Kalypso on 5/23/08 at 8:04 PM

Trials of Jonas

Romantic Comedy- A young guy (Jonas) falls for a chick (Emily), but she won't leave her asshole boyfriend (Max).

So far, I've gotten next to no criticism at all, everyone just says it's great and then typically mentions a few typos or whatnot they found in the script. My film professor really likes it, and sent it off to some of his friends and such in LA, one of whom was a professional reader that sent him back free coverage of the first draft (It's currently in its third draft), it got an 8/10 overall and "Good" in all the categories, so I guess it's worth reading, that's what everyone seems to say anyway.

Any and all criticism is accepted, if something seems boring, I want to know. If dialog is written badly, I'd like to know. Pretty much just anything that seems to be a problem is something I wanna hear about, as none of the 20~30ish friends and family of mine who have read it have really had anything bad to say, probably to avoid hurting my feelings or something.

Anyway, for whoever reads it I appreciate it, and I hope you enjoy it. Couldn't think of anywhere else to upload it but filefront, heh. And yeah, it's registered with the WGA west, library of congress, etc.

http://files.filefront.com/ToJDraft33pdf/;10325147;/fileinfo.html
Trials of Jonas Draft 3.3, 114 Pages

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IANG on 2/7/07 at 3:27 PM

Make you're picks for the Oscars...who's gonna win...whos not...who will upset the "locks"...take you're picks...

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Master King Sexington on 1/28/07 at 10:19 PM

Here's short script for my short film...the names don't really matter. Just something to call the characters



Ext. Under bridge



Jose sits under the bridge, smoking. As he sits we see Jake come down the hill and stop at the bridges opening. Jose turns to Jake and flicks his cigarette into the bayou.



Jose



I told you not to come back here again. You better have more money this time.



Jake doesn’t reply. He simply stares at Jose. His face is swollen and bruised.





Ext. On bridge



Jake walks across the grass then onto the bridge. He moves at a leisurely pace, sipping on his newly bought fountain drink, until he notices that he’s being followed. He turns and we notice his face is not bruised. There are two thugs standing behind him. Jake backs up. Behind him we see another teen, it’s Jose stepping up from under the bridge. Jake drops his drink.



Thug #1

You’re in the wrong neighborhood bro.



Jake takes off running and blasts past Jose and keeps on running. He turns down a path parallel to the bayou. In the distance we see two more thugs come running up to flank him. He runs towards a thicket of trees, the other thugs trailing him closely. He runs parallel in between the thicket and the bayou until he comes across a path in the thicket. Jake ducks into the path but is suddenly struck in the face by another teen carrying a pipe. Jake lies on the ground moaning when Jose runs up and kicks him in the face.



Jose

You should know you can’t cross my bridge without paying the toll.



Jose kicks him in the ribs.



Jose

Roll him over.



A thug rolls Jake over and Jose pulls out his wallet. He opens it and looks in. He pulls out three dollars.



Jose

This is all you have?



A thug punches him in the face. And reaches into his other pocket. He calls out what Jake has as he finds it.



Thug #2

We gotta cell phone, a key, and… well looky here.



Thug #2 hands Jose an MP3 player. Jose grins.



Jake

Please…



Jose

Please what? No one told you to run. You got what you deserved.



Jose walks off, turns, and nods to the other thugs. The thugs begin to kick and beat Jake until he is bloody, then roll him down the hill and almost into the bayou. Jake looks off into the bayou at a couple of cranes, mouths the words “help”, and then loses consciousness.







Int. Jake’s home



Jake is sitting on his bed, with his face in his hands. Suddenly, he looks up, straight into the camera. It pulls back until we have plain view of the closet in the other room. The camera turns to the closet and goes in the closet and goes black.



Ext. Under the bridge



Jose

What do you want freak?



Jake stares at him for a second longer then sits down slowly. Jake is wearing latex gloves and a jacket. Jose jumps up the second Jake settles down.



Jose

You better get outta here



Jake pulls the 45. from his jacket. BLAM. Jose falls back and rolls down the concrete slab and all the way into the bayou. Jake puts the 45. back into his jacket and sits there. He closes his eyes for a moment then rises. He walks out from under the bridge and steps up top of the path he had previously been chased on. He continues back down the path then tosses to gun into a patch of grass. The camera rests on the gun.

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IANG on 1/27/07 at 10:09 PM

One of the first things you might notice about the movie is that although it never got a wide release the budget appears to be really quite huge. I don't know why a studio funded an R rated sci-fi comedy so heavily especially when Luke Wilson is the lead but whatever. Although it's not a profitable idea it's still pretty good. The movie basically is talking about how as time goes on smart people have less and less kids because they think about the consequences to much and dumb people have lots and lots of kids and basically populate the earth with a bunch of total morons. Luke Wilson was a totally average man in 2005 but after being chryogenically frozen for what was supposed to be one year but turned into 500 he's the smartest man on the planet. Everyone says he talks like a "Fag", the number one movie in the country is called "Ass" and is just some guys ass that farts everyonce in a while on the screen, it of course won best picture for that year and best original screenplay as well. Fuddruckers is now Butt Fuckers and many other little jokes like that. Costco is the size of new york city, lots of little jokes stretched out to ninety minutes, it works, just not extremely well. Overall pretty funny, but not as funny as it thinks it is... 6/10

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IANG on 1/26/07 at 7:02 PM

Now I could definetely see someone not liking this movie, I happened to think it was awesome. I can see why people would think its a Tarantino rip off but its still a reallly fun, really violent, and relentlessly comic in a very dark way. It suffers from a side story that involves a twist which I ended up liking because it helped the ending to be pretty cool but the movie would've been pretty good if it was just balls to the wall action with a little less plot. Joe Carnahan definetely still has it, he not only directs the actors very well, he also does some magnificent work with the camera, the cinematography in this movie is awesome. One of the better guy movies in a while, probably the best guy movie since "The Departed" came out. Great fun, awesome action, a bit of a weak plot but still bareable, and some pretty good acting to top it all off.

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