First, let's get that pronunciation out of the way.

Don't say "jiggly," say "jeely." Rhymes with "really."

It's worth knowing how to pronounce "Gigli" because in a few days it will enter the vocabulary as a word meaning "massive box-office flop; an embarrassment caused by Hollywood's inability to say no to powerful creative types. See also: Ishtar."

"Gigli" is the movie that united Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, and you might think – reasonably – that the film itself cannot be as unbearable as the yearlong barrage of "news" about "B. Lo" or "Bennifer" or whatever they're being called this week.

But you'd be wrong. So incredibly wrong.

Disastrous at every level, "Gigli" requires digging through layers of mistakes to find that bedrock boo-boo responsible for every other flaw. Underneath it all lies this problem: "Gigli" has no idea what it ought to be.

Writer-director Martin Brest ("Scent of a Woman") is trying to make four disparate movies at once. Three of those movies are "Prizzi's Honor," "Rain Man" and "Chasing Amy." I'm not sure of the fourth one, but I'll lay odds it was directed by Ed Wood.

Affleck plays Larry Gigli, an L.A. hood constantly telling people, "Rhymes with 'really.' " The joke is not funny the first time, and it's not funny the 10th.

Local capo Louis (Lenny Venito) orders Gigli to kidnap a federal prosecutor's mentally disabled brother so the feds will drop charges against a mob kingpin in New York. Gigli captures the young man, Brian (Justin Bartha), but Louis doubts Gigli's ruthlessness. He sends in Ricki (Lopez) to make sure Gigli doesn't lose his nerve.

On the one hand, Gigli, who is fueled by New Jersey testosterone, resents having a female enforcer baby-sit him. On the other hand, a sexy woman has just moved into his apartment. But Ricki gives his libido a jolt when she announces she's a lesbian.

The mob comedy aspects slip to the side as "Gigli" becomes a battle of the sexes aggravated by a 30-year-old attitude that regards homosexuality as a curiosity. This subplot yields a stupefying five-minute conversation where Gigli and Ricki argue the metaphysical superiority of their sex organs.

"In every relationship, there's a bull and a cow," Gigli says. The animal metaphors get worse, culminating in Lopez delivering a turkey-related line already considered one of the most embarrassing pieces of dialogue ever spoken.

If that weren't warped enough, Gigli does indeed grow fond of Brian, who calls the time and temperature in Australia to hear the woman's accent. Brian longs to see the beach, which he calls "the Baywatch," because "You can be friends there, and I think that's where the sex is."

We know these moments are meant to touch our hearts, because composer John Powell resorts to a sappy string arrangement every time Brian speaks.

Brest fails to develop his surest source of tension because Ricki also goes soft and doesn't want to harm Brian. How either of these characters gained reputations as vicious arm-breakers is a mystery. Ricki seems better suited to giving relationship advice over the radio, and Gigli doesn't seem suited for anything.

Blame Affleck for that. He may have found the love of his life making "Gigli," but Affleck is agonizingly miscast. Looking as menacing as a twig, he overcompensates with the worst performance Robert De Niro never gave.

Perhaps to show Affleck the art of overacting, Christopher Walken and Al Pacino drop by for one scene each. As the New York crime boss, Pacino's appearance is an added tonic because during his tirade (he's Pacino, he has to have a tirade) he lists everything wrong with the plot. The only moments from "Gigli" worth saving are Walken talking about pie and Pacino talking about medical school.

Lopez sells her ill-conceived role as best she can and newcomer Bartha is impressive as the autistic kidnap victim, but looking for something to praise in "Gigli" is like digging for rhinestones in a dung heap. Everything else – from the oppressive profanity to the ending that won't end to Lainie Kazan in a thong – is bad beyond comprehension.