“Burn Hollywood Burn — *


Critic: Brandon Judell

One tag line for “Burn Hollywood Burn,” a film more noteworthy for its title’s lack of commas than for any other asset, is: “The Movie Hollywood Doesn’t Want You To See.” If truth be shared, no one except possibly your worst enemy, and then some, could wish this pissant parody upon you.

A supposed satire on the West Coast entertainment industry, this scattershot effort easily earns the honor of being listed as one of the ten worst movies of the 1990’s. Even with two years left to the decade, it needn’t worry about forfeiting the honor.

Witless, horrendously acted and scripted, feebly shot and directed, this film goes even further down the path to Hell by casting two of the more talentless, unfunny men in the industry as its leads: Ryan O’Neal and Richard Jeni.

The premise of this unnatural disaster is that first-time director Alan Smithee (Eric Idle), has helmed a $200 million actioner entitled “Trio,” starring Whoopi Goldberg, Sylvester Stallone and Jackie Chan. When final cut is taken out of his hands by his producer James Edmunds (O’Neal), he steals the master print and threatens to destroy it.

He could have, like other directors have in the past, just removed his name from the picture. But in 1969, the Directors Guild of America’s Council’s solution to this very problem is too substitute the pseudonym “Alan Smithee” for the director’s real moniker. But in this case, if the real Alan Smithee removes his name from the credits, it will be substituted with “Alan Smithee,” which really wouldn’t remedy the problem at all. Ha-ha!!!!

“Burn Hollywood Burn” thus is a pseudo-documentary chronicling everyone involved in the making of “Trio” and its later destruction. Instead of plot or clever repartee, there are lots of what are supposedly industry in-jokes, none of which are amusing. Some, though, are scary.

Watching the frighteningly-tanned, ancient producer Robert Evans, who plays himself, make out with a young woman is as creepy-crawly as observing Woody Allen hit upon a 20-year-old. A worse episode has the bloated O’Neal/Edmunds receiving a “Monica Lewinsky” while driving. We’re forced to hang around to orgasm time. It’s not a pretty sight.

The movie’s funniest joke, though, occurs off the screen. Its well-known mediocre director Arthur Hiller has taken his name off the picture because, against his will, 22 minutes were edited out by its writer Joe Eszterhas. So now “Burn Baby Burn” is actually directed by “Alan Smithee.”

God bless Eszterhas at least for saving 22 minutes of our sanity. What remains of his script which aims to mock the crudities of filmmaking——this from the man who wrote “Showgirls” and “Basic Instinct”——is pure overkill. Where a subtle tweak might has been comical, he chose to employ a sledgehammer. You’ll feel it. Bring a hardhat and aspirin.



DIRECTOR: Alan Smithee
CAST: Ryan O’Neal, Coolio, Chuck D, Eric Idle, Richard Jeni, Leslie Stefanson, Sandra Bernhard, Cheri Lunghi, Harvey Weinstein, Gavin Palone, Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, Jackie Chan, Robert Evans, Robert Shapiro, Gary Franklin, Joe Eszterhas, Larry King, Peter Bart, Dominick Dunne, Billy Bob Thornton, Billy Barty, Norman Jewison, Alan Smith, Stanley Ralph Ross
WRITER: Joe Eszterhas
PRODUCER: Ben Myron (Hollywood Pictures)
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Andrew G. Vajna
CO-PRODUCER: Fred Caruso
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: Michael Sloan
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: Reynaldo Villalobos
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: David L. Snyder
EDITORS: Marcus Manton, Jim Langlois
SPECIAL THANKS TO: Dr. Joyce Brothers, The Hughes Brothers, Naomi Eszterhas

GENRE: Comedy RATING: R RUNNING TIME: 1:26