|
0.5/5
|
48%
|
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) |
"
Unequivocally the worst of the lot ... The final instalment of a five-film franchise has all the emotional weight and impact of an episode of Entourage. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Nov 15, 2012
|
|
0.5/5
|
48%
|
My Sister's Keeper (2009) |
"
My Sister's Keeper is a committee-approved nerve-snapper that, much like its main character, has been genetically engineered to MAKE! YOU! CRY!"
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 27, 2010
|
|
0.5/5
|
29%
|
The Final Destination (2009) |
"
Imagine a film that features an endless cavalcade of people being eviscerated in the bloodiest and bone-snappiest of ways, yet which somehow manages to inspire the audience to envy the victims."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 27, 2010
|
|
0.5/5
|
35%
|
The Wolfman (2010) |
"
The only thing scary about Joe Johnston's The Wolfman is that it exists. The fact that people, nay professionals, spent several years working on this picture genuinely upsets me. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1/5
|
47%
|
Bait (2012) |
"
In what kind of a sick world does a shark movie allow the majority of its cast to walk away unchomped? That'd be the world of Bait 3D, where almost all genre promises are broken, accents are in a constant state of flux, and everyone is the absolute worst."
—
Quickflix
Posted Sep 18, 2012
|
|
1/5
|
56%
|
Weird Science (1985) |
"
Watching Weird Science again in the harsh light of my 20s was like catching up with an old friend who I had recalled as a raucous party animal, but was now clearly a shaky meth addict with no teeth. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Jul 16, 2012
|
|
1/5
|
27%
|
Project X (2012) |
"
Project X "dares" you to find it offensive; however, no one could possibly mistake it for a provocative movie-of-the-moment, excluding perhaps any viewer who also considers LMFAO music videos among the wittiest and most subversive works of art around"
—
Quickflix
Posted Feb 29, 2012
|
|
1/5
|
——
|
Zebraman 2: Attack On Zebra City (Zeburâman: Zebura Shiti No Gyakushû) (2011) |
"
I wondered as the lights dimmed in the cinema for Takeshi Miike's Zebraman 2 if there had been a Zebraman 1, or if it was more like a Leonard Part 6 situation. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Aug 17, 2011
|
|
1/5
|
35%
|
Battle: Los Angeles (2011) |
"
Michael Bay and Tony Scott made love to the American flag, birthed a demon spawn and called it Battle Los Angeles."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 17, 2011
|
|
1/5
|
——
|
Tekken (2011) |
"
The fight-sequences -- dreamlike and almost-spiritual in the original game -- are relegated to UFC-style octagons, shot like shaky-cam snuff and soundtracked by Insane Clown Posse-wannabees. It'd be headache inducing if it weren't so damn boring."
—
Quickflix
Posted Nov 8, 2010
|
|
1/5
|
15%
|
Sex and the City 2 (2010) |
"
Sex and the City 2 is the female equivalent of Transformers; a big, dumb blockbuster that doesn't require you to think very hard, if at all ... I mourn the death of four memorable television characters that used to mean something to so many."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1/5
|
18%
|
The Tooth Fairy (2010) |
"
To call Tooth Fairy a bad film is like calling star Dwayne Johnson a big guy. Both statements are accurate, but neither actually conveys the degree to which they are true. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
9%
|
The Host (2013) |
"
Clunky, dramatically inert, ideologically repugnant, and just a plain old bore, The Host may be the worst thing anyone involved has ever been affiliated with. In some instances, that may also prove true for the audience."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 27, 2013
|
|
1.5/5
|
15%
|
A Good Day To Die Hard (2013) |
"
The Nakatomi Plaza has never felt so far away. Die Hard is my favourite film. I only attended AGDTDH as a sombre obligation; like a relative being asked to identify a corpse."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 19, 2013
|
|
1.5/5
|
——
|
Le prénom () |
"
If I found any one of these five relatable, I wouldn't be wondering what to call my son, but rather inquiring into an operation that would make procreation an impossibility."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 4, 2013
|
|
1.5/5
|
21%
|
Taken 2 (2012) |
"
A laughably slapdash concoction of steely Liam Neeson speeches, stolen cues from the Drive soundtrack, poorly cut fight scenes, and a healthy heaping of xenophobia. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 2, 2012
|
|
1.5/5
|
25%
|
Act of Valor (2012) |
"
Since when did 'having the uniform at home' qualify as the only pre-requisite for someone's employment? If that has indeed become the case, you can look forward to my imminent casting in Easter Bunny: Origins."
—
Quickflix
Posted Apr 30, 2012
|
|
1.5/5
|
52%
|
The Iron Lady (2012) |
"
In the same way an entirely-critical film would provide an unfair depiction, Lloyd's rose-tinted, tone-deaf, hamfisted, gauche, funhouse-mirror version is similarly misguided."
—
Quickflix
Posted Dec 13, 2011
|
|
1.5/5
|
36%
|
In Time (2011) |
"
In Time is the cinematic equivalent of the stoned dude at the party who comes up with one barely interesting 'what if' scenario, then proceeds to nudge us repeatedly until we express to them the extent to which they have blown our mind. "
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 26, 2011
|
|
1.5/5
|
22%
|
3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (2011) |
"
The grotesque sexual violence here is used to titillate, and that's unacceptable in reasonable society (even one where we all go and pay $22.50 to see a porno with a couple hundred other people)."
—
Quickflix
Posted May 11, 2011
|
|
1.5/5
|
11%
|
Red Riding Hood (2011) |
"
The poster's tagline promotes the film as "a breathtaking vision of a 700 year old legend" (note that the legend is '700 years old' and not '700 years long' as I had begun to suspect midway through the screening)."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 22, 2011
|
|
1.5/5
|
0%
|
Sagan (2008) |
"
[The film] traps Françoise in a film so bland you would think it was depicting the lives of Isaac Funk and Adam Wagnalls and their attempts to publish a cheap, yet informative, encyclopedia."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 21, 2011
|
|
1.5/5
|
43%
|
Faster (2010) |
"
Faster is many things; none good. It's a languid, sub-CSI police procedural intertwined with a sluggish revenge flick and drizzled with the inane relationship dramas of a newly married hitman struggling to figure out his work/life balance."
—
Quickflix
Posted Feb 6, 2011
|
|
1.5/5
|
86%
|
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009) |
"
Do people love the original book so much they're willing to forgive a film that is sorely lacking in substance, motivation, action, tension, ambiguity and style?"
—
Quickflix
Posted Nov 18, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
41%
|
The Expendables (2010) |
"
Final notes: this is a movie in which Dolph Lundgren is expected to convincingly portray a junkie and have an American accent. Also, Jet Li plays a character called Yin Yang. Do with this information what you will."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
49%
|
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) |
"
If the producers of Twilight were given permission to remake Casper ... they'd probably have his ghostly apparition dress in some three-quarter jean-shorts, just to keep his modesty intact. Somebody has to think of the children, right"
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
28%
|
Clash of the Titans (2010) |
"
I should have known better than to look forward to Clash of the Titans, a film that unironically employs the tagline 'Titans Will Clash'."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
43%
|
Dinner for Schmucks (2010) |
"
Should anyone ever be unfortunate enough to break bread with their characters in Dinner For Schmucks, you'd likely commit seppuku with your butter knife before the entrées had even been cleared from the table."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
6%
|
The Last Airbender (2010) |
"
It seems as if a good film could be made out of The Last Airbender's tale. But this is not that film."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
1.5/5
|
23%
|
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) |
"
Resident Evil: Afterlife ... is boring, but you probably already knew that. The primary source of inspiration for the screenplay seems to be Alien 3 -- the very worst of the Alien films -- in both its content and incomprehensibility."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 21, 2010
|
|
2/5
|
20%
|
Identity Thief (2013) |
"
The first thing I did after returning from the screening was take two painkillers for my throbbing headache. A man can only withstand so much shrill shrieking and faux-screwball antics."
—
Quickflix
Posted Apr 2, 2013
|
|
2/5
|
30%
|
Broken City (2013) |
"
Broken City may break new ground when it comes to pioneering cinematic scowls, but that's the only area where the cast is able to elevate the banal material."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 4, 2013
|
|
2/5
|
14%
|
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) |
"
A half-heartedly conceived, boringly executed, and instantly forgettable feathered-fish for absolutely no one... just bad enough to incite an existential, soul-searching journey wherein we wonder if we are even capable of experiencing joy"
—
Quickflix
Posted Feb 3, 2013
|
|
2/5
|
32%
|
Gangster Squad (2013) |
"
The final product elicits little more than a shrug. Made it, ma. Top of the world..."
—
Quickflix
Posted Jan 8, 2013
|
|
2/5
|
18%
|
Parental Guidance (2012) |
"
It is with deep regret that the last film I review for 2012 be Andy Fickman's Parental Guidance, wherein Billy Crystal is struck in the testicles with a baseball bat, and then proceeds to vomit on a child out of agony."
—
Quickflix
Posted Dec 20, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
65%
|
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012) |
"
Peter Jackson didn't particularly want to direct The Hobbit, and I didn't particularly want to be bored to tears, but there we both were, fulfilling what could only be described as some sort of cinematic murder-suicide pact."
—
Quickflix
Posted Dec 18, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
55%
|
Bachelorette (2012) |
"
Leslye Headland's bitterly unfunny Bachelorette not only squanders a talented cast of comic performers, but also chastises the audience for revelling in the unfiltered awfulness of their characters."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 29, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
25%
|
Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) |
"
Well, it was fun while it lasted kids. The ghost train shudders to a halt with Paranormal Activity 4, the first entry in the usually innovative series unable to produce any decent scares."
—
Quickflix
Posted Oct 18, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
26%
|
Kath & Kimderella () |
"
You'll likely be looking for distractions to help make the time pass quicker. The obvious choice would be to keep count of all the hackneyed catch phrases, though I found tallying the repeated shots of exposed butt-cracks to be more fruitful."
—
Quickflix
Posted Sep 14, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
57%
|
Out of Africa (1985) |
"
Not even the meticulous Meryl can breathe life into a movie that never really gets started, and takes almost an hour to end."
—
Quickflix
Posted Sep 3, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
31%
|
Total Recall (2012) |
"
"Bryan Cranston's hair," is the answer to many a question, now, chief among them, "What is the only good reason to see Total Recall?""
—
Quickflix
Posted Aug 20, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
35%
|
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) |
"
Sounds like it was pitched at the tail-end of a particularly cynical, three-day, coke-fuelled marketing strategy session in between Transformers with Boobs and The Voice: The Movie..."
—
Quickflix
Posted Jul 30, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
69%
|
Ted (2012) |
"
It left me fantasising of ways to go back in time, Lost style, and keeping Family Guy from ever returning to screens and kicking off this terrible chain of events."
—
Quickflix
Posted Jul 11, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
45%
|
On the Road (2012) |
"
A rambling, tedious, seemingly unending mess that can't be salvaged by three decent but mostly underwhelming performances. Maybe some Benzedrine would make the whole experience seem worthwhile."
—
Quickflix
Posted Jun 12, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
34%
|
Battleship (2012) |
"
Hasbro's track record in the cinematical arts is not great, but they should be applauded for their tireless efforts to find work for supermodels. They deserve to be movie stars too, guys."
—
Quickflix
Posted Apr 10, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
79%
|
The Deep Blue Sea (2012) |
"
The Deep Blue Sea is more concerned with replicating period detail than anything else."
—
Quickflix
Posted Mar 18, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
44%
|
J. Edgar (2011) |
"
DiCaprio and Hammer work hard, but under Eastwood's half-hearted direction they merely seem like teenagers - wearing their father's suits, and with talcum powder salt-and-peppering their hair - out of their depth on a high school stage."
—
Quickflix
Posted Jan 24, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
59%
|
The First Grader (2011) |
"
The First Grader is a self-congratulatory and subtlety-free slog that makes saints of its protagonists, devils out of its antagonists and narcoleptics out of its audience."
—
Quickflix
Posted Jan 19, 2012
|
|
2/5
|
3%
|
Jack and Jill (2011) |
"
There is so much bizarre imagery in Jack and Jill, Adam Sandler playing his own twin sister being the least of it... Are we sure Dennis Dugan isn't just the nom-de-plume used by David Cronenberg when he's feeling particularly playful?"
—
Quickflix
Posted Nov 30, 2011
|
|
2/5
|
24%
|
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011) |
"
The picture sidesteps all opportunities to depict the novel's nuttiness... in an intriguing manner and sands down all the edges to leave us with yet another generic melodrama, in which not a single moment rings true."
—
Quickflix
Posted Nov 16, 2011
|
76%
22%
67%
85%
46%
40%
