Kull the Conqueror (1997)
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This moronic, sanitised version of Conan author Robert E. Howard's pulp fiction superhero of the 1930s is stupidity and fun, also features an irritating heavy-metal rock score. Kevin Sorbo as the sword-wielding hero Kull is pretty much; not as muscled as Howard's other barbarian hero, Conan.
The ever-delectable Tia Carrere plays the red witch who plans to take over the world, and she is absolutely delicious as a supernatural villainess. The fights are clumsily staged, the sets are from hunger, but the dialog is a lot of fun and everyone would appear to be having a good time.
'Kull reigns. Kull rules. Kull rocks.'
Kull sucks. Kull can't act. Kull prances around like a magnificent poof, is a lot more fitting. This can be summed up in one word, fubar, actually, this may sully the good name of fubar. Read the tagline alone and you know you're in trouble, look at it! Why do the head honchos even contemplate allowing films like this, and i use that term loosely, to be put into production. We must ask ourselves, whyyy?!? Although, if you watch this blootered you may just have a crackin' good time.
Kull is not a Conan sequel, was intended to be, but ultimately isn't, so let us stop thinking this. That being said, this makes Conan and films like Red Sonja look like masterpieces, believe me when i tell you, 5 minutes in you will be praying for Brigitte Nielsen in her skimpy little number. Kull is a doppelganger of Hercules, Sorbo is typecast, just look at him even now in the atrocious 'Meet the Spartans', don't fight it man, don't fight it. But, lets face it, his acting skills won't be gaining him access to the Oscars any time soon. This is no exception, the acting is barely par, I would even go further and say it's below, you don't care about the characters...ever, i'm sorry Tia but you were wasted, I didn't buy your evilness and your hair distracted me. The film and everyone/thing in it is just one big fat anachronism, yes, even more than Hercules, which i admit was casual entertainment when i was 7, we're way back in God knows what year BC and he's speaking with a modern day American accent, which coincidentally is the same voice he uses in every role, monotonous much? Every time a character opens their mouths the film dooms itself, every line is a cliché, pure cheddar, and not in a good way. I've seen people commenting on how Sorbo has 'great comedic timing' and it 'doesn't take itself too seriously', this humour is devoid of intention!! You feel bad for laughing, it's few funny attempts fail, the serious moments are hilarious and at times cringe worthy, that ain't good.
There are comments on how great the special effects are, seriously? were we watching the same thing, they're an improvement on the Hercules show i'll give you that but still certainly nothing to joygasm over. Also, the choreographed fight scenes are clumsy and unsatisfying, he manages to ponce around 'beating up' the bad guys without spilling one drop of blood and occasionally headbanging to the soundtrack, he is a talented fellow that Kull. Oh I have to get this in too, he is a barbarian...that is courteous towards women LOL no! Finally we come to the music, which by the way is hysterical, who I ask you, who sets a cheese fest fantasy/sorcery movie to a heavy metal soundtrack, i'll tell ya, someone who's lost their bloody marbles that's who. It's like going to see Sabbath or Slayer or whatever and been treated to the calming sounds of the ocean relaxation tape, oh lord.
If you have made it this far and are actually wondering, hey, what's the story about, I'll do my best to describe it to you. Ok, here it goes, evil sorceress lady wants to take over the world, Kull stops her. Original? Nothing new, tried tested done to death, fail!! I don't think even avid sword and sorcery fans will find this appealing and I'm sure a few blame this and films of it's kind for the destruction of the genre, all i can say is, God bless Lord of the Rings, Amen.
My original intention wasn't to slate this into the next millennium, but it was out there and just begging for it. Giving it half a star as it made me chuckle.
Worst movie. Don't expect anything too spectactular. The heavy metal score for this is atrocious. The plot is retarded. Just the ending is so hilarious.
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