Ted

Ted

68%
  • R, 1 hr. 47 min.
  • Comedy
  • Directed By:    Seth MacFarlane
  • In Theaters:    Jun 29, 2012 Wide
  • On DVD:    Dec 11, 2012
  • Universal Pictures

Ted Quotes

The top Ted quotes selected by the Rotten Tomatoes community. Login to submit a quote!

  • Ted:
    Why are you crying?
    John Bennett:
    My dick is squished by the TV.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (6 months ago)

  • Narrator:
    Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterwards, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
    ‐ Submitted by Mike P (10 months ago)

  • Lori:
    Welcome back, Ted.
    John Bennett:
    It was you. You did it.
    Ted:
    Son of a bitch. You wished for my life back.
    Lori:
    No. I wished for my life back.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Oh, come on. I don't sound really much like Peter Griffin.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Jesus! I look like the robot from Aliens.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)

  • John Bennett:
    I thank you for saving every one of us!
    ‐ Submitted by Brian V (14 months ago)

  • Donny:
    You're mine, Ted!
    Ted:
    Screw you, pal! I belong to John Bennett.
    Donny:
    But I can give you love, and rocking horses, and dancing!
    Ted:
    I think we're very far apart on this.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)

  • Donny:
    Hi, Ted.
    Ted:
    Fuck!
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)

  • Ted:
    'Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit' My god, America is imploding!
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)

  • Narrator:
    Do you remember Brandon Routh from that god awful 'Superman' movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taken a giant shit on us!
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (15 months ago)

  • Ted:
    There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (15 months ago)

  • Lori:
    It's not my fault she can't speak English.
    Tami-Lynn:
    Oh, fuck you!!
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (16 months ago)

  • John Bennett:
    I've found my car keys. What's going on? Is that a shit?
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (16 months ago)

  • Frank:
    So, you think you've got what it takes?
    Ted:
    I'll tell you what I've got, your wife's pussy on my breath.
    Frank:
    Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
    Ted:
    That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
    Frank:
    You're hired.
    Ted:
    Shit.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (16 months ago)

  • John's Dad:
    Jesus H. Fuck!
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (16 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Oh, that was my bad, I was pulling a tweet.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (17 months ago)

  • Ted:
    That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew D (17 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Back off, Susan Boyle!
    ‐ Submitted by Alec L (17 months ago)

  • Ted:
    I look stupid.
    John Bennett:
    No you don't, you look dapper.
    Ted:
    John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
    ‐ Submitted by Alec L (17 months ago)

  • Ted:
    I fucked her with a parsnip after I sold to a family with four little children
    ‐ Submitted by Rodrigo B (19 months ago)

  • John Bennett:
    You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock I would chew it of to get you free. Is that cannibalism?
    Lori:
    Only if you swallow.
    ‐ Submitted by Pedro F (20 months ago)

  • John Bennett:
    [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!
    ‐ Submitted by Destani L (20 months ago)

  • Narrator:
    Nothing is as powerful as a young boy's wish, except for an apache helicopter.
    ‐ Submitted by Andrew C (21 months ago)

  • John's Dad:
    Helen, get my gun!
    Young John:
    Dad! No!
    John Bennett:
    Is it a hugging gun?
    ‐ Submitted by Andrew G (21 months ago)

  • Thomas:
    That's me and Skeritt
    John Bennett:
    Wow
    Thomas:
    Goddamn right wow.
    ‐ Submitted by Christopher W (21 months ago)

  • Thomas:
    That's me and Skeritt.
    ‐ Submitted by Christopher W (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Can you just email me the rest of this story?
    ‐ Submitted by Christopher W (21 months ago)

  • Donny:
    Are you out here all alone?
    Ted:
    Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
    ‐ Submitted by Jillian L (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
    ‐ Submitted by Jillian L (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
    John Bennett:
    Fucking right.
    Ted:
    Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
    John Bennett:
    Alright.
    John Bennett:
    Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / 'Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / Cause you're just God's farts!' [blow raspberries]
    ‐ Submitted by Jillian L (21 months ago)

  • Donny:
    [to Ted] I'll give you love, rocking horses and dancing.
    ‐ Submitted by xniquet L (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Ted brought happiness into everybody's lives in one was or another.
    ‐ Submitted by james s (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Lets get stoned.
    John Bennett:
    You get the job and we can smoke this afterwards.
    John Bennett:
    Your my best friend Ted cause I don't have any, because I didn't have any in school and was picked on an bullied pretty much everyday.
    ‐ Submitted by james s (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
    John Bennett:
    It doesn't sound very mellow.
    Ted:
    Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!
    ‐ Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (21 months ago)

  • John Bennett:
    Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs]
    ‐ Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    White trash name. Guess.
    ‐ Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (21 months ago)

  • John Bennett:
    [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
    Ted:
    Hahaha!
    John Bennett:
    Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
    Ted:
    Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
    ‐ Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (21 months ago)

  • Lori Collins:
    [Looks down on floor] What is that?
    Ted:
    Wha- what is what?
    Lori Collins:
    There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
    Ted:
    Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
    ‐ Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (21 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
    ‐ Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (21 months ago)

  • Robert:
    Should I have wash my hands before playing?
    Ted:
    Wha...? No... Yes... Weird, fucking question, just start countin a'ight.
    ‐ Submitted by Mateusz A (22 months ago)

  • Ted:
    Thunder buddies for life!
    ‐ Submitted by WillKai K (23 months ago)

  • Narrator:
    Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
    ‐ Submitted by Lucas M (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    [to Tami-Lynn] You have a baby? Is it alive?
    ‐ Submitted by Lucas M (2 years ago)

  • Lori Collins:
    Can I give you a ride home?
    John Bennett:
    No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
    ‐ Submitted by Lucas M (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Kareem! [throws bottle and misses]
    Ted:
    You suck Kareem!
    ‐ Submitted by David E (2 years ago)

  • Frank:
    Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    Ted:
    That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Shit.
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Frank:
    Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    Ted:
    That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
    John Bennett:
    You're hired.
    Ted:
    Shit.
    ‐ Submitted by Directors C (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Is it a hugging gun?
    ‐ Submitted by Scott M (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Don't worry I feel fine to drive.
    ‐ Submitted by ernest e (2 years ago)

  • Narrator:
    No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
    ‐ Submitted by Adam K (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Why are you crying?
    John Bennett:
    My dick got squished by the tv.
    ‐ Submitted by Chris H (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    The company's turning 20, so you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.
    ‐ Submitted by Nicholas R (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Why are you crying?
    John Bennett:
    My junk got squished by the TV!
    ‐ Submitted by Nicholas R (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    [to Tami-Lynn about his stalker] That's Sinead O'Connor. She don't look good no more.
    ‐ Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    Sometimes I look back at that Christmas day when I wished for you, and I think that I should have gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!
    Ted:
    Say that one more time.
    John Bennett:
    Teddy. Ruxpin!
    ‐ Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I wanna do something to her called a 'Dirty Fozzie'.
    ‐ Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    He's still a better singer than Katy Perry.
    ‐ Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I'd tongue punch her fart box.
    ‐ Submitted by Jeremy L (2 years ago)

  • Narrator:
    Robert hired a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
    ‐ Submitted by Gavriel G (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
    ‐ Submitted by Gavriel G (2 years ago)

  • Tami-Lynn:
    He's actually pretty good at sex, even though he doesn't have a penis.
    Ted:
    Yeah, I've written a lot of letters to Hasbro about that.
    ‐ Submitted by Gavriel G (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Where's my ring, motherfucker?
    ‐ Submitted by William S (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Come here ya bastard!
    ‐ Submitted by William S (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I bet you treat your wife like a vacuum cleaner. She both sucks and blows. And when you are done with her, you throw her back into the closet.
    ‐ Submitted by Lee G (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    That was my bad! I was sending a tweet.
    ‐ Submitted by Ben R (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I fucked her with a Parsnip..then sold it to a family with four small children.
    ‐ Submitted by AlexZander M (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Bring it in, ya bastard.
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Tami-Lynn:
    Did you just call me a what?
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Young Ted's Voice:
    [from trailer] You're my best friend, John!
    Young John:
    [smiles and hugs Ted]
    Young Ted's Voice:
    [voicebox] I love you!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Yea, why dont you finish that story in an email and send it to me.
    ‐ Submitted by Jerry W (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Oh hey listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
    John Bennett:
    What is this?
    Ted:
    It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
    John Bennett:
    It doesn't sound very mellow.
    Ted:
    Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!
    ‐ Submitted by nick m (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
    John Bennett:
    Oh, and you can?
    Ted:
    I dont have to, Im a fucking teddy bear.
    ‐ Submitted by nick m (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I can hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious.
    ‐ Submitted by Kris P (2 years ago)

  • Narrator:
    Nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish... except an apache helicopter... those things have machine guns and missles.
    ‐ Submitted by Matthew R (2 years ago)

  • Lori Collins:
    Who are these girls?!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
    Ted:
    [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Narrator:
    But eventually, everyone grows up.
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I'm sorry! I love you!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Okay. All right. So that's where we'll draw the line.
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    What do you want?!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
    John Bennett:
    Fuckin' right!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I'm sorry, I love you.
    John Bennett:
    I love you too.
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    [from trailer] I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
    Ted:
    Say that one more time.
    John Bennett:
    TEDDY, RUXPIN!
    Ted:
    Aaaaahhh! [lunges at John and starts to fight him]
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    Sometimes when I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Young Ted's Voice:
    Merry Christmas, everybody!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Young Ted's Voice:
    You're my best friend, John!
    ‐ Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I look like snuggles accountant.
    ‐ Submitted by Kem H (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    It's alright. If I get raped it's my fault for what I'm wearing.
    ‐ Submitted by Tim U (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    From one gentleman to another, I hope you get sick and die of fuckin Lou Gehrig's disease.
    ‐ Submitted by Craig J (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Who took a shit on the floor? We were playing truth or dare...She's got balls!
    ‐ Submitted by John C (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Thanks for creepin' up my night.
    ‐ Submitted by Madison B (2 years ago)

  • Frank:
    You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?
    Ted:
    I did her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four.
    Frank:
    You have guts, and I like guts. You're promoted!
    Ted:
    Do you have a problem or something?
    ‐ Submitted by Andrew D (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Life ain't nothin' but bitches and honey.
    ‐ Submitted by Zayda I (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I swear to god her name is Sauvignon Blanc. Go on and show her your Chevron card.
    ‐ Submitted by Murray C (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Sorry I was sending a tweet.
    ‐ Submitted by Logan F (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
    Ted:
    No.
    John Bennett:
    Did any of those names have a Lynne after it?
    Ted:
    Yup.
    John Bennett:
    Heather Lynn, Brandy Lynn...
    Ted:
    Tammy Lynn.
    John Bennett:
    FUCK!
    ‐ Submitted by Kenny L (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    You people look like the wooden hobby horse with fake hair toys kind of people. Yep, I was right creepy hobby horse with fake hair there it is!
    ‐ Submitted by Tommy H (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
    Ted:
    When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
    ‐ Submitted by Andrew L (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.
    John Bennett:
    No, you don't, you look dapper.
    Ted:
    John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
    ‐ Submitted by Lucas M (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
    ‐ Submitted by DeAndre W (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I look like Snuggles the accountant.
    ‐ Submitted by Matt M (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    Is that a shit on the floor?
    ‐ Submitted by Derek C (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
    Ted:
    Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
    ‐ Submitted by Ken K (2 years ago)

  • John Bennett:
    I look at you and wish I had a Teddy Ruxpin!
    ‐ Submitted by Tommy H (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    No really her name is Sauvignon Blanc! Go ahead honey, show him your Chevron card.
    ‐ Submitted by Jennifer L (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.
    ‐ Submitted by Ezra B (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    Thunder buddies for life?
    ‐ Submitted by Carlos A (2 years ago)

  • Ted:
    That was my bad, I was sending a tweet.
    ‐ Submitted by Josh S (2 years ago)