Murdercycle (1998)

I've come to expect the worst from movies with really good titles. Usually it means they're compensating for how bad the content is. Sometimes the movie itself is so bad that the only way it can draw you in is with an outlandish yet exciting title like Surf Nazis Must Die. I'm happy to report that Murdercycle is a very appropriate title that doesn't disappoint. Honestly I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll just give you a run down of the simple yet effective plot. A meteor falls from the sky over a secret military installation. A nearby dirt bike dude rides over to the fallen meteorite which attacks him and turns him into the Murdercycle! It's one of the best 4 minute introductions I've ever seen. From there the Murdercycle, well, murders people. It starts with the CIA operative who WAS protecting the secret base but it soon attacks more people when a team of rejects is sent in to investigate. Cut off from the outside world they must neutralize the Murdercycle on their own. The only problem is that none of their weapons work, it's like trying to kill Robocop with an airsoft gun. The Murdercycle however has freak'n lasers and mini energy bombs he can shoot. So you tell me who wins. THE MURDERCYCLE! Add a telepath, a greenhorn marine, a washed up Marine Sergent, and a CIA operative called Wood into the mix and you've got yourself a B movie to remember.For some reason the Murdercycle helmet produces a pixelated red filter effect which is like every other creature movie you've ever seen. Normally this sort of contrivance is annoying but for some reason it's funny in Murdercycle. Mainly because if that was actually what you were seeing you would pretty much have no chance to ride the bike much less kill anyone.The telepath steals the show in my opinion. Every time the Sergent needs to know something he just looks over at her and she tries to mind rape the info out of the person's head. Speaking of mind rape there actually is a scene where someone fights back and tries to rape her in her mind! It's our tax dollars in action.I don't know why but in the little observation shack that sits on top of the secret military base there is, what I like to refer to as, an "Oh Shit! Calamity Box." You know, the thing that has everything you need just when you need it. Man it's a good thing that box was there or else you'd be screwed! It's so deliberately placed that you can't help but laugh.OH I definitely have to tell you about this. So there is this scene where one of the Marines is on a second floor balcony with his automatic rifle pointed at the street waiting for the Murdercycle to show up. The Sergent dude asks him to fire so what does he do? HE ASKS THE TELEPATH CHICK TO REACH INTO HIS PACK AND PULL OUT SOME AMMO! WTF dude? You're telling me that you're just sitting in position with an empty clip and it never occurred to you to reload? That's bad enough but you ask a civilian to reach into your pack and get the ammo for you? Why not have it easily accessible? THIS IS COMBAT! What a tard.The end of this movie goes a bit overboard both in terms of the progression of the story and the not so special effects. So in the last 2 minutes of the movie the Murdercycle starts talking? Where was that this whole time? Also, when you're watching these people run around in the underground base you can't help but question how the government was able to build it directly under wetlands, a pond, and other low lying areas! By the end of the movie I had come up with about 25 ways the Murdercycle could've accomplished his mission without dying but I guess being a possessed alien dirt bike killing machine dumbs down the reasoning abilities of your brain. What was the easiest way? Use a crowbar on the door to the underground base, break the glass that the orb thingy sits it, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.Here are some of my favorite quotes from Murdercycle.Marine - "2nd psych?"Telepath - "Telepathic and psionic research." (her description for what 2nd psych is)Marine - "Yeeesh, mind reader."Sergent - "Three words. C I A" (uh those are letters sir)The Dr.'s description of the Murdercylce's thoughts. Telepath - "This is wild. It's ... I can't make sense of it. It's like I'm hearing a foreign language but backwards. But there's some English in it. Like ... two voices in one head."Sergent - "Mouth shut eyes open. Frazetta, North East corner. Buscema, South West edge. Tell me what you hear."Telepath - "I'm not sure. It's like a chattering static."Sergent - "Can you give us a direction?"Telepath - "No ... KIRBY!" (the Murdercycle attacks)Later on she goes into more detail when describing the experience to Wood.Telepath - "I heard something I've never heard before."Wood - "Why don't you just tell us what you heard?"Telepath - "Something loud. Like two voices ... running together. One human ... one ... I dunno."Buscema - "Shit. Biker from hell."Ditko - "You know. This area used to be a good place to live before those E.T. mothers came in and burned every living soul. They really messed up this place somethin' fierce. I got this (shows a scar) trying to save my grand daddy but I wasn't able to. At first I thought it was some military operation you know trying to protect their little secret base. But now I know. It was a full on close encounter of the totally ... lethal kind."Wood - "Kirby we got work to do are you going to listen to this head case?Sergent - "Quiet a second. Secret base? You mean agent Coletta's shack?"Ditko - "No sir I ... Agent Coletta? CIA, now it all makes sense I shoulda known."Sergent - "What secret base?"Ditko - "My dad and me we saw them in the middle of the night. 23 trucks full of cement. The fences were already up by then I just figured it was some top secret eeebbbyyy geebbbyyy operation."Wood - "Alright that's it, Kirby place this man under arrest."Sergent - "Mr. Wood, if anybody's gonna be placed under arrest it's you."Ditko - Yah you spook! Mr. Secret Agent Man! With your FREAK'N CIA ISSUE SHOES!"They find a meteor.Sergent - "A meteor?"Ditko - "Hell no man. This is ground zero for the invasion. Who do you think is rid'n that chopper? It ain't Peter freak'n Fonda this is Mr. Saturn come to kick us in our ass! Don't you know anything?"What did I learn from watching Murdercycle?1. Murdercycles growl.2. If you have a huge secret to protect don't leave it up to one guy, a broken down shack, a surveillance system, and a delivery truck.3. Space meteors can turn you and your dirt bike into seriously effective killing machines.4. In the distant future of 1997 there were telepaths.5. The helmet of the Murdercycle provides some of the worst vision imaginable. 6. The Murdercycle can disappear at will.7. When you're in combat press the X button and LOAD YOUR WEAPON!8. Don't put a cheap cellar door on the most important secret base on existence.9. Space meteors hold the key to unlimited knowledge about the universe.10. If you're telepathic, be careful who you's mind you read. You're liable to get mind raped.11. Don't use spoked wagon wheels for cover.Should you watch this movie? Definitely!