G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Reviews

Top Critic
Cliff Doerksen
Chicago Reader
August 20, 2009
Loud, shiny, and critic-proof, this franchise launcher is basically Transformers minus the humanity.
Top Critic
Michael Phillips
Chicago Tribune
August 14, 2009
[Director] Sommers did the first two chaotic Mummy remakes; those play like Tender Mercies compared to this one.
Full Review | Original Score: 2/4
Top Critic
Chuck Wilson
Village Voice
August 12, 2009
After a first hour that plays like a bad TV show, Sommers hits his groove with an over-the-top Paris chase sequence that, in turn, leads to an underwater finale that's absurdly overproduced, momentarily diverting, and then instantly forgettable.
Top Critic
Christopher Orr
The New Republic
August 11, 2009
Sometimes, a film defies conventional narrative and artistic standards so utterly that it seems unfair to judge it by them.... Consider this a tone poem in 40 scraps of dialogue.
Top Critic
Rene Rodriguez
Miami Herald
August 11, 2009
It's just stupid and inept, which are not uncommon traits at the tail end of the summer movie season.
Full Review | Original Score: 1.5/4
Top Critic
Manohla Dargis
New York Times
August 11, 2009
This pricey, juiceless pulp could never have been killed by critics, simply because it was already dead.
| Original Score: 1/5
Top Critic
David Hiltbrand
Philadelphia Inquirer
August 11, 2009
OK, it's seriously deficient in plot or acting. But in this genre, those two ingredients are as superfluous as canoes in a desert.
Full Review | Original Score: 2.5/4
Top Critic
Peter Travers
Rolling Stone
August 11, 2009
I could load you up with more plot details, but this mercilessly incoherent, galactically stupid movie left me too numb to type.
Full Review | Original Score: 0.5/4
Top Critic
James Berardinelli
ReelViews
August 11, 2009
There's an expectation that the audience will be invested in the relationship between Duke and Ana, but the poor writing and lack of chemistry between the principals fails to sell the romance as anything more substantial than a weak plot element.
Full Review | Original Score: 2/4
Top Critic
Ty Burr
Boston Globe
August 11, 2009
G.I. Joe is a loud but proficient slab of explode-o-rama summer blockbuster nonsense, perfectly entertaining if you like that sort of thing, extremely skippable if you don't.
Full Review | Original Score: 2.5/4
Top Critic
Tasha Robinson
AV Club
August 11, 2009
It's a strong rival for Star Trek among the summer's most purely exciting action films.
Full Review | Original Score: B
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Stephen Cole
Globe and Mail
August 10, 2009
The new G.I. Joe movie cost $175-million (U.S.) to make and is as cluttered as a nine-year-old's bedroom.
Full Review | Original Score: 2/4
Top Critic
Roger Ebert
Chicago Sun-Times
August 9, 2009
It is sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence.
Full Review | Original Score: 2/4
Top Critic
Betsy Sharkey
Los Angeles Times
August 7, 2009
Basically, the Joes are not bad, it's just that they could have been much better with a little less conversation, a little more action.
Full Review | Original Score: 3/5
Top Critic
Ramin Setoodeh
Newsweek
August 7, 2009
G.I. Joe is like watching fireworks with a blindfold on: it's deafening and you feel under attack.
Top Critic
Rafer Guzman
Newsday
August 7, 2009
It's enjoyable enough while it's speeding along. Like the Joes themselves, the movie succeeds by simply crashing headfirst through every obstacle.
Top Critic
Dan Kois
Washington Post
August 7, 2009
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is as polished and entertaining as war-mongering toy commercials get.
Top Critic
Joe Neumaier
New York Daily News
August 7, 2009
Sure, big dumb fun can be big dumb fun, but Sommers goes beyond the "more is more" modus operandi and launches into "too much is never enough" territory.
Full Review | Original Score: 0.5/5
Top Critic
Stephen Whitty
Newark Star-Ledger
August 7, 2009
A movie that's more sci-fi than semper fi -- and possibly the most proudly mindless epic of the year.
Full Review | Original Score: 1.5/4
Top Critic
Frank Scheck
Hollywood Reporter
August 7, 2009
Not that the characters matter, because the screenwriters and director Stephen Sommers are determined to mainly deliver one high-octane, heavily CGI-laden action set piece after another, to ultimately deadening effect.
Top Critic
Roger Moore
Orlando Sentinel
August 7, 2009
It's dumb. It's digital. It's derivative. This Joe, scripted at a toy-selling TV-cartoon level, is a non-stop shoot-em-up edited to induce seizures.
Full Review | Original Score: 2/5
Top Critic
Peter Howell
Toronto Star
August 7, 2009
It is possible that never before in the annals of cinema has so much destruction been depicted on screen to so little purpose, unless you count brain or ear damage.
Full Review | Original Score: 1/4
Top Critic
Richard Corliss
TIME Magazine
August 7, 2009
The only collateral damage is in the audience, where, as you sit through the movie, you can feel your IQ drop minute by minute.
Top Critic
Peter Hartlaub
San Francisco Chronicle
August 7, 2009
Compared to other big-budget movies out this summer, it's pretty mediocre. But as a movie that no one thought would be any good because it's based on an action figure that isn't even a foot tall any more, it wildly succeeds.
Full Review | Original Score: 2.5/4
Top Critic
Kyle Smith
New York Post
August 7, 2009
Formerly a real American hero, G.I. Joe is no longer a hero (it's a team) or American (it's a multinational unit of military superstars, though the way they do business you'd rather have the Croatian navy on your side). As for real, well...
Full Review | Original Score: 0.5/4
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Tom Huddlestone
Time Out
August 7, 2009
'GI Joe' is big, dumb, loud and utterly relentless: basically, everything you could ever want from a summer blockbuster.
Full Review | Original Score: 3/5
Top Critic
Chris Nashawaty
Entertainment Weekly
August 7, 2009
Don't go expecting an escapist night at the movies; go expecting to be cudgeled into numb, drooling submission.
Full Review | Original Score: D
Top Critic
Richard Kuipers
Variety
August 6, 2009
Playing more like a highlights reel from an established franchise than a movie intended to launch it, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra interrupts its barrage of CGI action for only the barest minimum of anything resembling character development.
Top Critic
Tom Huddleston
Time Out
August 5, 2009
Coming on the heels of such DOA fare as X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Terminator Salvation, this gung ho popcorn flick feels positively visceral.
Full Review | Original Score: 3/5