NAME: Sands, Sheldon Jeffrey

LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003), alias Johnny Depp.

HISTORY: The Agency assigned Sands to prevent the assassination of the Mexican president at the hands of Emiliano Marquez (rogue general) and Armando Barillo (drug lord). Critical mistakes Sands made include hiring the long-haired guy with emotional baggage, and recruiting traitor Ajedrez Barillo (daughter of Armando), who Sands probably hired based on looks, let's be honest here. Family bonding in the Barillo family included drilling out Sands's eyes. Sands killed Ajedrez in revenge, then wandered into the country.

STATUS: MIA. Possibly spotted last week in Rio de Janeiro, scraping by as an award-winning film critic.

THREAT ASSESSMENT: If you stand still and make a lot of noise, Sands is still capable of shooting to kill. So don't do that.