Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Now if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you treat it to a saucer of your delicious milk?
Perrier LaPadite: Probably not.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer's brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
Shosanna Dreyfus: I am going to burn down the cinema on Nazi night. And if I'm going to burn down the cinema, which I am, we both know you're not going to let me do it by myself. Because you love me. And I love you. And you're the only person on this earth I can trust. But that's not all we're going to do. Does the filmmaking equipment in the attic still work? I know the film camera does. How about the sound recorder?
Marcel: Quite well, actually. I recorded a new guitarist I met in a cafe last week. It works superb. Why do we need filmmaking equipment?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Because, Marcel, my sweet, we're going to make a film. Just for the Nazis.
Lt. Aldo Raine: I sure as hell didn't come down from the God Damn Smokey Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of fucking aero plane to teach the Nazi's lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity, they're the foot soldiers of a Jew hating, mass murdering maniac and they need to be destroyed.
We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are, and they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands and our boot heels and the edge of our knives and the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us, and when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Up the road apiece, there's a orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol fuckin' here somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper's delight. Now if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kinda artillery they're carrying with 'em.
Sgt. Rachtman: You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me. And you need to tell me right now. Now take your finger and point out on this map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.
Sgt. Rachtman: I respectfully refuse sir. [later in the scene he get his head bashed in with a basball bat]
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: I'm going to switch back to French now and I want you to follow my masquerade. Is that clear?
Perrier LaPadite: [Bitterly] Yes.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: [In French] Monsieur LaPadite... I thank you for the milk... and your hospitality. I do believe our business here is done. [To soldiers] Ah, ladies! I thank you for your time. [Points out areas to soldiers] We shan't be bothering your family any longer. So, Monsieur... mademoiselles... I bid farewell to you and say... adieu! [Soldiers shoot into floorboards]
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: [Between puffs] Now... my job... dictates... that I must have my men enter your home... and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list. And if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be. That is, unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. I might add also that any information that makes a performance of my duty easier will not be met with punishment. Actually quite the contrary, it will be met with reward. And that reward will be your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military during the rest of our occupation of your country. [Pause] You are sheltering enemies of the state, are you not?
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar - he looks everywhere he would hide. But there are so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Fuhrer's brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity. [Pause] May I smoke my pipe as well?
Perrier LaPadite: Please, Herr Colonel, make yourself at home.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Yet they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail they even rather look alike, don't they?
Perrier LaPadite: It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Ah! However interesting as the thought may be it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?
Perrier LaPadite: Probably not.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them; all you know is you find them repulsive.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel toward them?
Perrier LaPadite: Rats spread disease. They bite people.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you any disease a rat could spread a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?
Perrier LaPadite: Oui.
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?
Col. Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa: Now if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you treat it to a saucer of your delicious milk?
Major Hellstrom: I must say I grow weary of these monkeyshines. [cocks pistol] Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?
Major Hellstrom: Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Well Major, that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: [points a gun Hellstrom's crotch] That makes three of us. And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller.
Major Hellstrom: Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.
Lt. Archie Hicox: What's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us.
Major Hellstrom: No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid you and I, we both know, Captain, no matter what happens to anybody else in this room, the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.
Lt. Archie Hicox: [in English] Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's.
Lt. Archie Hicox: [picks up his glass of scotch] There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily...
[drinks his scotch] I must say, damn good stuff, Sir.
[sets his glass down and smokes his cigarette] Now, about this pickle... we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only thing left for you to do.
Major Hellstrom: And what would that be?
Lt. Archie Hicox: Stiglitz.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Say 'auf Wiedersehen' to your Nazi balls. [Stiglitz fires his gun into Hellstrom's crotch]
A quote can be a single line from one character or a memorable dialog between several characters. Please make your quotes accurate. Quotes will be submitted for approval by the RT staff.
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Luke: Alright. I'll give it a try. Yoda: No. Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.
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