Marvel Movie Madness! Part 9: Blade: Trinity

Summary

Jeff: Well, that was disappointing. But hey, when a movie includes a voiceover sequence and one character warning another with the hoary phrase "you're gettin' reckless" within the first 10 minutes, you kind of have to be grateful that it's at least telling you upfront that it isn't going to be any good. Even for the third installment in an action thriller vampire trilogy, Blade: Trinity is packed with "wait, what?" moments, from its cast full of talented character actors who had mortgage payments (including Eric Bogosian, Patton Oswalt, and Parker Posey, who clearly studied for her role by watching Sandra Bernhard in Hudson Hawk) to its laughably senseless plot (Dracula can shape-shift because he has very tiny bones?). Back to Article

Comments

Clint D.

Clint Davis

Next to Ang Lee's Hulk, this is the most unwatchable Marvel movie for me. Give me Howard the Duck over this film anyday

May 27 - 05:14 PM

algreen99

AL Green

No my friend, Hulk 2003 is far more tolerable than this.

May 27 - 07:14 PM

Alan Smithee

Alan Smithee

It's certainly among a long list of Marvel's worst. I found Punisher Warzone to be the most unwatchable though.

May 27 - 07:42 PM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

Punisher Warzone was truly terrible.

May 27 - 09:15 PM

King Crunk

King Crunk

Definitely one of the worst movies ever based on a comic property. It was like they read Garth Ennis' comic-books, and decided they wanted to take the extreme violence from those, except take it to ridiculous heights, take out his great writing, and throw a really shitty story in, too. Not to mention the production values are absolutely bottom of the barrel. You can clearly tell The Punisher is holding a doll and not an actual child when he blows one guy's face off. It is a laughably bad movie.

May 27 - 11:54 PM

Tyler P.

Tyler P

In all seriousness, Howard the Duck was actually an extremely enjoyable movie. It would have been great if it weren't for the second half of the movie when Jeffrey Jones' character came in. Who didn't get an erection when Howard and the girl were about to have sex? Why are you looking at me like that...

May 29 - 02:52 PM

quietus28

jj l

I actually enjoyed Ang Lee's Hulk, and found it far more interesting and enjoyable than the Edward Norton one.

May 31 - 09:48 AM

King Crunk

King Crunk

Yeah, this one was really bad. I agree with pretty much everything Matt said. I enjoyed the first two movies (I still think the first one is very underrated), but this flick deserves all the shit it gets.

May 27 - 05:16 PM

Dragonrider2007

Aaron Davies

I actually semi enjoyed this movie just because Ryan Reynolds made me forget how bad it was.

May 27 - 05:34 PM

Murdoch

Murdoch +

That exact same performance will have the opposite effect in Green Lantern

May 27 - 07:10 PM

Valmordas

Val Mordas

Actually, Ryan Reynolds is why this movie was so bad.

May 29 - 09:25 PM

TheMovieNerd

Tumelo Drametu

I don't mind this movie. It is not as good as the other two films but i still have no problem watching it.

May 27 - 05:39 PM

Justin D.

Justin D.

This movie is awful, and completely undermines everything that was established in the first two films. How did vampires go from being an enormous subculture, complete with nightclubs, ancient bloodlines, science labs, internal conflicts (pure bloods vs. human-turned-vampires), etc, to a group of whiny henchmen in an office building led by Parker Posey (sporting prosthetic fangs way too big for her face) and Triple freaking H?!?!

Blade went from being the brooding tortured star of his own franchise to a grouchy, grumbling babysitter. Ryan Reynolds was pretty funny, except the actual Hannibal King wasn't anything like that. It's as if Goyer said, "Hey this guy's in the comics and has a cool name, but instead of being a serious former vampire detective, let's make him Deadpool." Jessica Biel's character was a walking Apple advertisement, even though listening to Jurassic 5 on your iPod while fighting hordes of undead bloodsuckers is a surefire way to get shot in the back. Dracula made even less sense. I understand wanting to do something different w/ the legendary creature but come on; his tiny bones allow him to shape shift (and apparently change his skin pigment too)? He looked more like the red demon from that movie "Legend."

There was a good idea in here somewhere but it got lost in this mess. I said it in the "Blade II" segment that David Goyer is hit or miss and this one is definitely a miss. Blade vs Dracula would have made a perfect movie, but those involved in making this third outing seemed more interested in revving up the cool rather than weaving the concept into a worthwhile narrative. Oh well. Maybe someone will try to reboot the franchise (they've done it with everything else).

May 27 - 06:38 PM

waggaga1

noel noel

This movie sucked. That's that.

May 27 - 06:55 PM

MAMOVIES

Matheus Cassiano

Agree

May 29 - 02:15 PM

Murdoch

Murdoch +

That exact same performance will have the opposite effect in Green Lantern

May 27 - 07:10 PM

algreen99

AL Green

No my friend, Hulk 2003 is far more tolerable than this.

May 27 - 07:14 PM

algreen99

AL Green

David Goyer should stay away from the directors chair. Co writing a batman movie with Nolan? Yes. Directing his own movie? NO. The Ipod bits was vomit inducing. Dont know why Goyer made her *a human* able to go hand to hand combatant with vampires whom are obviously way stronger than humans. The only good thing about this movie is that they killed Whistler in the beginning.

May 27 - 07:28 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

I hated the fact that Whistler got capped again. You don't treat Kristofferson that way man, you just don't.

May 27 - 07:42 PM

algreen99

AL Green

They should have never brought him back for part 2. They way he went out in part 1 was perfect.

May 27 - 08:06 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Yeah, I agree there. The whole bringing him back in 2 felt incredibly contrived.

May 27 - 08:35 PM

algreen99

AL Green

Its always weird re reading something I wrote and noticing the typos. Oh well.

May 28 - 01:29 AM

Justin D.

Justin D.

I didn't mind them bringing him back (though they didn't need to), but the way he died in "Blade: Trinity" made his resurrection in "Blade II" seem pointless. Why revive him just to kill him again? This movie blew chunks all over the audience.

May 28 - 08:42 AM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

This piece of shit was so bad that it's physically painful to watch. Also - I fucking hated Reynolds in this movie, he was the most annoying character in the recent memory for me, probably since Jar Jar Binks assaulted my senses back in '01... like that work buddy you have that always thinks he's funny, but in actuality grates on everyone's nerves. This was back before Reynolds became a credible actor in my eyes.

May 27 - 07:41 PM

algreen99

AL Green

Could not agree more. His jokes truly got tedious. Buried was not enough for me. The guy just cant shed his vin wilder persona in my opinion. It always comes through for me.

May 27 - 08:24 PM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

Phantom Menace came out in 1999 Watcher.

May 27 - 09:21 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Yes, but I didn't watch it until '01. All the negative buzz basically made me skip it, but then I relented when it was on TV.

May 28 - 01:17 AM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

I knew it.

May 28 - 09:58 AM

King Crunk

King Crunk

I really liked Buried. Ending pissed me off, though!

May 27 - 11:58 PM

algreen99

AL Green

I loved the premise of Buried. Reynolds was my problem. Half the time I was like wow, they locked Vin wilder in a casket. But hey thats just me.

May 28 - 01:34 AM

Manuel G.

Manuel Granados

At least you remember Van Wilder green, whenever I see Reynolds I can't help but think of the scrawny dimwit from that Tv show he did "two guys and a girl". Whenever I see a Green Lantern promo I can't help but think that his muscles are CGI too and at one point or another he'll drop some lame one liner and recorded laugh track will sound.

May 28 - 12:12 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

I hated the fact that Whistler got capped again. You don't treat Kristofferson that way man, you just don't.

May 27 - 07:42 PM

algreen99

AL Green

They should have never brought him back for part 2. They way he went out in part 1 was perfect.

May 27 - 08:06 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Yeah, I agree there. The whole bringing him back in 2 felt incredibly contrived.

May 27 - 08:35 PM

algreen99

AL Green

Its always weird re reading something I wrote and noticing the typos. Oh well.

May 28 - 01:29 AM

Justin D.

Justin D.

I didn't mind them bringing him back (though they didn't need to), but the way he died in "Blade: Trinity" made his resurrection in "Blade II" seem pointless. Why revive him just to kill him again? This movie blew chunks all over the audience.

May 28 - 08:42 AM

Alan Smithee

Alan Smithee

It's certainly among a long list of Marvel's worst. I found Punisher Warzone to be the most unwatchable though.

May 27 - 07:42 PM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

Punisher Warzone was truly terrible.

May 27 - 09:15 PM

King Crunk

King Crunk

Definitely one of the worst movies ever based on a comic property. It was like they read Garth Ennis' comic-books, and decided they wanted to take the extreme violence from those, except take it to ridiculous heights, take out his great writing, and throw a really shitty story in, too. Not to mention the production values are absolutely bottom of the barrel. You can clearly tell The Punisher is holding a doll and not an actual child when he blows one guy's face off. It is a laughably bad movie.

May 27 - 11:54 PM

algreen99

AL Green

They should have never brought him back for part 2. They way he went out in part 1 was perfect.

May 27 - 08:06 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Yeah, I agree there. The whole bringing him back in 2 felt incredibly contrived.

May 27 - 08:35 PM

algreen99

AL Green

Its always weird re reading something I wrote and noticing the typos. Oh well.

May 28 - 01:29 AM

Justin D.

Justin D.

I didn't mind them bringing him back (though they didn't need to), but the way he died in "Blade: Trinity" made his resurrection in "Blade II" seem pointless. Why revive him just to kill him again? This movie blew chunks all over the audience.

May 28 - 08:42 AM

algreen99

AL Green

Could not agree more. His jokes truly got tedious. Buried was not enough for me. The guy just cant shed his vin wilder persona in my opinion. It always comes through for me.

May 27 - 08:24 PM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

Phantom Menace came out in 1999 Watcher.

May 27 - 09:21 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Yes, but I didn't watch it until '01. All the negative buzz basically made me skip it, but then I relented when it was on TV.

May 28 - 01:17 AM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

I knew it.

May 28 - 09:58 AM

King Crunk

King Crunk

I really liked Buried. Ending pissed me off, though!

May 27 - 11:58 PM

algreen99

AL Green

I loved the premise of Buried. Reynolds was my problem. Half the time I was like wow, they locked Vin wilder in a casket. But hey thats just me.

May 28 - 01:34 AM

Manuel G.

Manuel Granados

At least you remember Van Wilder green, whenever I see Reynolds I can't help but think of the scrawny dimwit from that Tv show he did "two guys and a girl". Whenever I see a Green Lantern promo I can't help but think that his muscles are CGI too and at one point or another he'll drop some lame one liner and recorded laugh track will sound.

May 28 - 12:12 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Yeah, I agree there. The whole bringing him back in 2 felt incredibly contrived.

May 27 - 08:35 PM

Mr. Bo Ziffer

Mr. Bo Ziffer

Meh . . . still better than the TV show.

May 27 - 08:48 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Oh yeah, forgot about that POS starring Sticky Fingaz....so awful *shudder*.

May 27 - 09:09 PM

King Crunk

King Crunk

My favorite part was that they made vampire ashes a drug! Funny shit right there!

May 28 - 12:01 AM

woundedmakers

Steven Bada

Once again, Matt proves that he knows what he's talking about, and the other guys prove that they're morons.

May 27 - 08:55 PM

doomzdavo

Doomz Davo

Hey at least this time they gave us more then a few sentences. lol

May 27 - 09:16 PM

The.Watcher

The Watcher

Oh yeah, forgot about that POS starring Sticky Fingaz....so awful *shudder*.

May 27 - 09:09 PM

King Crunk

King Crunk

My favorite part was that they made vampire ashes a drug! Funny shit right there!

May 28 - 12:01 AM

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