Total Recall: Evil Movie Kids
With Orphan hitting theaters, we run down the least well-behaved children in cinema history.
Kids say the darndest things -- we all knew it even before Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby turned wisdom from the mouths of babes into TV comedy gold. But some of Hollywood's most memorable tots have also done the darndest things, and by "darndest" we mean "illegal, immoral, and downright terrifying." This week's Orphan -- starring the undoubtedly sweet-in-real-life Isabelle Fuhrman as an adoptee lacking in the sugar, spice, and/or everything nice department -- adds to the rich cinematic legacy of kids behaving badly, so we thought now would be an excellent time to take a look back at 15 of the creepiest youngsters in film.
With such a deep pool of junior misanthropists to draw from, we've undoubtedly left some of your favorites off the list -- such as the pants-wettingly menacing twins from The Shining, whose awful, awful chorus of "come play with us forever" would have been enough to vault them near the head of the class if they hadn't been, you know, dead when they uttered it. But even sticking solely with the realm of the living, we've been able to assemble quite the rogue's gallery for you, encompassing tiny terrors both well-remembered (Samara from The Ring) and not (the bloodthirsty infant immortalized in Larry Cohen's It's Alive). They come from films with wildly divergent Tomatometers, but they all have one thing in common: You wouldn't want to babysit them. Time for Total Recall!
15. Ronnie Shields (Role Models)
Compared to a lot of other kids on this list, Role Models' Ronnie Shields (Bobb'e J. Thompson) is relatively benign -- rather than a genuine troublemaker, he's really just a kid who desperately needs a father figure, and who has the misfortune of being saddled with an unrepentant skirt-chaser like Anson Wheeler (Seann William Scott) instead. Still, Ronnie deserves inclusion here, if for no other reason than the times he hauls off and slaps Wheeler in his smug face. Every actor worth his salt has a unique specialty, and Scott's is playing characters who really need to get what's coming to them; Thompson's on the other hand, is apparently playing pint-sized, foul-mouthed terrors who are only too happy to deliver said comeuppances. Let's dance, Ben Affleck!
14. Eric Bates (The Toy)
Spoiling a child, while it may make you feel like a better parent in the short term, rarely produces desirable results in the long run. Case in point: "Master" Eric Bates, the unbelievably obnoxious young heir of multi-mega magnate U.S. Bates (Jackie Gleason). Played memorably by cinematic 1980s wonder brat Scott Schwartz, little Eric is so accustomed to getting everything he wants from his father that he actually demands to have -- and gets -- ownership of a person (played by a perfectly incredulous Richard Pryor). Of course, his plans for his new toy aren't completely benign; he plays a series of pranks on his poor houseguest (including tricking him into getting nibbled by piranhas) before recruiting him to help expose the elder Bates' unsavory business practices. See, parents? Give your kids whatever they want, and eventually they might just end up coming after you.
13. Veruca Salt (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory/ Charlie and the Chocolate Factory )
A girl whose bad behavior was so legendary that her name was taken by a female-fronted, punk-pop-playing alternative rock band in the 1990s, Veruca Salt has made her way to the big screen twice -- and both times, her epic selfishness and greed have sent her plummeting to her apparent doom at the bottom of a garbage incinerator, although not before she wreaked havoc on the lives of everyone in her immediate vicinity. She may not have had the homicidal urges indulged by many of her peers on this list, but with virtually unlimited wealth and astonishingly indulgent parents on her side, there's no telling how Veruca might have ended up had she not made the mistake of angering a room full of Oompa Loompas.
12. Bébé's Kids (Bébé's Kids)
Any baby who speaks with Tone-Loc's voice has got to be trouble, and Pee-Wee -- the diaper-wearing youngest of Bébé's Kids -- is no exception. In fact, the closing moments of this animated cult classic capture the incorrigible toddler as he sends the entire city of Las Vegas plummeting into a blackout. (It's sort of the city's fault, relying on a single plug for all of its power, but still -- naughty Pee-Wee.) The two elder Kids aren't any better; in fact, over the course of the film, the clan manages to essentially destroy an entire amusement park as they repeatedly foil the efforts of their unwilling temporary guardian (a character inspired, like the rest, by the late comedian Robin Harris) to find someone who doesn't scream "Run! It's Bébé's Kids!" when they come into view.
11. Junior (Problem Child)
Adopting a child is inarguably one of the most noble things a person can do, and there are never enough prospective parents to match the number of kids who need a loving home -- which is why 1990's Problem Child was doubtless greeted with gasps of horror and revulsion at orphanages all over the world when it arrived in theaters. Despite giving the appearance of an innocent redheaded boy with an adorably grown-up fashion sense, little Junior (Michael Oliver) quickly revealed himself to be a pint-sized psychopath whose penchant for bowties is actually a sartorial tribute to a notorious serial killer. In the end, the movie's biggest lesson may have been that you should never hire an adoption agent who sounds like Gilbert Gottfried -- or it might simply have been that audiences like watching parents suffer on the big screen, because Problem Child did well enough to justify a pair of sequels. (Bonus fun fact: Oliver's mom-slash-manager was sued by Universal after Problem Child 2 wrapped, in a lawsuit -- which the studio eventually won -- alleging she extorted a raise for her son. Life imitates art!)
RamALamADingDong on 07-23-2009 09:48 AM
Every so often I hear a little kid laugh like Undead-Gabe and it freaks me out. Of course the book is so much better, as it usually is. Damn Stephen King scaring people so well.
Also I would have liked some mention of the ghost twins from The Shining. How can you hear "Come play with us" without thinking of mutilated bodies.
RamALamADingDong on 07-23-2009 09:50 AM
Disregard the second paragraph. I should not have skimmed through the opening.
King Kubrick on 07-23-2009 08:22 PM
I watched pet semetary as a child and gabe haunted my dreams. King is indeed a master. He evokes our deepest existential fears. Almost every movie based on his book's fail to mirror the dread of his novels (save for the shining which improved on the source material; carrie and pet semetary also come close to an approximation of the heights of their sources).