ROTTEN TOMATOES: I hated every 149 minutes. This is so bad it's immoral. Michael Bay is a time-sucking vampire who will feast off your lost time. This is why the movie is so long.

I hated every 149 minutes. This is so bad it's immoral. Michael Bay is a time-sucking vampire who will feast off your lost time. This is why the movie is so long.

by Victoria Alexander | June 23, 2009

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
By
Victoria Alexander
FilmsInReview.com

I hated every 149 minutes. This is so bad it's immoral. Michael Bay is a time-sucking vampire who will feast off your lost time. This is why the movie is so long.

This movie is terrible. Because there is no story, I'm just going to enumerate just 20 of the 149 things that were horribly wrong with "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen".

1. There is no story.

2. The parents are embarrassing slapstick cartoons.

3. Megan Fox keeps her clothes on.

4. Michael Bay fixed Ben Affleck's wonky teeth but keeps Shia LaBeouf's wonky nose.

5. Steve Jablonsky's music score steals from "The Dark Knight." The music is horror movie ominous while the action is silly.

6. The only dialogue not lifted from other movies was "I'll be back."

7. The Decepticons and Autobots destroy The Great Pyramid of Khafre at Giza and The Temple Complex of Karnak in Thebes. They poop on The Sphinx. The Autobots damage The Treasury in Petra, Jordan.

(I was sent Bay's scribbled napkin notes for Transformers 3. He plans on destroying The Rock of the Dome Mosque, The Church of the Holy Sepulchre and, for good measure, the entire town of Bethlehem.)

8. Did I really hear an Autobot say: "Ah-ah, I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?"

9. The thingie Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is looking for is called "The Matrix." We've heard that one before. Couldn't the writers come up with something original?

10. Optimus Prime still doesn't have a personality.

11. I did like the obvious homoerotic subplot between Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) and Simmons (John Turturro).

12. Rainn Wilson overplays the fool.

13. Megan Fox doesn't act, or need to. At least she has a sense of humor about it. At 23 years old, Fox has 10 years before she is expected to deliver a performance. She is a plastic surgery masterpiece. She is gorgeous. How much did that lip lift, breast implants, facial resurfacing, nose job, and liposuction cost her benefactor? And a Bull-Horn Lip Lift or the Gull-Wing Lip Lift (procedures that allow for more upper tooth to show when the lips are slightly parted) looks lousy unless you have a full set of ultra-white veneers. A veneer costs $2,000 or more per tooth. Even in Mexico!

14. The Autobots use naughty language! How daring! Will children be able to handle it without counseling?

15. The Decepticons have submissive slaves and the Autobots serve humans. How creepy is this?

16. Bay may make another blockbuster at the box office, but after the screenings, will he still have fans?

17. When I finally realized the Decepticons wanted to destroy our sun, I wanted them to.

18. I liked Alice (Isabel Lucas). Clearly she was cast to keep Megan Fox in her submissive, but mouthy, place.

19. What the hell was Starscream?

20. The battle scenes sucked.

A critic colleague: "Do you think Michael Bay f**ked Megan Fox?
Me: "Plenty. And, by binding contract, all his fat, rich old buddies too. At least that is how I would cast my movies."

My weekly column, "The Devil's Hammer," is posted every Monday. The Devil's Hammer on FTB. If you would like to be included on my private distribution list for a weekly preview, just email me at masauu@aol.com.

Victoria Alexander lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and answers every email. You can contact Victoria directly at masauu@aol.com.

(1-20 of 60 posts) | Reply

Daniel A. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:04 AM

I am sick of all these bull **** reviews. Stop trashing people just because you don't like them. I just saw transformers, no body disliked it in the theatre and it did what it wanted to do. Considering that it was way better than the first one it makes no sense that it has a worse rating. Pull your heads out of your asses and see a good movie when it's shown to you. We come to ,this site to see un-biased realistic reviews, not some dumb *** critic who trashes great movies for nothing. Considering that this was one of the best action movies to come out this year, and the last, you are way off with your review. And btw no one gives a **** about what you have to say about Michael Bay, talk about the movie because that's what a critic should do.

(Reply to this)

Daniel A. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:11 AM

You are absolutely useless, Bay this Bay that, did you even watch the movie? Just because you are a woman and can't process rational thought, does not mean there was no story. There was one, but considering how you are so envelopped about how Meagan Fox got all those plastic surgeries, and about the fact that you can't afford any thing even close to that, made you overlook simple things like a plot. I don't see "Gossip Rant Forum" on the title for Rotten Tomatoes, it does this thing called reviewing movies, something your tiny little woman brain clearly hasn't done. For the love of christ go back and watch the notebook because that is apparently the only good movie you will see.

(Reply to this)

Matthew D. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:12 AM

I saw this film, and I despised it. The humor was stupid, the robotic testicles were ridiculous, and the characters were completely and utterly unbelievable. Daniel is wrong. This is an unintentionally funny film that will undoubtedly earn a few Razzies for its sub-par acting. Michael Bay probably noticed that Fox can't act, because nearly all of her scenes are sexually suggestive.

More than half of the theater I saw this in left with disappointed faces. It's undoubtedly worse than the first movie.

(Reply to this)

Matthew D. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:13 AM

Daniel: What a sexist pig. Are you Michael Bay commenting on these reviews to conceal the fact that your latest film is a stupid ****fest? What a moron.

(Reply to this)

Estefan B. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:28 AM

In reply to this comment (#2516150)
You people are so stupid. I just came back from seeing it and it was a great movie. Everyone applauded and was cheering. Why don't you fags actually get a job and go see the movie instead of jotting bull**** down that you don't even know what your talking about. You know this movie is going to win a bunch of awards and people like you make me sick. I agree with Daniel and he is not being sexist. It's the movie that your supposed to rate not the person who made. i don't even care if Michael Jackson directed it, I still liked it. So stop posting garbage you useless bastards.

(Reply to this)

david w. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:42 AM

you know what? all i have to say is that the movie was fantastic from start to finish and vicky dont bash the movie purposely to try and get attention

(Reply to this)

Walter W. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 12:58 AM

you know...you're a pro movie reviewer. so i understand you do no research besides your hatemongering for michael bay and your complete lack of knowledge of transformers lore when compiling your review. trust me, i thought bay was gonna screw this movie up beyond all repair. but i just got home from the movie. and it was a fantastic movie. there was a matrix in the transformers universe long before the wachowski brothers even were out of high school. and long before they thought of their matrix trilogy. so who is being original? it was called the autobot matrix of leadership. it was from the transformers animated movie that also hit theaters in 1986. so before you try to say what is original and what is not original, please scoop your head out of your *** and do some research into the background of the movie you are researching.

(Reply to this)

method1011 writes:
on Jun 24 2009 01:02 AM

Well i went to the midnight showing and i loved it. 4 sold out theatres. The one i was everyone cheered and applauded at the end.

It was what i expected....Poor plot, bad acting, and terrific action and effects.
I loved every second of it.

Of course everyone has a right to not like it....i just think its stupid to throw insults back and forth. The movie soes what it sets out to do...plain and simple.

(Reply to this)

Tony C. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 01:12 AM

I have to say this is probably the most unprofessional review i have ever seen in my life. like Walter mention it seems like you dont know the source material at all. do us all a favor and watch the 80's cartoon movie then retract your comments on the orginality of the Matrix. here i will even save you the troube and provide you a link

http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Matrix_of_Leadership

then to attack a 23 year old women because she looks too perfect for you. seems like someone is not feeling too hot about their own personal appearance. its actually kind of funny you bash on Meagan Fox for being too perfect, but totally bash Shea for having a crooked nose. seems like you are too preoccupied by looks.

but hey i guess it pays to be a shock reviewer.

(Reply to this)

Joe M. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 01:23 AM

Ok literally F**K ALL YOU OF MOTHER F'IN CRITICS. All you do is rant on movies you havent seen cause you're too busy to do anything in your meaningless life. And its 147 minutes long, dear. Plus, everyone clapped at my theater. The whole room clapped, about 30-70 people. I hate all of these *** critics who hate a movie because it was made by a director they dont like. F**k all of you and grow up.

(Reply to this)

method1011 writes:
on Jun 24 2009 01:32 AM

Most of the fans that post here... are the reason i'm ashamed to be such a huge transformers fan.

I don't agree with the review either...but people are allowed to not like it. Unfortunately lots of them just pick random reasons cause they don't want to like it.

To each their own. Life will go on..lol.

(Reply to this)

Maynard S. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 01:40 AM

I can't believe this chick is actually talking about someone else's nose! Holy christ, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You ma'am, are the worst critic that I think I have ever had the displeasure of reading. I think my eyeballs threw up a little bit after reading your verbal diarrhea. You should probably do the right thing and earn your family's honor back by dying. The shame that they must feel for having you as a relative, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Good job being a cockbag.

(Reply to this)

dave k. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 02:27 AM

Judging upon the sophistication present in these comments, I'm afraid I can't really side with people who call a critic a "**** bag" for giving a film a bad review.
On the other hand, I'm sure that when I see it in the theatre I will enjoy it because of the wowza effects and all that, but will despise it at home because everything is terrible despite the CGI and huge sets (such was the destiny of the first movie).

(Reply to this)

ParanoidAndroid writes:
on Jun 24 2009 02:51 AM

I have never in all my years seen so many people hurt by bad reviews. It's really very enjoyable. Kind of my own little private movie. Only it's free.....

(Reply to this)

Ashiedu N. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 03:45 AM

Why would anybody be surprised this movie sucked, the first one sucked. I'm guessing if you liked this at all you are probably in you are younger than your early to mid twenties. I'm 29 so I was still in single digits when I was a Trans-fan. People my age only accept the original Transformers from the 80s and won't accept garbage like Beast Wars or anything after. Beast Wars fans might like this mess, but original Transformer fans won't and neither will ordinary movie goers.

(Reply to this)

Sophie L. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 04:05 AM

Yes this movie was bad. It was painfully bad. But the Matrix of leadership has existed in the Transformers universe since the 80s and has nothing to do with dodging bullets and Keanu Reeves. You should probably get your facts strait about the movies your reviewing before you go running your mouth about things you don't know.

Just saying.

(Reply to this)

Alexandra A. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 05:12 AM

Transformers 2, received a standing ovation and a round of applause from where I watched it. Your review just contradicts everything.

(Reply to this)

Steven L. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 06:04 AM

I think it's humorous that while so many critics hate Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise, the movie will make money and the public is going to love it. While every movie has room for improvement, this movie does one important thing that will ensure its success: it entertains.

I can only grin at how frustrating it must be for most critics as their opinions are judged worthless and audiences across the country spend their hard-earned money on this movie and leave their theaters well satisfied and the movies studios continue to give Michael Bay free reign to do what he does best: make them money.

(Reply to this)

Agent69 writes:
on Jun 24 2009 07:58 AM

Ouch!

(Reply to this)

Maynard S. writes:
on Jun 24 2009 08:35 AM

In reply to this comment (#2516198)
Sophistication? We're merely trying to point out the fact that Victoria reviewed this film from her own perspective. And not the perspective of the targeted demography, 7-13 year old males. This movie was definitely not created for the 35-50, feminazi, man-hating, softball playing lesbian demography, which is what demography Victoria obviously resides in.

(Reply to this)

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