Knocked Up Quotes

The top Knocked Up quotes selected by the Rotten Tomatoes community. Login to submit a quote!

• 1. Pete: Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.
  – Submitted by Zeldagne L (2 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Sadie: I Googled murder.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Debbie: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh that's "cu... Oh that's gross!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Martin: Do you ever get so bored, you just stare at your balls?
  2. Jonah: I bet you do, late John Lennon.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Sadie: They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Ben's a prick.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
  2. Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Doctor: Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben's Dad: If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben's Dad: [to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderama.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
  2. Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
  3. Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
  2. Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
  3. Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Alison Scott: Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?
  2. Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
  2. Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynaecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: That's because Steely Dan gargles my balls.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Debbie: She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Debbie: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis?
  2. Pete: I think it's Matisyahu.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
  2. Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
  3. Ben's Dad: Yes.
  4. Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jay: Because your face looks like a vagina.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Alison Scott: I was drunk!
  2. Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jonah: I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Pete: Never do what they did.
  2. Charlotte: I'm gonna do it...
  3. Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Ben Stone: [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...
  – Submitted by Kelly E (3 months ago)
• 1. Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.
  – Submitted by Norma-Jean H (11 months ago)
• 1. Himself: Pregnant... with emotion?
  – Submitted by Norma-Jean H (11 months ago)
• 1. Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.
  – Submitted by Norma-Jean H (11 months ago)
• 1. Pete: How could Debbie like me? She likes me, she *loves* me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem and I can't even accept that. Like, that upsets me?
  – Submitted by Letitia L (14 months ago)
• 1. Bouncer: It's not cuz you not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would TEAR THAT ASS UP. I can't let you in cuz you old as f--k. For this club. Not, you know, for the earth. You old, she pregnant, can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches runnin' around, that's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, 5%. That mean if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
  – Submitted by Letitia L (14 months ago)
• 1. Himself: Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.
  – Submitted by Eric G (15 months ago)
• 1. Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
  – Submitted by Horace W (20 months ago)
• 1. Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.
  2. Pete: Who needs a time machine?
  – Submitted by Nastassia J (22 months ago)
• 1. Jason: She looks really, smart.
  2. Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother, Gabe Ruth
  – Submitted by Mounzer B (24 months ago)
• 1. Sadie: (on where babies come from) Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
  – Submitted by Virginia K (2 years ago)
• 1. Debbie: (to Allison) Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
  – Submitted by Virginia K (2 years ago)
• 1. Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
  – Submitted by Virginia K (2 years ago)
• 1. Alison Scott: (to Debbie) What do you think? He's funny, right?
  2. Ben Stone: (to kids) Fetch!
  3. Debbie: He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
  – Submitted by Virginia K (2 years ago)
• 1. Martin: Fuck me in the beard.
  – Submitted by rob g (2 years ago)
• 1. Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!
  – Submitted by rob g (2 years ago)