Witless Protection Reviews
So I know what you're thinking: You look at that quick synopsis, you look at the Dvd cover and you wonder if this movie so bad that they're going to pull that ol' "They don't like each other and argue all the time at first but eventually fall in love garbage?" well thankfully I can answer that question with a "no". Don't get me wrong though, the movie is that bad but somehow they avoided that tired cliché because hottie Ivana Mili?evi and Larry the Cable guy do not fall in love in the movie. Now the reason for that is that our protagonist already has a way-too-hot-for-him girlfriend from the very beginning (Jennifer McCarthy as Connie). I guess the writer decided that maybe having Stockholm syndrome be the driving force of your romance would be a bad call. Still, it's bad enough that I have to sit through your bad movie but don't insult my intelligence. I'm sure in real life Daniel Whitney has a beautiful wife. I can believe that because he's a famous comedian, he's been in a whole bunch of movies and he probably has a lot of money. Larry (the movie Larry, not the real life person) has none of that, he's a fat, bumbling moron who lives in a small town. There is no way attractive women would ever touch this guy unless they're trying to fight off his drunken advances or struggling against him while he's sizing them up for his new set lampshades. Anyway, let me tell you about this movie. It sucks. The movie begins with a parody of the training montage from "Rocky" with Larry training against a self-made contraption in order to become a better police officer. If you're going to parody something, can't you be more original? He gets hit for comedic effect so many times I lost track nearly right away. So the physical comedy is no good, but what about the written jokes? Well listening in on some of the background TV commercials playing, I was treated with a gag I haven't heard since I was in grade 4 when I made it: an exercise machine available for 99 payments of 99 dollars. I was about to call out the writer as being a complete hack for coming up with such terrible jokes as someone asking Larry "Are you insane?!" to which he respond "No, I'm Larry." (which doesn't even make sense, does this guy speak English?) and I was going to ask how bad were the jokes that were left on the cutting room floor that this is what we were left with but looking at the credits, I see that Charles Robert Carner not only directed, but also wrote and came up with the story. That explains it all. That explains the bad rubber snake who obviously switches between a real specimen between shots (and if you know me, I almost always find fake-looking animals funny. Hell, it was the best part of the epic waste of time that was Epic movie); that explains the Scooby-Doo like montage of Larry and the FBI chasing each other through a series of doors, a racist caricature of an innkeeper and a scene where a snooty British guy falls head-first into a steaming pile of horse crap. That last one though, that's just a lesser version of the far bigger and more intellectually insulting joke that happens when Larry and Madeleine find themselves at an airport. For reasons I don't want to go into, Larry is being escorted away by security and strip searched. That means you have the pleasure of seeing Larry, completely naked except for his trademark hat covering his crotch while a security officer reaches inside his colon to look for hidden drugs of whatever. Not only that, but you can clearly see that Larry has a big sunburn all over his body, except for the outline of his penis on his left leg. Then you are treated to Larry taking a giant dump all over the officer searching him. Thankfully it's off-screen but the mental damage has been done.
Not only is the humour horrendous, but the story is idiotic. Larry and his captive/ally decide that the only way they'll be left alone is if they fake Madeleine's death. What do they do? They blow up Larry's truck, set up a phoney funeral and give Madeleine some Botox to paralyze her while she's in the coffin. The idea is that the guys after them will walk in, see her and figure "Hey, our job is done!" Does that plan seem like it would work for a second with you? A funeral set the same night as the car crash that killed her? So the big climax of the film has Larry and Madeleine looking for some key evidence for the court case in the villain's mansion. She's in disguise, distraction the bad guy while Larry goes in to investigate. He's looking for a stolen disc, one that is valuable for two reasons: first it contains incriminating information that will hold up in court and convict the villain for sure and second, this disc is magical. What do you mean magical? Well, apparently it's indestructible, cannot be thrown away and the data on it cannot be copied or re-written on a piece of paper. How else can you explain that the data on it (which is valuable to the villain as well) was not transferred to something that looks totally useless to the court case like maybe a Dvd of "Witless Protection" and the original disk then destroyed so it couldn't be used against him? As if that wasn't bad enough, the ending of the movie is a Deux ex Machina. I know some of you reading are saying oh no! Please don't spoil the ending but I absolutely have to tell you how this scene plays out. Ok, so through comic impossibility, Larry's beaten the lead henchman. "But where's the disc?" he asks himself. So here's what Larry does. He picks up the henchman's cell phone. Presses two, maybe three buttons and BAM! An email pops up clearly indicating where the disc is. This is what we waited for? A lame, no writing-talent ending like that? It's not enough that you have to endure the same joke over and over: Madeleine says something in "fancy" normal people speech; Larry doesn't understand but repeats the exact same sentence in country-bumpkin talk, but in the end there's no payoff? Give me a break.
You know what the worst thing about this movie is? It's you and me, the viewers. Why? Because sure, everyone involved in the production of the film churned out a big, juicy pile of excrement and tried to serve it to us as if it was something substantial but at least these people got paid for it. They can put their paychecks in a trust fund and wait until human civilization has perfect brainwashing and then pay a specialist to have all memories of this film completely removed. That's if they even remember working on this colossal waste of time. Me? I'm the asshole here because I'm still thinking about the movie. I better not ever hear anyone say they enjoyed this movie because I will be forced to punch them in the face. I finished the movie for the same reason I finish every movie, I always hope that there's something, anything that's going to be good and I firmly believe that you can't really judge a story unless you've seen the whole thing. Well, I sat through it all and... I didn't care for it. (Theatrical version on Dvd, September 20, 2013)