Alone in the Dark Reviews
My best advice to you would be this: expect a suckfest. That way you won't be disappointed.
What a goddamn mess. There's so much crap to write about this that I woun't even bother. The best scene is when a bomb explodes, leaving the whole screen full of dust. That's how much I liked this waste of time.
I don't think we're supposed to watch this film...
The filmmakers missed the point of the series entirely. This film is a lame scientific creature invasion plot ala Doom. Nothing like the game series, you idiot filmmakers!
The construction of this movie is on par with that of a hyper-low-budget B-horror movie, not a 20 million dollar project. It is astonishing that one movie can be rife with so much incompetence. Don't even waste your time.
What's the best way not to start your movie? With a text crawl that last a minute and half read by a boring narrator. What's worse is our star is Christian Slater who you might as guess gives a Razzie Winning performance here. This movie is honestly filled with more wooden actors than wooden trees. The plot is essentially a contradiction of itself filled plot holes after plot holes. It's very stupid to say the least, non is more evidence with the scene when Slater is in a car chase and the taxi he's in won't start up. So if you have someone who's chasing you backing up their car to crash into you again, WHY in the world would you get out of the car in the direction the car is going to hit you. Yet despite us never seeing Slater chaser never getting out of the car, he disappears to only climb over a fence, walk on a bridge and then attacks Slater. Why he didn't attack Slater directly is anyone guess? The first action scene is very implausible, Slater shoots the guy chasing him with a gun several times including in the heart yet it's getting impale by a sharp object that kills him. This is surprisingly not the dumbest moment in the movie. What is the dumbest moment in this movie when am agent is showing Slater pictures of people that have disappeared he says that there are only 3 pictures, but, he actually showing him 4 people. The agent also says these three people have nothing in common expect they grew up in the same orphanage. IDIOTS! One very notable flaws comes from the ending in which an entire army of monsters which were never explained or shown attacked the city with entire evacuation of the city in one night. Yet somehow despite the monster attack the city is surprisingly clean with no indication of any destruction in the city. And it ends with Slater character being killed despite the movie constantly establishing the creatures weakness being light and this ending rips off The Evil Dead ending.
As for the horror aspect of the movie there really weak, Uwe Boll actually tries to scare people with flickering lights. There's also a scene in which it's film in a way in which someone is following Slater, but no ones actually which results in one of many completely pointless moments. You have better chance of being terrify by Casper the friend ghost even terrifying than anything in this movie. The worst element about the horror aspect is the heavy metal music which is out of place for this movie. As for the dialogue it's horrible. Some notable bad lines includes "Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it can't kill you", well that's obvious. Another bad line includes "If you're going to build a puzzle? Why hide the pieces so far apart?", it's a puzzle of course it's to be hard to solve. The action scenes themselves are somehow even worst than Steven Seagal. Nearly every action scene is shot in the dark and terrible lightning makes sure you don't see what's going on. Everything is poorly done here from continuity errors, hue plot holes, poor direction, and nothing is right here. Yet despite it being a very poor movie, it did deliver some laughs with some priceless bad acting and a death scene in which a zombie is killed despite the bullet clearly flying over her head. It's one of most poorly made movie I've ever seen, but in all fairness I've seen allot worse than this.
As for this Uwe Boll being called the new Ed Wood must stop. Uwe Boll is in no way the new Ed Wood. Ed Wood actually has an audience that enjoy his movies no matter how poor they are where Uwe Boll does not have an audience for his very awful movies. If there's anyone you should compare Uwe Boll to is Jorge Ameer. You might be wondering who's Jorge Ameer is, he's a talent-less director much as the same level of Uwe Boll, but even worse. In case you don't believe me, just type in The Singing Forest and see what the community has to say about one of his better efforts.
Alone In The Dark should stay in the dark there's no audience for this movie and there's hardly anything worth salvaging in this movie. Simply stay away from this movie, it's not worth you time.
The Nostalgia critic's review on this movie was enough. I seriously busted a lung the day I watched the review to this movie. I'd have to be excessively drunk, high, & on methane all at the same time to watch this movie (and yet I do none of those things). Nothing in this movie makes sense, NOTHING. I think even that horrible straight to DVD movie, Hammerhead, is better than this. This movie isn't even on the quality or level of a straight to DVD film. It takes itself too damn seriously, a plot that changes & can never sit still for even 5 seconds (no for real, you'll forget you're watching the same movie), acting that makes One Missed Call's acting look Oscar-Worthy, dialogue that seemed to have been given to the characters from a 50 cent robot, & special effects that make a Sci-Fi channel original movie's effects look like Avatar's!
I cannot review this movie by each category I usually do in my other reviews because my brain hurt TRYING to find ways to put them all separately. No, it really was THAT bad.
We have Christian Slater's character who is the main character of the story, but the problem is, that he monologues, & let me tell you that while most movies that have character monologues aren't bad this one on the other hand, was horrible. The dialogue is horrible & makes no sense. The movie suffers from having no damn plot but having too much plot at the same time. How is that possible? I have no idea. But let me say that I was actually surprised to see that Wikipedia actually managed to find a plot about this movie. No, really, I wonder how long some of the editors on the article to this movie on Wiki must have taken to find some trace of plot on this movie. And that's not even the start.
The plot goes from one plot point, & then to another, & then it has scenes that have NOTHING to do or are relevant to the story. No, I'm not kidding, you'll actually forget you're watching the same movie. And don't even get me started on how illogical it is.
The characters are also fucking idiotic beyond levels. each & every one of the characters are both assholes, & are completely useless. Tara Reed's character is nothing more than a whore, who is supposed to make us believe she is an intelligent scientists simply because she has glasses. And trust me, each of them are idiots in every meaning of the word. Tara's Character: "Yeah, if each piece is a part of a puzzle, why would you hide each of them in different parts of the world?"...................................BECAUSE IT'S A PUZZLE!! Man, theses actors don't even try to make sense out of themselves!
And then we have idiotic camera movements & action scenes. Slater's character gets the sense that he's being followed, when the camera suddenly makes a strange, & dynamic movement around his area, making us believe he really is being followed? Was he? No, he wasn't. Which was pretty damn pointless. And then we have action scenes of the character fighting with guns IN THE DARK. Does shooting guns in the dark sound like a good idea to you? And then the characters start to shoot a bunch of people that suddenly appear out of nowhere to attack them. the thing is, most of those could be innocent bystanders just trying to runaway from the danger, & the actors just mindlessly shoot them. And the funniest part of the entire action scene in the dark was how Slater shot one of the human evil things, & the ray of the gun didn't even hit her & she still died. No, I'm being serious, the ray shot of the gun passed over the chick's head & she falls down dead.
We then have some sort of scene where these people on a ship make an amazing discovery, a box made of pure gold. Tempted by their greed, the captain's crew decides to lock him up in one of the ship's room. Which suddenly, he opens, which makes no sense because the door was LOCKED! FROM. THE. OUTSIDE. When he steps out he sees his entire crew was apparently murdered by whatever the hell was inside that box. No, but before that, as the box was opened, a specific set of actors from distant places suddenly, without question or a sign of any trance-like state or hypnotism, decide to just walk out of wherever the hell they are. What makes it even worse is that we get no information or background to where they hell they were headed & why.
This movie also can't seem to stand still. We get a focus of one scene for less than 2 minutes, & then jumps to another spot, but it's worse, it just suddenly decides jumps from one location to another in almost that exact same amount of time. One minute a character is like in a cave (just an example), only then after those 2 minutes of location & talk, the film jumps to another distant location.
Then Slater suddenly asks some investigator to meet him & tell him what all these missing people from the previous scene have in common; only to be told, "Nothing much in common except they all grew up in the same orphanage." Oh wow, that's all? Suddenly we go into the museum where Tara's dumbass character works in when suddenly the lights start to flicker on & off. Before I go on, let me tell you that the flickering lights look horrible. They're supposed to give the watcher of the movie a sense of terror & fear, only that they look like someone in the room is just turning the light switch on & off constantly.
The security guard decides to check it out when suddenly a terrible CGI monster attacks & kills him from behind. The monster in the movie LOOK pretty cool, but the CGI on them is horrible beyond words. After the guard's death, Tara's & Slater's character see the creature & run away from it, & after running the Agency of the Paranormal decide to drop in.
After that we go back yet again to Slater's garage home & more of his damn monologue. When suddenly Tara's character walks in. Does she have any information on the case or is she hear to possibly ask about the large amount of plotholes in this movie or to ask SLater why he lied about being dead? No, she isn't, only to prove she's a whore, the two suddenly make love. Yeah, & the love scene is just laughable. And and you know what, that whole sex scene would have been a good scene to actually hear some monologue. So after the two make love to each other,the lights begin to flicker again, & that's when the whole fight scene in the dark I mentioned previous mentioned comes in. What I forgot to mention is that Tara's character picks up a gun & shoots it with 100% accuracy when she looks like she's never picked one up before, just like in House of the Dead. We also get the same turning camera movements like they also did in House of the Dead.
Oh but wait, I'm not even done with the review; the whole movie, especially that pitch dark fight scene, has a horrible Metal soundtrack. And I'm just saying that because I fucking hate Metal, no, I listened to the soundtrack carefully, as painful as it was, & the songs were all horribly written by shitty metal bands. You know, if you really wanted to pick shit metal music, then pick some shit metal bands that are actually better than that, like Korn &/or Slipknot.
And wait just again, this movie is not even finished after that whole fight in the dark scene, no. Like I said previously, this movie somehow has no plot, but too much plot at the same time. How long is this movie? IDK, find out yourself.
And I am not going to continue because there is just TOO MUCH MORE to write about this movie. And I would really like to continue but my fingers are hurting of how much typing I spent, & my brain just hurts about the same just trying to think & describe to you how bad this movie is. This movie is SURPRISINGLY worse than House of the Dead, done by the same director. This movie makes no sense, the dialogue is just horrible, the acting is atrocious, the characters are dumbasses, the effects are shit. This movie is everything a movie should not be. Why this movie wasn't placed on the #1 spot on RT's "Worst of the Worst" list is beyond me. There is so much about this movie that is bad, & I can spend about 3 hours telling you about it.
Some advice, DO NOT WATCH ANYTHING Uwe Boll has made. I only saw House of the Dead (half of it to the end), & I felt my brain die after it. Seriously, it's that bad, this review, a critic's reviews, & user reviews are not enough to fully say how bad this film is. All you need to watch is the Nostalgia critic's review for this film, & you know that's all you needed to hear to know this film, & other of Boll's works are absolute garbage.
The horror, THE HORROR!
No stars out of 4