Hollywood Bitchslap

Rating Title | Year Quote Author
58%

Make Out With Violence (2011)

"This is a far more complex and thoughtful examination of the transition to adulthood and how we deal with death rather than just another zombie flick."

Erik Childress

——

Max Havoc: Curse Of The Dragon (2007)

"You see, some folks apparently lack the savvy to avoid bankrolling a movie with the words 'Max Havoc,' 'Albert Pyun,' and 'kickboxing champion' related to them."

David Cornelius

0%

National Lampoon's Pledge This! (2006)

"So yeah. It's a National Lampoon/Paris Hilton movie that nobody wanted to release. And yet it manages to even be far worse than that."

David Cornelius

——

American Pie 5: The Naked Mile (2006)

"Crude, sure. Vulgar, no doubt. But funny? Not at all."

David Cornelius

——

Saat po long (S.P.L.) (Kill Zone) (2006)

"The film's signature pieces are its fight scenes, but Yip works best in the quieter moments."

David Cornelius

——

Clive Barker's The Plague (2006)

"This is the sort of horror film that hooks you from frame one with both smarts and frights."

David Cornelius

——

Snakes on a Train (2006)

"The Mallachi Brothers truly impress. Too bad they got stuck with a screenplay that can't hold itself above water and a studio stuck in one heck of a lame rut."

David Cornelius

——

Bloodsuckers (Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe) (2005)

"What begins as a big pile of dumb fun winds up a weary mess."

David Cornelius

——

Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

"A low-key adventure packed with the kind of fantasy that's endlessly ridiculous yet loveable in a Harryhausen kind of way."

David Cornelius

——

Naked in the 21st Century (2006)

"Naked is bad beyond human comprehension, one of the poorest excuses for a legitimate feature film that I have ever had the misfortune to endure."

David Cornelius

——

Santa's Slay (2005)

"It's cheap, it's goofy, but it's surprisingly smart and endlessly entertaining."

David Cornelius

——

The God Who Wasn't There (2005)

"Its arguments are too thin as seen here on their own... but it will get people thinking, talking, arguing."

David Cornelius

——

War of the Planets (2005)

"This is 82 minutes of utter lousiness, delivered right to your television set."

David Cornelius

——

Ngo joh aan gin diy gwai (My Left Eye Sees Ghosts) (2002)

"If nothing else, hey, at least we get to watch Sammi Cheng for a while."

David Cornelius

——

See Arnold Run (2005)

"What would you expect from a telepic written by the guy who gave us Category 6: Day of Destruction, starring the guy from Son of the Beach?"

David Cornelius

——

Gonggongui Jeog (Public Enemy) (Public's Enemy) (2002)

"Even in its darkest corners, the movie maintains its sense of fun, crashing us from idea to idea with a wink in its eye and a smirk on its face."

David Cornelius

——

Glass Trap (2005)

"It's one of those movies that looks like it was a gas to make. To watch, though? Not so much."

David Cornelius

——

The Clonus Horror (1979)

"Features all the good - and all the bad - of 70s sci-fi cheese."

David Cornelius

——

Miss Cast Away (2004)

"It is one of the most excruciating cinematic experiences of my life."

David Cornelius

——

Letter to the President (2005)

"What's not to love about a movie that features both Larry Flynt making fun of Bill O'Reilly and a professor of humanities quoting Biggie?"

David Cornelius

43%

Immortel (ad vitam) (Immortal) (2004)

"Immortal is as incoherent a story as you'll ever find. But it sure is pretty."

David Cornelius

——

The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

"One of the boob tube's biggest calamities, ranking somewhere in between "AfterMASH" and Craig Kilborn."

David Cornelius

——

Infection (Kansen) (2004)

"It's a masterwork of horror cinema, smartly constructed, effortlessly effective in delivering the goods."

David Cornelius

——

Black Cadillac (2003)

"It doesn't measure up to its influences, to be sure, but on its own, it stands as a nifty, doable chase picture."

David Cornelius

——

Cat and Mouse (Liu sue oi seung mau) (2003)

"Cat and Mouse is a movie that doesn't know what it wants to be, so it tries to be everything - and fails at too much of it."

David Cornelius

——

Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker/Filthy McNasty - Double Feature DVD (2003)

"Mulva is unquestionably among the very worst movies to ever land an official public release."

David Cornelius

——

Yakuza Papers: Vol.5 - Final Episode (2004)

"Fukasaku's work here is one of the finest moments in gangster cinema history. But it's also among the most exhausting."

David Cornelius

——

Yakuza Papers: Vol.4 - Police Tactics (2004)

"Fukasaku and Kasahara go for extreme nihilism here, telling us that every deal, every action, every death was all for nothing."

David Cornelius

——

Yakuza Papers: Vol.3 - Proxy War (2004)

"With Proxy War, Fukasaku reveals his Shakespearean intentions."

David Cornelius

——

Yakuza Papers: Vol.2 - Deadly Fight In Hiroshima (2004)

"A second chapter that's every bit as powerful as the first."

David Cornelius

——

Balto III: Wings of Change (2005)

"Wings of Change is one of those video efforts that will fade away all too quickly."

David Cornelius

——

Luk jong si (Six Strong Guys) (2004)

"These are characters you want to embrace, moments that will make you beam."

David Cornelius

——

Raw Force (Kung Fu Cannibals) (1982)

"It's cheap; it's tawdry; it's vulgar; and it's almost watchable in a cheesy sort of way."

Dan Lybarger

53%

Stealing Beauty (1996)

"Gorgeous Tuscan scenery and a breakthrough performance by Liv Tyler help make this sudsy flick entertaining."

Dan Lybarger

97%

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

"Not Kubrick's best, but often powerful, particularly for R. Lee Ermey's performance."

Dan Lybarger

94%

To Catch a Thief (2009)

"Vintage Hitchcock."

Dan Lybarger

92%

The Longest Day (1962)

"It is, and will most likely always remain, the definitve D-Day picture."

David Cornelius

——

Dracula 3000 (2004)

"This movie's one Ice-T or Dean Cain short of being a direct-to-video all-star parade."

David Cornelius

100%

Luis Bunuel's Robinson Crusoe (1954)

"It's sadly ironic that this terrific adaptation of the most celebrated castaway story of all has been missing for decades and unavailable for home viewing until now."

Dan Lybarger

90%

Persons of Interest (2004)

"Watching Persons of Interest makes a viewer realize how fragile the rights that make this country great can be. "

Dan Lybarger

70%

Criminal (2004)

"Criminal can be praised and damned for its fidelity to the Argentinean masterpiece Nine Queens."

Dan Lybarger

——

Justice League - Star Crossed: The Movie (2004)

"If you find yourself disappointed in recent live action superhero stuff, give this one a spin."

David Cornelius

——

Barely Brooke (2002)

"There's nothing that demonstrates so fully how meritless the world of modeling is than a full hour devoted to a photo shoot."

Oz

97%

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Oz

100%

High Fidelity (1989)

Oz

64%

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (1991)

Oz

84%

Kill Bill, Volume 2 (2004)

"Darryl Hannah practically steals the movie."

Thom Fowler

——

No Sleep 'Til Madison (2002)

"Sure, it's not polished, and yeah, some of it falls flat, but if stars were won for effort, talent and prospects for the future, everyone here would be reveling in the five's."

Oz

——

Red vs. Blue Season 1 ()

"The makers of Red Vs Blue have used actual Halo video game footage and voiceover dialogue to create a piece of animation that looks a million bucks and will have you howling."

Oz

85%

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

Oz

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