With a plot only a Twilight-mother could love, "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" is unintentionally one of the funniest movies of the year, to the point where any sane moviegoer would suspect that most of the scenarios here were played for laughs and parody.
The Plot: After the birth of their half-breed daughter Renesmee, Bella and Edward must go on a good-will tour, asking for the help of other vampire friends in order to protect their daughter from the evil heads of the Vatican...I mean, the Volturi. But laughter ensues as the "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" quickly turns into a twisted episode of The Munsters: mommy and daddy are vampires and the daughter is dating a werewolf.
OK, so if you enjoyed the final novel in Stephenie Meyer's series, word on the street is that you'll enjoy this installment the best. This might have something to do with Bill Condon being the first director to fully embrace the campiness of a world predicated on werewolf pedophilia and unprotected vampire sex, and also creating the most visually off the wall adaptation yet; with no regard to the viewing audience. But for every non-Twihard out there, "The Twilight Saga- Breaking Dawn- Part 2" will stand as one of the worst films of the year, in a series that has only gotten progressively worse.
Why this is clearly the worst film of the series: The film begins with Kristen Stewart doing her best mountain lion impression as she crawls along the forest floor, hunting a deer, and only goes downhill from there. I'm not going to bore you with what you already know, a la this film contains a wealth of bad acting from the likes of Stewart, who should never work again, Taylor Lautner, who probably will never work again and Rob Pattinson, who throughout this movie couldn't look more ready to be done with the series (although Michael Sheen does give an eccentrically interesting performance as Aro). What I will be addressing here is the cornucopia of other problems which make this film almost unwatchable. Just a heads up, some of my points will contain plot spoilers, so skip to the "Final Thought" if you are still planning on watching this "film".
1.The vampire v. werewolf conflict, which was maybe the most interesting aspect of these films to begin with, is all but done here. In fact, the plot encompasses more of vampire on vampire violence, where the werewolves play a submissive afterthought. Ok, I understand that this non-conflict is part of the story, and it may not seem like a big deal to some, but let me tell you, it doesn't lend itself well to any novice half-way interested in any of the prior storylines.
2.This movie contains some of the worst special effects of any big budget film (yes, including "The Green Lantern") in the past decade. I won't bother to touch on every terrible CGI fiasco which occurs here (the vampires running effects, the vampires leaping tall buildings in a single bound effects or the laugh out loud tearing of people heads off effects) for fear of rambling-on more than I already am. But that doesn't stop me from asking the one question that is on everyone's minds. What's up with that baby's face?! When Renesmee is an infant, while it is obvious that a real baby is used, for some reason her face is completely computer generated, with half-assed CGI at that. The baby's face is so obviously fake, extremely creepy and immensely distraction that it is sure to haunt your dreams long after you've left the theater.
3.There is pretty much one human in the entire film and he is an idiot! The human I mention is Charlie Swan, Bella's father. The issue with him in this film is not necessarily the character himself, but the sloppiness in which he is almost written out of the story. When we first see him, he is obviously concerned for his daughter, since he doesn't know if she is dead or alive. When he finally sees that she is all better, with what looks to be a one year old infant in her arms, he seems to be brimming with questions. But when he demands answers from Bella, and she dismisses him (this would make more sense if you saw it) Charlie does what any worried father would do, he accepts the fact that she can't tell him anything and leaves her with the vampire family.
4.From a bland joke about the Loch Ness Monster, to all of the laughable monologues, the script contains some of the worst dialogue outside of an ABC Family show. And must mention that about 50% of this movie consists of dull voiceover narrations from Stewart and Pattinson, attempting to either explain back-story, introduce new characters (which there are many) or simply explain what is going on in the scene.
5.The ending is a copout. Now, I don't want to give too much away for the few who still want to watch this, but there is a final battle sequence that occurs (FINALLY!!!) which in turn is the best part of the movie. And is absolutely ruined by a twist ending, which comes off as nothing more than a convention to soothe any crying teenagers not ready to witness a violent movie about dreamy vampires.
6.One word: PEDOPHILE. Imprinting is a huge aspect in the novels. If you don't know what that is, "it's an involuntary mechanism by which werewolves become unconditionally bound to somebody (i.e. a soul mate) for the rest of their lives." Thank you Twilight Wiki page! The problem here is that throughout past films in the series, imprinting has been equated to not so much finding a soul mate or becoming someone's protector, but more so finding a mate or lover. So, when Jacob (Lautner) imprints on Renesmee with implications that he is in love with a child, visually it comes off as gross and super creepy, at the very least. Truthfully, at any moment I was expecting Jacob to yell, "You can't leave, Bella! I'm in love with your baby!"
Final Thought: I'll stop there and not even get into the troubling subplot pertaining to infants being burned alive, only because I wish to limit the amount of hate mail I get. If you didn't get it by now, this movie was so hard to sit though that I wish somebody in the theater had popped my head off about ten minutes in. And for everyone who wants to defend it by saying the points that I have just made aren't applicable here and "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" is a good movie, because it is a pretty accurate adaptation of the novel (excluding the ending) then all I can say is, if the final novel is anything like this movie, then it must suck too.
Written by Markus Robinson, Edited by Nicole I. Ashland
Follow me on Twitter @moviesmarkus