Okay, I admit-- I'm just deliberately watching bad movies now. The Spirit, one of the more infamously awful movies to be tainted by Frank "The Fuckhole" Miller, is easily the stupidest piece of shit I've watched on my quest to keep my rotten review count nice and high-- Yes, worse than Sucker Punch. I don't understand why a movie like this gets praise for its "unique" visuals, because literally every other grungy graphic novel nowadays is using the exact same black and white/comic book style. There is nothing even remotely original about this curiously inept and deliberately weird movie. At some point while watching this, you have to just accept its insanity and turn either it or your brain off. None of it is even remotely coherent, and that's part of its charm. It's like the Room of comic book movies.
The Spirit stars some actor who has now been completely (and rightfully) forgotten as The Spirit, an undead cop who has returned to fight crime in Central City-- specifically The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson), his henchwoman Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson), and his former girlfriend Sand Saref (Eva Mendes). "But Diego, how could a movie with Nick Fury and dozens of beautiful actresses be this bad?" Well, quite easily. It's difficult to know quite where to begin with a film like The Spirit, as every part of it is so godawful it nearly defies rating. But firstly: The tone. Oh my God, how many more wannabe neo-noir crapfests must we sit through? This thing wanted so badly to be some kind of a supernatural Dick Tracy, but it ended up just being a laughable concoction of really lame slapstick and jarring tonal shifts. The audience doesn't even know when to take the movie seriously or not, as toilet humor is literally interspersed between images of graphic beatdowns.
As for the script, well... holy shit. Not one line of dialogue in this movie is A) Delivered well, and B) Written well. If I may give a few choice samples: "I'm gonna kill you all kinds of dead." Really? You have SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON in this movie. Surely you could come up with better shit for him to say than that! Also, "Such pain. Such suffering." Wow! Many movie. Much fail. Very awful. Woof. "She provides for me, my city does." What? Speaking like Yoda now, are we? I could go on. Not to mention that this thing throws every cliche in the book at the audience without a moment's hesitation. It's got it all: A tough female rookie cop with an odd accent who is a little too enthusiastic about the proceedings. A hero who has literally half a dozen women flocking after him (not to mention a whole city willing to bang him whenever he chooses). A bad guy who is after Hercules's blood, which he will use to become immortal. And seriously, Samuel L. Jackson's egg jokes got old after, like... the first time. There are a good ten egg puns in this movie, which is about ten egg puns too many.
This movie is a failure on every level, but the most puzzling aspect of its complete awfulness is (again) the tone. It seriously doesn't make any sense. I don't know what they were shooting for with this thing, but it's not campy enough to be dumb fun, and way too silly to have even a hint of dramatic weight. And a lot of the humor isn't even humor, it's just random crap. Why does The Octopus have a dojo and a Nazi uniform? Well, because nobody gave a shit when they wrote this script. Really, all this movie boils down to is a massive demonstration of a complete lack of effort on the parts of everyone involved. The visuals are recycled from Sin City, the plot is nonexistent, the acting is jaw-droppingly corny, and the dialogue will make you question the existence of God. Plus, it has a bunch of inbred fat bald guys who are just Three Stooges rip-offs. -1.
Final Score for The Spirit: 1/10 stars. Yes, this movie is awful. Yes, it is an insult to the institution of filmmaking. But is it the worst movie ever? No, not really. Seriously, for a dumb (AND I MEAN REALLY DUMB) time killer, I suppose you could do worse. But that's only if you have a complete willingness to ignore every cinematic convention ever conceived. It's practically a so-bad-it's-good movie, on the level of The Wicker Man or The Room, but it unfortunately has too much intentional humor to hit that summit of awfulness. Because when a drama fails, it's funny, but when retarded slapstick fails, you'll want to kill yourself. Also, as a final word, I have reached the conclusion that Scarlett Johansson is not a good actress. Sorry, Scarlett. Bewbs ≠ talent.