Killer Condom: The Rubber That Rubs You Out (1996)
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It was a Crack idea, but in a twisted kind of way a funny movie.
Kondom des Grauens (Killer Condom) is a unique and funny movie.In a modern world where movies are just copies of past hits, it's great to see something original.Killer Condom shows people that safe sex can still be dangerous!
Usually with a title like "Killer Condom" the general census would be to skip it. Not for me while I do like watching good films I like a departure on things every once in awhile. I had originally was going open this review in a more comedic style. I wrote down a joke about virginity, but I lost it. Oh well.
So Killer Condom begins with a vice principal taking one of his student with him to hotel "Quicky" and makes her have sex with him if she wants to graduate. The vice principal then presume to take out a "contraceptive dispenser" and then it gets eaten off. Then it cuts to a police station where first see our hero Detective Luigi Mackaroni del Cheese. It's here in the police station we learn that a pimp put his mother in a clothe dryer and then threw her out a window. What relevance does this have on the story, nothing. So long story short Mackaroni is assigned a case and begin to investigate an incident where five guys (according to the movie) "pricks" were eaten off. The weird part is despite this incident people still go to hotel "Quicky". It's here where we learn Mackaroni is gay. That's right we have an unconventional gay protagonist in a horror film. Also some homoeroticism while nothing too explicit there is some nudity, though nothing from the front.
So Mackaroni begins to "investigate" a man in his room and we find out a needless detail about his 32 centimeter...you know. This is where Mackaroni then first encounters a killer condom that bites one of his balls off completely. Mackaroni soon becomes the laughing stock of his police force as no one believes him there's condoms on the loose. He begins his quest to get rid of these killer condom no matter how hard it'll be. This might come as shock, but this trashy horror film actually does develop its main characters. A bit unexpected for a horror movie since characters are just chow for the killer and don't go beyond their stereotypes. One day, when Mackaroni is on stakeout to find evidence to prove to everyone there is killer condoms. He gets a hunch of a suspicious looking condom interrupting a couple and presume to shoot the condom in slow motion. He soon discover he shot a regular condom. Moments later he finds a real killer condom slivering off with someone "prick".
Makoroni unable to cope with the lost of a condom goes home to take shower where he kills a condom by blowing it up with gas. The next scene is weird for it actually explains things on the creature. According to the scientist it's "Made of human epithelial cells underlaid with peritrophic membranes". Which is a needlessly complicated way of simply saying it protects against pathogen and can improve digestion track. We soon find out these creatures are man made. Apparently a cross between a giant worm, a jellyfish and a piranha. Oddly enough this is not the weirdest thing in the movie. The scene after serves little purpose as Markoroni gets serious with his "investigation" in a elevator causing it to break. Somehow it get politics involved as the president's monument is eaten off. There a couple more scene, something about Larry King being involved, but nothing too important to the main plot.
The investigation soon leads to a church where we find out it has a secret underground lair. There Makoroni finds the scientist making these killer condoms because the church give him red jello. So why would a church kidnap a scientist to make an army of killer condoms? So they could do away with all the bad people of the world. Which is not that bad of an idea. I mean who seriously would believe anyone who said "It was the killer condoms". Sure it's flawed in the fact the villain could kill innocent people she wasn't aiming towards, but not half bad of an idea. Though more bizarre is a movie about killer condom would have a sermon about accepting everyone for who they are. Wait...I saw a horror movie about killer condoms and it has a good message unlike a majority of the films in the genre. Now that is odd.
Killer Condom: The Rubber That Rubs You Out was clearly never meant to be a masterpiece let alone a great film based on its premise. It is self aware and in the joke never taking itself too seriously. It has limited appeal in the form it has low brow humor (kinda like my review), the homoeroticism might turn off some, and cheesy romantic moments. This is best watched with group of friends if you want something to make fun off or a plain cheesy movie for a good laugh or too.
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