Ted

Ted

68%
  • R, 1 hr. 55 min.
  • Comedy
  • Directed By:
    Seth MacFarlane
    In Theaters:
    Jun 29, 2012 Wide
    On DVD:
    Dec 11, 2012
  • Universal Pictures

Ted Quotes

The top Ted quotes selected by the Rotten Tomatoes community. Login to submit a quote!

    1. Ted: Why are you crying?
    2. John Bennett: My dick is squished by the TV.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (5 months ago)
    1. Narrator: Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterwards, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
    – Submitted by Mike P (9 months ago)
    1. Lori: Welcome back, Ted.
    2. John Bennett: It was you. You did it.
    3. Ted: Son of a bitch. You wished for my life back.
    4. Lori: No. I wished for my life back.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (13 months ago)
    1. Ted: Oh, come on. I don't sound really much like Peter Griffin.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (13 months ago)
    1. Ted: Jesus! I look like the robot from Aliens.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (13 months ago)
    1. John Bennett: I thank you for saving every one of us!
    – Submitted by Brian V (13 months ago)
    1. Donny: You're mine, Ted!
    2. Ted: Screw you, pal! I belong to John Bennett.
    3. Donny: But I can give you love, and rocking horses, and dancing!
    4. Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (13 months ago)
    1. Donny: Hi, Ted.
    2. Ted: Fuck!
    – Submitted by Matthew D (13 months ago)
    1. Ted: 'Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit' My god, America is imploding!
    – Submitted by Matthew D (13 months ago)
    1. Narrator: Do you remember Brandon Routh from that god awful 'Superman' movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taken a giant shit on us!
    – Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)
    1. Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (14 months ago)
    1. Lori: It's not my fault she can't speak English.
    2. Tami-Lynn: Oh, fuck you!!
    – Submitted by Matthew D (15 months ago)
    1. John Bennett: I've found my car keys. What's going on? Is that a shit?
    – Submitted by Matthew D (15 months ago)
    1. Frank: So, you think you've got what it takes?
    2. Ted: I'll tell you what I've got, your wife's pussy on my breath.
    3. Frank: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
    4. Ted: That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
    5. Frank: You're hired.
    6. Ted: Shit.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (15 months ago)
    1. John's Dad: Jesus H. Fuck!
    – Submitted by Matthew D (15 months ago)
    1. Ted: Oh, that was my bad, I was pulling a tweet.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (16 months ago)
    1. Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.
    – Submitted by Matthew D (16 months ago)
    1. Ted: Back off, Susan Boyle!
    – Submitted by Alec L (16 months ago)
    1. Ted: I look stupid.
    2. John Bennett: No you don't, you look dapper.
    3. Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
    – Submitted by Alec L (16 months ago)
    1. Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip after I sold to a family with four little children
    – Submitted by Rodrigo B (18 months ago)
    1. John Bennett: You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock I would chew it of to get you free. Is that cannibalism?
    2. Lori: Only if you swallow.
    – Submitted by Pedro F (19 months ago)
    1. John Bennett: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!
    – Submitted by Destani L (19 months ago)
    1. Narrator: Nothing is as powerful as a young boy's wish, except for an apache helicopter.
    – Submitted by Andrew C (20 months ago)
    1. John's Dad: Helen, get my gun!
    2. Young John: Dad! No!
    3. John Bennett: Is it a hugging gun?
    – Submitted by Andrew G (20 months ago)
    1. Thomas: That's me and Skeritt
    2. John Bennett: Wow
    3. Thomas: Goddamn right wow.
    – Submitted by Christopher W (20 months ago)
    1. Thomas: That's me and Skeritt.
    – Submitted by Christopher W (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
    – Submitted by Christopher W (20 months ago)
    1. Donny: Are you out here all alone?
    2. Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
    – Submitted by Jillian L (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
    – Submitted by Jillian L (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
    2. John Bennett: Fucking right.
    3. Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
    4. John Bennett: Alright.
    5. John Bennett: Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / 'Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / Cause you're just God's farts!' [blow raspberries]
    – Submitted by Jillian L (20 months ago)
    1. Donny: [to Ted] I'll give you love, rocking horses and dancing.
    – Submitted by xniquet L (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: Ted brought happiness into everybody's lives in one was or another.
    – Submitted by james s (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: Lets get stoned.
    2. John Bennett: You get the job and we can smoke this afterwards.
    3. John Bennett: Your my best friend Ted cause I don't have any, because I didn't have any in school and was picked on an bullied pretty much everyday.
    – Submitted by james s (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
    2. John Bennett: It doesn't sound very mellow.
    3. Ted: Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!
    – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (20 months ago)
    1. John Bennett: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs]
    – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: White trash name. Guess.
    – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (20 months ago)
    1. John Bennett: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
    2. Ted: Hahaha!
    3. John Bennett: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
    4. Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
    – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (20 months ago)
    1. Lori Collins: [Looks down on floor] What is that?
    2. Ted: Wha- what is what?
    3. Lori Collins: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
    4. Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
    – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (20 months ago)
    1. Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
    – Submitted by Ahmad Ekhwan H (20 months ago)
    1. Robert: Should I have wash my hands before playing?
    2. Ted: Wha...? No... Yes... Weird, fucking question, just start countin a'ight.
    – Submitted by Mateusz A (21 months ago)
    1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life!
    – Submitted by WillKai K (22 months ago)
    1. Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
    – Submitted by Lucas M (24 months ago)
    1. Ted: [to Tami-Lynn] You have a baby? Is it alive?
    – Submitted by Lucas M (24 months ago)
    1. Lori Collins: Can I give you a ride home?
    2. John Bennett: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
    – Submitted by Lucas M (24 months ago)
    1. Ted: Kareem! [throws bottle and misses]
    2. Ted: You suck Kareem!
    – Submitted by David E (2 years ago)
    1. Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    2. Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Shit.
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    2. Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
    3. John Bennett: You're hired.
    4. Ted: Shit.
    – Submitted by Directors C (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
    – Submitted by Scott M (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Don't worry I feel fine to drive.
    – Submitted by ernest e (2 years ago)
    1. Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
    – Submitted by Adam K (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Why are you crying?
    2. John Bennett: My dick got squished by the tv.
    – Submitted by Chris H (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: The company's turning 20, so you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.
    – Submitted by Nicholas R (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Why are you crying?
    2. John Bennett: My junk got squished by the TV!
    – Submitted by Nicholas R (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: [to Tami-Lynn about his stalker] That's Sinead O'Connor. She don't look good no more.
    – Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: Sometimes I look back at that Christmas day when I wished for you, and I think that I should have gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!
    2. Ted: Say that one more time.
    3. John Bennett: Teddy. Ruxpin!
    – Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I wanna do something to her called a 'Dirty Fozzie'.
    – Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: He's still a better singer than Katy Perry.
    – Submitted by Palmer R (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I'd tongue punch her fart box.
    – Submitted by Jeremy L (2 years ago)
    1. Narrator: Robert hired a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
    – Submitted by Gavriel G (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
    – Submitted by Gavriel G (2 years ago)
    1. Tami-Lynn: He's actually pretty good at sex, even though he doesn't have a penis.
    2. Ted: Yeah, I've written a lot of letters to Hasbro about that.
    – Submitted by Gavriel G (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Where's my ring, motherfucker?
    – Submitted by William S (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Come here ya bastard!
    – Submitted by William S (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I bet you treat your wife like a vacuum cleaner. She both sucks and blows. And when you are done with her, you throw her back into the closet.
    – Submitted by Lee G (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: That was my bad! I was sending a tweet.
    – Submitted by Ben R (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I fucked her with a Parsnip..then sold it to a family with four small children.
    – Submitted by AlexZander M (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Bring it in, ya bastard.
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a what?
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Young Ted's Voice: [from trailer] You're my best friend, John!
    2. Young John: [smiles and hugs Ted]
    3. Young Ted's Voice: [voicebox] I love you!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Yea, why dont you finish that story in an email and send it to me.
    – Submitted by Jerry W (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Oh hey listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
    2. John Bennett: What is this?
    3. Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
    4. John Bennett: It doesn't sound very mellow.
    5. Ted: Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!
    – Submitted by nick m (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
    2. John Bennett: Oh, and you can?
    3. Ted: I dont have to, Im a fucking teddy bear.
    – Submitted by nick m (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I can hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious.
    – Submitted by Kris P (2 years ago)
    1. Narrator: Nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish... except an apache helicopter... those things have machine guns and missles.
    – Submitted by Matthew R (2 years ago)
    1. Lori Collins: Who are these girls?!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
    2. Ted: [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Narrator: But eventually, everyone grows up.
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I'm sorry! I love you!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Okay. All right. So that's where we'll draw the line.
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: What do you want?!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
    2. John Bennett: Fuckin' right!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I'm sorry, I love you.
    2. John Bennett: I love you too.
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: [from trailer] I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
    2. Ted: Say that one more time.
    3. John Bennett: TEDDY, RUXPIN!
    4. Ted: Aaaaahhh! [lunges at John and starts to fight him]
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: Sometimes when I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Young Ted's Voice: Merry Christmas, everybody!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Young Ted's Voice: You're my best friend, John!
    – Submitted by Anthony A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I look like snuggles accountant.
    – Submitted by Kem H (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: It's alright. If I get raped it's my fault for what I'm wearing.
    – Submitted by Tim U (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: From one gentleman to another, I hope you get sick and die of fuckin Lou Gehrig's disease.
    – Submitted by Craig J (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Who took a shit on the floor? We were playing truth or dare...She's got balls!
    – Submitted by John C (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Thanks for creepin' up my night.
    – Submitted by Madison B (2 years ago)
    1. Frank: You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?
    2. Ted: I did her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four.
    3. Frank: You have guts, and I like guts. You're promoted!
    4. Ted: Do you have a problem or something?
    – Submitted by Andrew D (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Life ain't nothin' but bitches and honey.
    – Submitted by Zayda I (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I swear to god her name is Sauvignon Blanc. Go on and show her your Chevron card.
    – Submitted by Murray C (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Sorry I was sending a tweet.
    – Submitted by Logan F (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
    2. Ted: No.
    3. John Bennett: Did any of those names have a Lynne after it?
    4. Ted: Yup.
    5. John Bennett: Heather Lynn, Brandy Lynn...
    6. Ted: Tammy Lynn.
    7. John Bennett: FUCK!
    – Submitted by Kenny L (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: You people look like the wooden hobby horse with fake hair toys kind of people. Yep, I was right creepy hobby horse with fake hair there it is!
    – Submitted by Tommy H (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
    2. Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
    – Submitted by Andrew L (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.
    2. John Bennett: No, you don't, you look dapper.
    3. Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
    – Submitted by Lucas M (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
    – Submitted by DeAndre W (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I look like Snuggles the accountant.
    – Submitted by Matt M (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: Is that a shit on the floor?
    – Submitted by Derek C (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
    2. Ted: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
    – Submitted by Ken K (2 years ago)
    1. John Bennett: I look at you and wish I had a Teddy Ruxpin!
    – Submitted by Tommy H (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: No really her name is Sauvignon Blanc! Go ahead honey, show him your Chevron card.
    – Submitted by Jennifer L (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.
    – Submitted by Ezra B (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: Thunder buddies for life?
    – Submitted by Carlos A (2 years ago)
    1. Ted: That was my bad, I was sending a tweet.
    – Submitted by Josh S (2 years ago)

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