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I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Reviews

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Super Reviewer

January 6, 2014
Looking through my countless review drafts I notice I've seen too many good movies recently (mostly ones I would award 100% to). In hindsight that doesn't like a problem of any sort, except for as much as I love to write about good movies there's only so many praises I could give out before repeating myself like a heavily cliche film. Thus with a title like "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" do you really need any other reason to see it? No and sadly it's goofy nature is what ends up killing itself in the end.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle loose narrative is about an evil spirit inhabiting a motorcycle for vengeance on the bikers that killed his fellow vampires. First and foremost the opening of the film gives no context for the bikers murdering vampires. Much like the writers of the script things just happened in the film just because they can. Protagonist dreams about getting killed by his own talking feces is one notable example. Nothing about the narrative feels connected as comedy overtakes the horror elements that the film was so eager to mix together. Emphasis on comedy is done poorly as the script demands you give up three things; 1.) continuity in plot , 2.) your brain to oversee it flaws, and 3.) interesting characters. Shutting off your brain is easy, but difficult while viewing the film. Plot points created on the spot contradict earlier scenes logic (like never explaining if a vampire motorcycle runs on blood, oil, or both). Characters are nothing more than archetypes not committing an single word for a variation on the archetype. An annoying girlfriend who does little in the story, a priest who performs an exorcism on a possessed motorcycle and gets crucified (no doubt a secret metaphor that represent the writers desire to be forgiven for their sins for creating such as travesty), the best friend that's murder (don't worry, his best friend doesn't care either), the incompetent cop, and vampires weaknesses. These are some of the elements that are chosen only for the approach to be straightforward comedy. Problem being that a comedic situation is given a horror treatment. Since the characters goofy nature imbalances the horror tone and without a care for death there's no fun when a killer motorcycles goes on screen. Treating it nothing more than a everyday occurrence.

As for the true horror side of the film it's uninspired. Creativity is lacking for a film titled "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" when it comes to its kills. Severely decapitating most of his victims heads is tiresome, although the gore effect are adequate in small numbers. Adding to the tedium are when its victims are given large windows of time to avoid death. Not only are most of the death easily avoidable, but most of his victims aren't important to the plot. One of the best aspect about horror is fearing which character might die. Here it's made abundantly clear which main characters live. Painfully moving at a high velocity for of four miles per hour is a lack of speed. Everything in the film is slow from actors performing physical movements even spoken dialogue is done slowly (especially in delivering its punchline). Don't worry about the bad dialogue as the sound editing is even worse. Music tracks play on way to long, vehicles sound are compress or at times sound like a train, and whenever an actor is talking background noise can drown them out. Everything from the look, the editing, the acting, and the poor writing are scream cheap. Unlike some films were a cheap look can add to the appeal in this case it serves only to further to highlight everything wrong with it. Deciding to do nothing with its premise including having fun with its goofy concept.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle bad comedy overshadows uninspired horror elements. Mixing both of the horror genres negative aspects (logic gap, continuity, desire for heroes deaths) and bad comedy (nothing ever becomes of anything, no characters cares anything, a single trait reused as jokes) that you'll be left without a laugh or scare.
November 2, 2012
As ridiculous as it sounds - manages to be both enjoyable and cringeworthy due to a mix of being actually funny and so bad that it's funny.
Anthony L

Super Reviewer

October 9, 2012
I bought a Vampire Motorcycle is the only low budget British b-movie/horror/comedy/Bikesploitation film I can think of from the early 90s and therefore is my all time favourite low budget 90s British b-movie/horror/comedy/Bikesploitation film of all time. Seriously though, it's good fun and gets even better once Anthony Daniels turns up. Not sure about the talking poo scene though.
February 19, 2012
this was really hard for me to watch just too stupid. I wanted to finish it only to be able to say I watched I bought a vampire motorcycle.
October 29, 2011
This had the potential to be a top-class B movie, with some genuinely funny moments, and a great performance from Neil Morrissey, but its slow pace lets it down a bit. Shortened, you'd be on to a winner. This horror/comedy is not to be taken seriously, but that's what makes it strangely enjoyable. Worth a watch, at least once.
August 21, 2011
This had the potential to be a top-class B movie, with some genuinely funny moments, and a great performance from Neil Morrissey, but its slow pace lets it down a bit. Shortened, you'd be on to a winner. This horror/comedy is not to be taken seriously, but that's what makes it strangely enjoyable. Worth a watch, at least once.

Super Reviewer

July 26, 2009
My God I had forgotten this even existed. For a twelve year old this was fantastic. For a grown man with the mental age of twelve this is just as isnt as bad as you might think and Morrisey plays his part really well.
The M

Super Reviewer

April 12, 2008
I own a Werewolf-toaster
March 30, 2008
The title says it all. A bunch of motorcyclist are performing a ritual of summoning an evil spirit, and during the ritual they get killed by another gang. The spirit they were summoning inhabits one of the motorcycle's, which then gets sold. The new owner has absolutely no idea of what has happened to the motorcycle, he just wonders why the bike won't work during daytime and what that odd, red stuff in the cycle's tank is. At night, the bike goes around the town killing the people who were in the gang who killed it's previous owner, and also some unsuspecting people walking around at night. When the new owner finds out he owns a vampire motorcycle, he's desperate to get rid of the spirit without harming the bike - after all, he paid 1100 pounds for it. Overall, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle is a movie you should not miss if you like not-scary, b-class horror movies that don't take themselves too seriously.
July 9, 2007
I LIKED THIS MOVIE: Why because i had never seen a vampire motorcycle before. The bike goes on a mission of revenge killings....Cool 9.6/10
October 23, 2007
brillent low buget film. its that cheezy its funney
September 5, 2007
i passed out watching it.
August 26, 2007
That sounds like GHOST RIDER!
August 23, 2007
WTF?!?!?! Wow they sure do tend to take the vampire thing a little too far
August 23, 2007
I came across this in one of the Virgin Megastores Christmas sales.. and this is probably the best buys ever.

Listen to this... its a motorcycle... thats a vampire. I know. I know! And it doesn't switch on during the mornings so it just lurks in the darkness of the garage. Only at night it comes alive and feasts on blood. It's so stupid, its bloody genius.
Bloody, geddit? Haha, I'm so great!
July 12, 2007
quite possibly the bestest film in the world!
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