I just watched Amarcord, and I'm left wondering: if this was what your youth was like, why am I not more famous? After all, most of the film is spent on the "you" character chasing tail, getting into trouble, listening to "your" parents yell, pissing on the classroom floor, and not really doing much of anything. Your youth was more wasted than Lindsay Lohan on New Years. I understand that this film is a love letter to the town more than a chronicle of your youth, but once you put this film out there for the public, aren't you supposed to elevate the particular to the universal?
What I really want to know is why does everybody like you? I mean Woody Allen thinks you're amazing; Roger Ebert would let you skull fuck him. But I've watched two of your critically acclaimed films - movies that everybody said were good - and I still can't understand the attraction. What is it about you that people like so much? I'm genuinely curious.
I read other reviews of Amarcord, and they said it was a comedy. I was shocked. The guy in the tree screaming "I want a woman" was funny? The fart jokes were material for a film auteur? I'm confused, man.
In the end, what I really want is this: I know you're dead and all that, but if you could make a re-appearance and explain the attraction, I would really appreciate it. Or - and this would make me really happy - could you possibly tell us that your entire canon was a massive practical joke? Basically state that you were drunk most of the time and just threw shit at the wall - wrote the dialogue on the way to the set - and that you were as surprised as anyone when you got awards. I know your busy in the afterlife taking a harp lesson or fucking Marilyn Monroe, but I'm feeling like I'm missing out on something when I watch your movies, and I really want to know what it is.