Ted Quotes

The top Ted quotes selected by the Rotten Tomatoes community. Login to submit a quote!

• 1. Frank: So, you think you've got what it takes?
  2. Ted: I'll tell you what I've got, your wife's pussy on my breath.
  3. Frank: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
  4. Ted: That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
  5. Frank: You're hired.
  6. Ted: Shit.
  – Submitted by Matthew D (7 days ago)
• 1. John's Dad: Jesus H. Fuck!
  – Submitted by Matthew D (13 days ago)
• 1. Ted: Oh, that was my bad, I was pulling a tweet.
  – Submitted by Matthew D (29 days ago)
• 1. Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.
  – Submitted by Matthew D (31 days ago)
• 1. Ted: Back off, Susan Boyle!
  – Submitted by Ah-lick L (38 days ago)
• 1. Ted: I look stupid.
  2. John Bennett: No you don't, you look dapper.
  3. Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
  – Submitted by Ah-lick L (38 days ago)
• 1. Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip after I sold to a family with four little children
  – Submitted by Rodrigo B (2 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock I would chew it of to get you free. Is that cannibalism?
  2. Lori: Only if you swallow.
  – Submitted by Pedro F (3 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!
  – Submitted by Destani L (4 months ago)
• 1. Narrator: Nothing is as powerful as a young boy's wish, except for an apache helicopter.
  – Submitted by Andrew C (4 months ago)
• 1. John's Dad: Helen, get my gun!
  2. Young John: Dad! No!
  3. John Bennett: Is it a hugging gun?
  – Submitted by Andrew G (4 months ago)
• 1. Thomas: That's me and Skeritt
  2. John Bennett: Wow
  3. Thomas: Goddamn right wow.
  – Submitted by Christopher W (4 months ago)
• 1. Thomas: That's me and Skeritt.
  – Submitted by Christopher W (4 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
  – Submitted by Christopher W (4 months ago)
• 1. Donny: Are you out here all alone?
  2. Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
  – Submitted by Jillian L (4 months ago)
• 1. Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
  – Submitted by Jillian L (4 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
  2. John Bennett: Fucking right.
  3. Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
  4. John Bennett: Alright.
  5. John Bennett: Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / 'Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / Cause you're just God's farts!' [blow raspberries]
  – Submitted by Jillian L (4 months ago)
• 1. Donny: [to Ted] I'll give you love, rocking horses and dancing.
  – Submitted by xniquet L (5 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Ted brought happiness into everybody's lives in one was or another.
  – Submitted by james s (5 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Lets get stoned.
  2. John Bennett: You get the job and we can smoke this afterwards.
  3. John Bennett: Your my best friend Ted cause I don't have any, because I didn't have any in school and was picked on an bullied pretty much everyday.
  – Submitted by james s (5 months ago)
• 1. Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
  2. John Bennett: It doesn't sound very mellow.
  3. Ted: Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!
  – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (5 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs]
  – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (5 months ago)
• 1. Ted: White trash name. Guess.
  – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (5 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
  2. Ted: Hahaha!
  3. John Bennett: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
  4. Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
  – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (5 months ago)
• 1. Lori Collins: [Looks down on floor] What is that?
  2. Ted: Wha- what is what?
  3. Lori Collins: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
  4. Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
  – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (5 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
  – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (5 months ago)
• 1. Robert: Should I have wash my hands before playing?
  2. Ted: Wha...? No... Yes... Weird, fucking question, just start countin a'ight.
  – Submitted by Mateusz A (6 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life!
  – Submitted by WillKai K (7 months ago)
• 1. Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
  – Submitted by Lucas M (8 months ago)
• 1. Ted: [to Tami-Lynn] You have a baby? Is it alive?
  – Submitted by Lucas M (8 months ago)
• 1. Lori Collins: Can I give you a ride home?
  2. John Bennett: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
  – Submitted by Lucas M (8 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Kareem! [throws bottle and misses]
  2. Ted: You suck Kareem!
  – Submitted by David E (9 months ago)
• 1. Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
  2. Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Shit.
  – Submitted by Anthony A (9 months ago)
• 1. Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
  2. Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
  3. John Bennett: You're hired.
  4. Ted: Shit.
  – Submitted by Directors C (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
  – Submitted by Scott M (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Don't worry I feel fine to drive.
  – Submitted by ernest e (9 months ago)
• 1. Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
  – Submitted by Adam K (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Why are you crying?
  2. John Bennett: My dick got squished by the tv.
  – Submitted by Chris H (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: The company's turning 20, so you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.
  – Submitted by Nicholas R (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Why are you crying?
  2. John Bennett: My junk got squished by the TV!
  – Submitted by Nicholas R (9 months ago)
• 1. Ted: [to Tami-Lynn about his stalker] That's Sinead O'Connor. She don't look good no more.
  – Submitted by Palmer R (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: Sometimes I look back at that Christmas day when I wished for you, and I think that I should have gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!
  2. Ted: Say that one more time.
  3. John Bennett: Teddy. Ruxpin!
  – Submitted by Palmer R (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I wanna do something to her called a 'Dirty Fozzie'.
  – Submitted by Palmer R (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: He's still a better singer than Katy Perry.
  – Submitted by Palmer R (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I'd tongue punch her fart box.
  – Submitted by Jeremy L (10 months ago)
• 1. Narrator: Robert hired a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
  – Submitted by Gavriel G (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
  – Submitted by Gavriel G (10 months ago)
• 1. Tami-Lynn: He's actually pretty good at sex, even though he doesn't have a penis.
  2. Ted: Yeah, I've written a lot of letters to Hasbro about that.
  – Submitted by Gavriel G (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Where's my ring, motherfucker?
  – Submitted by William S (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Come here ya bastard!
  – Submitted by William S (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I bet you treat your wife like a vacuum cleaner. She both sucks and blows. And when you are done with her, you throw her back into the closet.
  – Submitted by Lee G (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: That was my bad! I was sending a tweet.
  – Submitted by Ben R (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I fucked her with a Parsnip..then sold it to a family with four small children.
  – Submitted by AlexZander M (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Bring it in, ya bastard.
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a what?
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Young Ted's Voice: [from trailer] You're my best friend, John!
  2. Young John: [smiles and hugs Ted]
  3. Young Ted's Voice: [voicebox] I love you!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Yea, why dont you finish that story in an email and send it to me.
  – Submitted by Jerry W (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Oh hey listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
  2. John Bennett: What is this?
  3. Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
  4. John Bennett: It doesn't sound very mellow.
  5. Ted: Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!
  – Submitted by nick m (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
  2. John Bennett: Oh, and you can?
  3. Ted: I dont have to, Im a fucking teddy bear.
  – Submitted by nick m (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I can hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious.
  – Submitted by Kris P (10 months ago)
• 1. Narrator: Nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish... except an apache helicopter... those things have machine guns and missles.
  – Submitted by Matthew R (10 months ago)
• 1. Lori Collins: Who are these girls?!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
  2. Ted: [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Narrator: But eventually, everyone grows up.
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I'm sorry! I love you!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Okay. All right. So that's where we'll draw the line.
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: What do you want?!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
  2. John Bennett: Fuckin' right!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I'm sorry, I love you.
  2. John Bennett: I love you too.
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: [from trailer] I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
  2. Ted: Say that one more time.
  3. John Bennett: TEDDY, RUXPIN!
  4. Ted: Aaaaahhh! [lunges at John and starts to fight him]
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: Sometimes when I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Young Ted's Voice: Merry Christmas, everybody!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Young Ted's Voice: You're my best friend, John!
  – Submitted by Anthony A (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I look like snuggles accountant.
  – Submitted by Kem H (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: It's alright. If I get raped it's my fault for what I'm wearing.
  – Submitted by Tim U (10 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: From one gentleman to another, I hope you get sick and die of fuckin Lou Gehrig's disease.
  – Submitted by Craig J (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Who took a shit on the floor? We were playing truth or dare...She's got balls!
  – Submitted by John C (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Thanks for creepin' up my night.
  – Submitted by Madison B (10 months ago)
• 1. Frank: You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?
  2. Ted: I did her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four.
  3. Frank: You have guts, and I like guts. You're promoted!
  4. Ted: Do you have a problem or something?
  – Submitted by Andrew D (10 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Life ain't nothin' but bitches and honey.
  – Submitted by Zayda I (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I swear to god her name is Sauvignon Blanc. Go on and show her your Chevron card.
  – Submitted by Murray C (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Sorry I was sending a tweet.
  – Submitted by Logan F (11 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
  2. Ted: No.
  3. John Bennett: Did any of those names have a Lynne after it?
  4. Ted: Yup.
  5. John Bennett: Heather Lynn, Brandy Lynn...
  6. Ted: Tammy Lynn.
  7. John Bennett: FUCK!
  – Submitted by Kenny L (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: You people look like the wooden hobby horse with fake hair toys kind of people. Yep, I was right creepy hobby horse with fake hair there it is!
  – Submitted by Tommy H (11 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
  2. Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
  – Submitted by Andrew L (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.
  2. John Bennett: No, you don't, you look dapper.
  3. Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
  – Submitted by Lucas M (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
  – Submitted by DeAndre W (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I look like Snuggles the accountant.
  – Submitted by Matt M (11 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: Is that a shit on the floor?
  – Submitted by Derek C (11 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
  2. Ted: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
  – Submitted by Ken K (11 months ago)
• 1. John Bennett: I look at you and wish I had a Teddy Ruxpin!
  – Submitted by Tommy H (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: No really her name is Sauvignon Blanc! Go ahead honey, show him your Chevron card.
  – Submitted by Jennifer L (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.
  – Submitted by Ezra B (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life?
  – Submitted by Carlos A (11 months ago)
• 1. Ted: That was my bad, I was sending a tweet.
  – Submitted by Josh S (12 months ago)