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—— Innocence Sep 05
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—— Jonah From Tonga: Season 1

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89% Outlander: Season 1
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87% The Strain: Season 1
82% Welcome to Sweden: Season 1
77% You're the Worst: Season 1

Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft Reviews

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andrew h.
June 17, 2014
One of the worst films I've ever seen, dull dialogue, wooden cast and the special effects weren't special, waste of money.
May 20, 2014
Worst Movie I've ever seen in my life! and I've been watching movies for 55 years, the acting was horrific, the storyline was dreadful, the 'few' special effects were poor, and the repeat scenes of the school campus were so obvious I actually thought I was watching 'Groundhog day' and I waited 83 minutes for the film to get started, which it never did, in fact to be honest I fast forwarded through most of it so it was probably 40 minutes (no way could i have sat through the whole thing, I'd paid 1 for the DVD from a car boot sale as I thought it was 'the other' Hansel & Gretal film I'd seen advertised, unfortunately it wasn't and now this DVD is in the trash as I would not allow it into my film collection. -5*
January 6, 2014
One line summary: Acting, screenplay, SFX, sound: black holes.

--------------------------------------------

Twins Jonah and Ella go to an elite prep school (Lebkuchen Haus, which is German for gingerbread house; the only reference to the fairy tale) because Jonah is always getting into fights. This is ridiculous enough that it might be a good enough reason to stop watching the film.

Jonah is assigned a room with Charles, who does not get along well with others. Nice. Charles warns Jonah that one either eats or gets eaten at the school. Charles is at the school through scholarship obtained by merit. Jonah is there through influence from his adoptive parents; he was born into a lower social setting. So, Charles has two reasons not to like him.

Ella is assigned a room with Kristen, who works on the school paper. Kristen used Google to find out all sorts of information about Ella. Kristen thinks she has a kick-ass story that will blow the lid off the school.

In Jonah's first class (held outside; sure), Ms Thomas goes on about Golding's hypothesis that humans naturally reject civilisation whenever possible and descend into savagery. Jonah appears not to be listening, but then again, he's a perfect example of the lesson. When asked about what had been said, though, Jonah summarised it in one sentence.

Jonah finds that there are witches at the school, and they invite him to join. They know, somehow, that he has a circular birthmark at the back of his head, just as all of them do. They show him that he can do some unexpected things, and swear him to secrecy.

Charles warned of students going missing; he decides to leave before it happens to him. Kristen goes missing; Ella tries to follow her research. She ends up following Jonah, and asks him what he has been up to; Jonah stays quiet about it. Some of Kristen's research involves the coming of European witches to America, and the attempt of the 'Great Witch of the Woods' to rule in the Americas. Despite the fact that many of the followers were put down in Salem, the GWW is still alive and about 400 years old, and has new followers in the Circle. The job of the Circle is to find young souls for the GWW to feast on. The counter current here is the presence of a few who have witch skills but are tasked with killing evil witches; these people would be 'witch slayers.'

Are the twins witch slayers or servants of the GWW?

-------Scores--------

Cinematography: 5/10 Amateurish. The re-use of some of the campus stock footage was beyond irritating. Some short clips were each repeated at least ten to twelve times.

Sound: 0/10 Fracking hideous. The sound has multiple personalities: (a) pieces of the score sound as if they were made in the 1970s by an out of work composer with a lesser grade synthesizer (b) other pieces are florid, symphonic, and ridiculous for an action film (c) another set of background music is second rate industrial, say late 1990s. Some of the conversations were very badly miked, and sounded noticeably hollow.

Acting: 0/10 The leads were dull non-actors who are a huge anchor around the neck of this drowning film. Booboo, in particular, is so poor that it is painful to watch any scene he is in. His attempts to read a sentence from a book were pathetic. Judy Norton and Eric Roberts were wasted. Roberts' slurred speech in the early scenes sounded as if he was recovering from something, and that hair cut was laughable. What was the director thinking?

Screenplay: 0/10 Why would an ineffective ruffian (Jonah) be placed in an elite prep school? It's like asking a fish to walk 100 miles in a desert at the height of summer. What were the real reasons that he was admitted? Why would his sister go as well? The answers come late, and were not that interesting when they showed up. The dialog was between sub-standard and just plain bad. The great dramatic moment at the end was a complete dud.

SFX: 0/10 Laughable: both uninteresting and not believable. Zero was too high a score.
September 2, 2013
Ladies and gentlemen, here is the movie with a $5.00 budget. All you need is a camera, windows movie-maker,and filming at your uncle's apartment complex, and you have yourself a "movie".
June 16, 2013
TERRIBLE! Do not watch!! This movie is so disturbing and I can guarantee you will hate the movie as it goes on and to top it off the ending is just terrible as well! DO NOT WATCH! It will ruin your night just like it did to me tonight!!
March 9, 2013
Unbelievably Bad! Thought it was the film with J. Rennes in how wrong was I!!!! -5/10
March 8, 2013
Badly written, poorly acted. The director and the actors should be ashamed for aiding the producers in this plot to con money out of viewers.
March 2, 2013
Shame on you!!! The people who allowed 2 hansel and gretels to be released within days of each other!! THIS IS NOT THE SAME MOVIE AS HAS BEEN ADVERTISED ON TV. This is a witch hunter movie rated PG 13...the other, rated R was based on a psychotic killer. This happened with the movie 2012 as well....for shame on those who made money on the deception...you should be ashamed
January 28, 2013
worst movie point blank end of story watch it carefully and you will see so much crap wrong with it, the effects are just down right horrible
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