I spent the entire movie wondering if this was rom-com or porn. Several times over the course of [yikes] two hours, characters take their clothes off for no reason. Who plays Wii Fit in the nude?
Cub-hopeful Tyler spends most of his time grappling with the arbitrary bowling-as-sexual-maturity metaphor Bear-King Roger rams down his throat [figuratively - calm down] after they meet in the one magically empty bowling alley in Manhattan. [Are bears into bowling? Is that a thing?] "Make this spare, and we can be together." What's the billiards equivalent? "Make this bank shot, and I'm yours?"
Dabbling-with-an-open-relationship couple Fred and Brent are the most realistic people in the movie [Brent gets all the best lines, one of which is simply "Insert joke here" - I like to think this was a placeholder in the script, and they ran out of time]. Carlos and Michael resolve their please-stay-fat differences so quickly you'll get whiplash. [Also I wonder if Carlos has read much about heart disease recently. Does Michael have an inheritance we don't know about?]
Similarly, Roger gets scorned by this weekend's Latino treat and spins on his heel to realize he's always been in love with Tyler; at least, since the eight steps he's taken coming back from the darkroom. Was there a coach on the sidelines signaling "WRAP IT UP!" to everybody? You had two hours, guys.
The "Bear City" main event - described as the biggest of its kind in NYC -- is 15 people hanging out in a backyard. Where's the Slip-N-Slide? I guess no one else was in Manhattan that day.
Keep an eye out for a "Bear Makeover" shopping montage scene which I'm positive is someone's apartment with changing rooms made out of stacked boxes. Throughout the movie, the quality of lighting and composition change so drastically between each shot that you'll wonder if characters having a conversation were in the same room.
Minutes before the movie concludes, the characters all take ecstasy. I understand the urge to turn to drugs as a desperate last effort to escape the amateurish slapdash trudge that is Bear City. Don't fill out that change-of-address card just yet... Mama's comin' home.