Them" Good special effects and story. I wish critics would rate films up against other films in their category instead of putting them up against "Forrest Gump" or "The Godfather" I really loved this entertaining film!
So we start with a pretty decent CG intro of the Russian space station, we see some spiders inside the station and suddenly some asteroids hit the space station sending all sorts of pieces to earth....one happens to land on a movie set that looks like New York city in a subway station to be more precise, and wouldn't you know....Jason Cole...our hero...happens to be a transit supervisor....I am fearing Tommy Lee Jones in Volcano all over again. So Jason sends Jimmy our first victim to investigate what happened, Jimmy gets bitten by a spider that somehow survived re-entry and kills Jimmy...who later we find out now has spider eggs inside of him.
The spider now proceeds to attack rats and starts to multiply as these rats have eggs inside them and now we have a gremlins situation.
Jason our hero is divorcing Rachel, a woman with so much Botox on her face she looks like she had a face implant..and they have a kid that will serve no other purpose other than a plot point to keep these two people together for most of the movie.
blah blah blah blah Russian scientist ( I think ) shows up looking - and has a massive knowledge of these spiders...oohhh the US Army is plotting with this scientist......the spiders were injected with some sort of alien serum they discovered and the spiders were the only species that could handle it...and they want the spider queen because her web can create super bullet proof whatever and whoever controls that has a massive edge on war and the plot now has gone full on B-movie mode.
So the queen is born and she is out for a night on the town New York style, we learn that bullets can't hurt her, rockets from a helicopter can't hurt her, and a direct blast from a tank just barely pushes her back, we have SPIDERZILLA !!!! I gotta admit the scenes with the queen were pretty entertaining and seeing an army of spiders dispatch people had me smiling a bit.
Our Hero Jason of course has to rescue her daughter who is being chased by the queen and him being a transit supervisor....he uses a subway train to push the spider queen into a pipe line and burn her and every single spider out there.
But a small spider survives !!!! sequel...SEQUEL !!!!! whooo whoooo !!!! lol.
This one is not to be taken seriously, the humor comes from your participation making fun of this movie...I don't know if everyone is taking the material seriously as there are no funny moments in the movie, but that allows for countless opportunities to do riffing on this thing, great to watch at a party with a bunch of intoxicated friends.
What possessed me? What could have possibly entered my head to make me say "hey, this movie was directed by Tibor Takács, who hasn't made a watchable movie since 1987, and here we are twenty-five years later, so the obvious thing I should be doing right now is pressing play!"? I can't answer that question, but I can confidently report to you now that Spiders, Takács' latest piece of celluloid garbage, as just as accomplished as such timeless Takács classics as Mansquito (I actually own that one!), Ice Spiders, Mega Snake, and Meteor Storm.
Plot: the Soviets have been developing something on a space station, which meets disaster thanks to a stray meteoroid. (This scene looks remarkably like the space station being destroyed in the trailer for the upcoming Sandra Bullock film Gravity, to the point where I wondered if both used the same stock footage.) A piece of it crash lands in the New York City subway system, and the NY politicos send Jason (Starship Troopers' Patrick Muldoon, whose career has unfortunately not gotten any better since 1999), a middle-management subway muckety-muck, to investigate. He finds big holes and, more alarmingly, a few dead homeless folks who don't look like they got hit with debris. He digs some eggs out of one and takes them home to his wife Rachel (Drive Angry's Christa Campbell), who conveniently happens to be a scientist. Problem is, The former-Soviet geneticist who was in charge of the project before the Union was dissolved (Blade II's Pete Lee-Wilson) and his army handler (Aliens' William Hope) want those eggs...and they will stop at nothing, including kidnapping Jason and Rachel's daughter Emily (The Ward's Sydney Sweeney) and her hot babysitter (Conan the Barbarian's Shelly Varod) to get them.
If you've seen any two random Tibor Takács movies since The Gate, you know exactly what to expect here. (If you haven't, more power to ya.) Braindead script, shoddy camerawork, overdramatic soundtrack, you name it. Even those rare times when Takács manages to come up with crack cast members (the nadir of Ron Perlman's career was acting in Takács' Rats in 2002), he manages to pull the worst performances you've ever seen out of them, so with a cast like this, you know you're going to get glimpses of cheeseball glory. Problem is, even the glory is missing from this one, it's just dreary. Dumb, predictable, not even worth watching for the terrible special effects. Give it a miss. 1/2
"...offers an experience that's just exceptionally beyond worst. This was never a movie. It's boredom itself."
The acting wasn't the best either. Sydney Sweeney played what was probably the least emotional 12 year old I have ever seen. Her voice was monotonous, having no difference between when she was happy, sad, or afraid. The military personnel also don't behave much like military personnel, particularly the one telling the main characters it's time to evacuate the city. The didn't sound like they had any authority in their voices and weren't confident in their delivery. And of course there is the scene with everyone running out of the subway "screaming" while there are a bunch of rats running around. Those were some pretty half-hearted "ahs" and didn't make anyone believe they were afraid.
There were also things that just didn't make sense. Granted that some of these could just be personal preference, these are things that I think could have improved the movie if they had been done differently. I feel like the only reason for the Russian satellite to be involved was to give a reason for the spiders to be in New York. That's totally acceptable. But why were the spiders sent to space in the first place? If it had been purely aliens instead of a government project then we wouldn't need more justification, but with the military being involved we need a little more reason behind it. When Patrick Muldoon sees his daughter in the window and a man comes from behind to pull her away from the window I felt that could have been done without. I understand they were going for a panic factor, but the military personnel just didn't want her to leave. I also think it was unnecessary in whole for Muldoon's character's immediate instinct to be to distrust the military without much of a reason to run. The military also had questionable actions--what was the point of doing whatever it was they did to the other NYT worker on the street before getting in the SUV and why did they disguise themselves to rob Muldoon's wife instead of just approaching her and asking for the eggs as part of the government? It was completely unneccessary and didn't make a whole lot of sense, along with why they killed the people in that building. There were a lot of things that could have made more sense if they had just explained them more, but they didn't take much time doing that. I also didn't like how easily Muldoon was able to cut through the queen's web. It was explained that it was bullet proof, and while I know knives are capable of cutting through things that are bullet proof, I think he it should have taken him a bit longer to do it, especially because his knife most likely wasn't the best quality. And of course, there is the matter of the spiders. I enjoyed the spiders, but there were too many times when Muldoon and his family would get away from them. Spiders are fast, and there was no good reason for them to not catch up to the characters. They took a few steps and then roared or hissed or whatever before moving on, but they only did that with Muldoon's family and not the military. And if the spiders could break down the metal door in the subway when Muldoon and his wife first find the spiders, I'm pretty sure moving boxes and crates to block the spider from getting in the window wouldn't be much help. I understand that they wanted the main characters to live, but they could have had a better variety of escapes other than the roar and hiss and finding someone else to kill. And the queen? I get why they had Muldoon be the one to kill her, because he's the main character and all, but the military was hitting her with all sorts of guns, grenade launchers, and even tanks. Not only did those not effect her, they didn't do anything to her. And when the subway train hit her, it shouldn't have exploded. Crashed and created shrapnel? Sure, but exploded? Those things run on electricity, not gas, and while I could be wrong about this, I'm pretty sure it would just be a big crash instead of a big boom.
All in all, I think the movie had potential, but they tried to do too much with it, had poor justification, and poor acting, causing it to fall short in every area except the monster attack.
They called spiders INSECTS for god's sake. That's 1st grade animal science BS right there. Everything was just so... Bad. I think I might slip into a depressed coma because of watching it. May God have mercy on your souls.