The poster alone makes you want to drink bleach. Not to whiten your teeth any more, but to forbid you of ever seeing this.
And the movie starts out with this exact formula, and it continues with "tooth" and "wing" puns coming from left right and center (if you say left and right wing I may have to proceed on that bleach drinking offer. I can't take it anymore).
As puns are unacceptable in such large doses, and while the acting by some was really below sub par (and by some I mean the main man, Dwayne Johnson, who smiles as he "screams horrifically"), The Tooth Fairy wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Okay. The plot was extremely cliche and is able to be seen from continents away (even if you use shrinking paste it can be seen. In fact, even if invisible spray was used it can be seen). Dwayne is a hockey player known for knocking teeth out. Okay let's stop here for a second. How the hell does someone do this so often? And he doesn't even hit them directly in the face: He checks them into a board and their teeth fly out? Oh, and the Space Odyssey parody just reminded me of far superior movies I could be watching, and it was not funny. But yeah, it seems that he does this all the time as he remarks on how many minutes he has been in the penalty box, and he has his own chair in the box. That and he is named the tooth fairy. I don't know if the writers realize this or not, but teeth are not lego blocks. They do not detach instantly.
We're not even 10 minutes into the movie and I already have another complaint. The part where Dwayne crushes a kids hopes and dreams by saying he will never make it into the hockey league. First of all, you were an NHL has been who is in a lower league, so do not talk like you are at the height of your game. Secondly, seriously, who the heck talks like this to a kid? Nobody has so much arrogance to say this. If anything, the really arrogant people try to seem MORE like role models so the kids will admire them even more. Do the writers know anything about self absorption? Two strikes and the movie has barely begun.
We are now introduced to Dwayne's girlfriend, played by Ashley Judd, who is always lovely. But wait, is it already time for strike three? I think it is. While Dwayne is playing poker, he runs out of money and offers autographs to sell. This seems like an okay request, as it could sell some bit of money (not as much as an NHL player, but still.) The other players won't allow it, so what better idea than to GO UPSTAIRS AND STEAL THE MONEY LEFT UNDER YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S DAUGHTER'S PILLOW? Here's the worst part: At first I thought, okay, maybe he played the role of the rich guardian and left about 20 dollars or something, so okay, that's enough to play a hand with. But no. He takes ONE DOLLAR. You don't have ONE DOLLAR laying around so you take your girlfriend's child's dollar? Okay, Jesus it's 15 minutes and there's already 3 strikes.
Dwayne tries to tell the kid, after she goes ballistic (and who wouldn't at that age except for children with awful parents: Thank God she's Ashley's), that the tooth fairy is not real. Then he goes to sleep and he finds a penalty statement under his pillow. That... was rather easy to find, don't you think? He transforms into a fairy and he goes to fairy land. Julie Andrews in the form of a fairy says he has to be a fairy for two weeks as punishment.
So you know how it goes. Big hockey star turning into a fairy spontaneously ensues hi-jinks. But now, time for more complaints.
One point he transforms into a fairy at Ashley's house and he tells her to stay away as he is sick and doesn't look well. Wouldn't any caring loved one go and try to help the sick one? If I heard that someone was having an allergic reaction and said "no don't come here, I'm swollen and ugly", would I go "oh okay I'll stay away and wait for hours until he's okay"? No. It looks like we have reached that unknown variable that the tall gaunt fairy mentions in the movie: Strike four.
As I'm tired of ranting about this film, one last final complaint. It's not really a strike, but I still feel the need to ask about it. If he failed as a fairy until he did things "his way", meaning dressed up in a hockey outfit, how the hell does that change anything? Maybe he'll feel safer around cats with the padding, but that's it. He doesn't even wear skates to go faster. Suddenly he becomes what seems to be a professional at this? That isn't how life works. That's like saying I am a really bad president of a country, but hold on, let's try things MY way. I am now donned in assless chaps and a leather jacket with a cowboy hat and I have a whip. Suddenly, the country is debt free and the healthiest and safest country in the world. THAT ISN'T HOW LIFE WORKS.
Let's just wrap this up. He bonds with the kids, tries to become a better hockey player and fairy. He has a tantrum and loses everything. Then, as miraculously as the whole "my way" bs, he gets everything back. Happy ending.
Wait. One last thing to complain about, and this may just be the worst. How could I forget about it? Oh, Amnesia Dust. Yeah, amnesia dust. What they use in the film all the time. A little bit of dust makes people forget the last few seconds (as they claim but it seems to be they forget everything) of their lives. I say the "forget everything" bit as at one point, he used the dust on a family and they forget that they are even related. That... never mind. So at the end, he's done his fairy duty and he can go home. But not until Julie Andrews uses a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.
Wait, wrong movie.
But not until Julie Andrews uses amnesia dust to make Dwayne, and I'm not kidding, FORGET THAT HE WAS EVER A FAIRY. Seriously, so this ENTIRE FILM was for nothing? Nothing was solved? You can say "oh but he has a positive view on life now and is on good terms with everyone". Yeah, he could have done that in many other ways: Buying a cute dog that changes his life, finding out he has a kid and bonding with him, I dunno, Disney seems endless with these kinds of ideas. But then he forgets everything that made him the way he is? I wish I had some of that dust. Strike Five.
While I've just written the War and Peace on why this movie is destined to kill brain cells, it's actually not the worst movie I've seen. It is moronic, but at the same time you can tell that there is some charm put in it. Dwayne may not be Sean Penn, but you can tell that he had fun with this and he tried. There is some effort like most Disney movies (except for Old Dogs... Oh God...) put into this, which makes all the above horrible events somewhat harmless. It's mindless but at the same time a bit enjoyable. Would I watch it again? Nope. But I recommend it for families, as I don't think children are bitter like me and they won't notice the flaws. They'll appreciate the fun in it, as they should.
Final Rating: 2.2/10
Keep An Eye Out For: Some interesting cameos. Billy Crystal and Seth McFarlane, of all people. Actually, these are the only two people who made me laugh in this film (until Billy's creepy footprints statement... Watch it to find out), and I don't think Seth was even trying to be funny.