0 stars

Wow. What an aptly named movie.

I pretty much was "Alone in the Dark" on opening night. That should tell you something right there, because, normally, new movies do well at the
box office simply because they're new. This is so awful that word must have gotten around fast.

It's so bad, in fact, that it's almost impossible to laugh at it, although I did manage a few chuckles along the way. Not that it's meant to be a comedy.

First, it opens with an astonishingly lengthy text which, I assume, is based on the video game that is the foundation for this very film. Anyway, if you can sit through this, you learn that there's some
alien/mutant activity and you'll figure out that hybrids may be afoot.

As indeed they are, and one is after Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), a paranormal investigator who also is a finder of lost artifacts, or
something like that. Anyway, this guy chases Edward through a crowded marketplace. Even when the guy is shot it just seems to make him more irritated and doesn't slow him down much. He's after this artifact, see, and it takes a lot to slow him down.

Edward thinks it has something to do with Edward's own past that involved being kidnapped from an orphanage. Edward wisely hangs on to
the artifact as well as museum curator Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid), who wants to help him find out about his past. They have to team up together
to fight off some invisible monsters that aren't always invisible.

There's not a high quotient of gore, but there's some. There's not a high quotient of plot, either, in what could be the worst movie of the year (yet, with the likes of "Son of the Mask" on the way, it's too soon to tell).

The story line is nonexistent, and the acting ... well, Reid doesn't need to worry about what to wear to the Oscars next year. Putting glasses on her does not a scientist make. Slater and Stephen Dorff do what they can but they're trapped in a flick that probably won't make it into their publicity bios.

This is one of the most boring, purposeless movies that's ever been made. I have no idea why director Uwe Bill, who also wrought the equally
hideous "House of the Dead" ever was allowed near a camera again.

Believe me, you don't want to be "Alone in the Dark" with this monster.

Running time: Ninety-five looong minutes.

Rated: For foul language, gore, violence and sexual situations.

Director: Uwe Boll.

Screenwriters: Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer.

Stars: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff and Matthew Walker.