Phantom of the Mall (1989)
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Critic Reviews for Phantom of the Mall
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Audience Reviews for Phantom of the Mall
This is the kind of movie that will kick you right in the Rob Estes. I say that because it contains far more than a lethal does of Pauly Shore nudity. Bound within the confines of this film are the cast aside script ideas of half a dozen other writers. With their powers combined they form ... THE MOST MEDIOCRE HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE.
So if your brain is still making you read this then you must have a much higher tolerance for Pauly Shore nudity than I do. I've seen this movie twice now. Do you feel sorry for me yet? Well, I guess I should tell you something about it. Do I have to?
Picture Phantom of the Opera. Then make it stupid. Then add Pauly Shore as an ice cream vendor in a mall. WHERE ARE PAULY SHORE'S PANTS? Then add about 10 minutes of worthless fight scenes. Sprinkle in a few explosions and you've got Phantom of the Mall: Eric's revenge. An instant classic right? Nein, meine freunde, nein! I'd be more quick to classify it as an instant ... doorstep. A meaningless thing upon which your dirty feet trod for the rest of eternity. I wish.
What did I learn from this movie?
1. You can get electrocuted just by touching the outside of a wall mounted power panel.
2. Your eye's somehow dislodge themselves from their happy socket homes when introduced to an intense electric shock.
3. People who dwell inside of shopping mall ventilation systems have KICK ASS AV setups.
4. Watch out for snakes in public bathrooms.
5. A camera flash is plenty of time to enter a vehicle and move over one seat. How long is that in milliseconds exactly?
6. Punching TVs hurts like a sonofabitch.
7. Opening a mall is a black tie event.
8. The mayor always goes down with the mall.
Hard to find, it's an out of print edition. Now it's finally resold and cheap! It's as good as I remembered it to be. Eric had supposedly died in the fire lit by the Mall's greedy founder and Eric's girlfriend was spared by being let out Eric's window. Fallen to ground, she has temporary amnesia. At the mall, she is beiong watched by silent and hidden Eric, burnt beyond recognition and anyone who messes with her is met with an unfriendly Eric and killed. I'm not gonna spoil it, see for yourself.
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