Down the Barrel Released: 2003 Director: Diana Valentine Reviewer: Eric So what do you get when a C Rated Soap Opera star writes a movie? The answer to that question is
pure crap, but if you want a persons name it's Matthew Grant. Apparently this guy has done some Soap Opera work, I checked, it's true. Even though he does this work on the side, making movies is his real passion, Matthew Grant made Down the Barrel. Down the Barrel...it's...I think...the movie is a drama with Matthew Grant as one of the lead characters, he plays the emo artist. So Down the Barrel....it's as good as your little brothers birthday party if nobody came. No one is there at this party, but only a single man that thinks he can make a movie with toys. That is how good Down the Barrel is, plus there are toys in the movie, toys that are painted to look like badass guns. Sara Caldwell, the leading lady played by unknown actress Tara Price, has had it with her father hitting her. I mean the man really hits her, after he gives a slap, about two feet away from her face, poor Caldwell's face is black and blue. This dad must take steroids, I've never seen a face turn like that since...well since never. When she packs up all her things in two bags she is off. Before she goes we see her parents, sitting at a table, saying goodbye. Oh yeah we also get a glimpse at the mother, whom also gets beat too because she has a nice black and blue eye too. I have a strange feeling Sara never gave her dad a Father of the Year award. I'm assuming her, I mean she looks to be in her late twenties, maybe she did give him one of those awards after some time. Wait a second she took all those beatings for that long, maybe we shouldn't feel to bad for she, I mean come on is she that retarded? Well yes, she gets she two bags stolen right away when she gets off the bus and moves in with J.C., played by the writer and famous C Rated Soap Opera star Matthew Grant. Damn this movie is getting great now, get ready for some fast paced action in this hell raising drama movie... Sara is always getting a job at the local strip club, then quitting, it's such a drama with that alone. We can thank her lovely boyfriend J.C. for getting her that job, but just to let everybody know just when she is about to strip she'll quit. Maybe after all those years of her dad beating her Sara didn't realize what a strip club was. True women do serve those fine business men drinks, but all of them also get up on stage and shed off their clothes, just so they can get the extra cash. Guess Sara is too good for that, she would rather work at the local restaurant and make jack shit. Oh but wait she gets to act to the customers and she does a horrible job. Did I forget to add that one of the other reasons Sara left was to become an actress? Well even though she sucks at acting, both in the movie and her character acting within the movie, the people all love her. Yippie skippie the dead beat restaurant will flourish, they have a real actress working there. Oh crap looks like Sara quit, guess we'll just continue to give this same old guy more coffee. I lost count of all the times Sara quitting different jobs, but thankfully she always had the strip club. Not sure what they saw in her, but I'm thinking since J.C. also did some drug deals for the owner before did help a little. J.C. is an artist, he likes to paint horrible pictures. If he isn't being all bipolar with Sara he is hanging out with his friend David, played by Luke Perry. Look at that we have a real star in this movie, Luke Perry, this movie has to be good if he is in it. Wait a second this is the same Luke Perry that was in Beverly Hills 90210. I guess he was drunk when he signed to do this movie because this is the same Luke Perry that was also in the Sandlot 3. Come on I mean the Sandlot 3 sold pretty good on DVD, it's not like you can just go anywhere to find this on store shelves. It's Luke Perry, the man is a God... Now that I am done pretending that Luke Perry is a God I will tell you a little more about his character. At points David and J.C. are friends, the next David seems to be plotting with Richard, the strip owner/drug lord, to take J.C. down. But wait now David is plotting with J.C. to take down Richard, now I have no idea what is going on. This movie doesn't seem to make any sense, either the plot is too damn screwy or we have a battle royal on our hands. It all comes down to the end where J.C. and David's plot goes full speed ahead with the best scene in movie history. I warn you now if you don't want to know what happens here then stop reading, I am going to give a spoiler to Down the Barrel. The master plan J.C. and David had was to have David mug Richard, then J.C. would come in and kill Richard during the robbery. Such a good plan, I couldn't have thought of anything more retarded in my life. Well if you haven't guessed the plan goes wrong, Richard shoots at J.C., but the bullet some how hits David, and J.C. shoots right at the wall, but some how his bullet hit Richard. Those plastic toy guns they have must have been equipped with homing bullets, I am thinking about going to my local toy store when I am done writing this to pick one up. When David is on the ground, dying, J.C. goes to him and is all upset, laughing more than fake crying. To make things worse David is laughing too and he is suppose to be the one dying. These two men were both laughing, both of them just kept smiling while they were trying to act. Didn't the director hear of the phrase "cut"? Were they on such a tight schedule with this movie that they only did one takes on everything? I could make a better death scene myself and I wouldn't be laughing. This is just bad, you really have to see it to believe it. There are some things I didn't get to touch on, but why would I want to ruin this movie? The ending will leave you speechless, trust me, I was speechless when I saw it. I still can't get over how this scene was directed, some people need to reconsider their life goals, that is all I am going to say. I guess I should have said that J.C. does start to hit Sara at times, which leads to the epic finally to Down the Barrel. Really if you have a dollar, plus some change, you might want to consider throwing it away on this movie. I did and look how I turned out. I was album to write a fantastic review and I got a nice slim DVD case, which can be used for my copy of Wii Sports. Thank you Nintendo for putting that free game in a goddamn paper case, grrrrrrr. Final Verdict Down the Barrel isn't going to win any awards, and it didn't when it came out, but with a death scene like this, they should have won at least one of those Nickelodeon awards they give out. All I can really say is Down the Barrel comes in one of those slim DVD cases and paying $1 for one of those isn't too bad. So what I am trying to say is buy this slim case, it comes with a free DVD called Down the Barrel. Rating 10 out of 10 for being a good, solid DVD case (woohoo slim case). 2out of 10 for Down the Barrel (best death scene EVER).
January 18, 2008
