christmas."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Oct 22, 2012
|
|
D
|
64%
|
Sinister (2012) |
"
We begin with old Super 8 footage of a family hanging from a tree which is either a terrible tragedy or a natural outcome of the average Disney vacation."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Oct 15, 2012
|
|
D
|
21%
|
Taken 2 (2012) |
"
When Liam wants to kill the bad guys he just wraps his schvantz around their necks and strangles them to death. "
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Oct 7, 2012
|
|
D
|
39%
|
The Possession (2012) |
"
Kyra Sedgwick is in this movie, meaning it's two degrees of Kevin Bacon and even fewer degrees of terrible."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Sep 3, 2012
|
|
D
|
31%
|
Total Recall (2012) |
"
Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale are the Lucy and Desi of overstuffed action/adventure movies."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Aug 11, 2012
|
|
D
|
92%
|
The Cabin in the Woods (2012) |
"
...enough unemployed characters from Whedon's failed series Dollhouse to staff every Abercrombie & Fitch in Beverly Hills."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Apr 21, 2012
|
|
D
|
26%
|
Wrath of the Titans (2012) |
"
Ralph Fiennes returns in his ever-to-be-typecast role as the personification of evil - Hades, ruler of the underworld and, from the looks of it, ruler of the Doobie Brothers."
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Apr 4, 2012
|
|
D
|
26%
|
Underworld Awakening (2012) |
"
'One day,' Kate assures her daughter, 'you, too, will grow up to dress like a restaurant server in San Francisco.'"
—
MovieJuice!
Posted Jan 26, 2012
|
73%
79%
62%
52%
26%
4%
