The Captain is the 4th episode of the third season of New Girl, the 54th episode overall.
A vengeful Schmidt targets Jess and Nick's relatively happy relationship. Meanwhile, when Winston learns that Furguson the cat must be neutered, he is determined to give this feline one last night of carnal glory.
In Nick's room, both Nick and Jess just finish having sex. They both express how excited they are about their relationship. Jess suggests that they both take a break and discuss their childhood and what their feelings (thoughts, past, fears, etc.) Nick hesitates and throws a "curve ball" saying he's going to go "banana it" and then go for round 2. Jess doesn't know what "banana it" means and Nick explains it means "eat a banana" much to Jess' relief.
Outside of the bedroom, Schmidt covers his ears complaining about how much noise Nick and Jess are making. Winston tells him he's going to have to get used to it, now that he's single. Schmidt says he's fine with the fact that he lost both Cece and Elizabeth (from the previous episode) but still vows to separate Nick and Jess. Winston informs him that both Nick and Jess are "bulletproof" and should invest in what Winston calls a "survival kit": a bag filled with equipment used cover up any discomfort when someone is having sex. Nick and Jess walk out of the room (Nick eating a banana) and go to the bathroom to have more sex.
Later that night, Winston talks to Nick and Jess as they're eating dinner. Winston says that he needs to get his cat Furguson neutered, and is thinking of a way to get his cat to have a sexual encounter with another cat. Nick and Jess jokingly suggest "cat Bachelor party" before the operation, with cat strippers. Winston gets the idea of getting his cat "laid" before the operation. As Winston walks away, Schmidt walks in with a cake designed as the number 1, to commemorate Nick and Jess' one month anniversary. Nick and Jess don't trust Schmidt since he vowed that he would break the two of them up.
Nick walks into Schmidts room asking what the cake was for. Schmidt claims that he's just happy for the two of them, since Nick never had a relationship (except Caroline) that lasted more than a month. As they talk, Schmidt puts thoughts in Nicks head to freak him out by repeating words such as "the one", "love", Nicks ability to "overthink" his relationships. Nick knows Schmidt is attempting to get into his head, and tells him it's not going to work.
Nick and Jess make out on the bed. It appears that Nick is overthinking things which makes him not get "aroused" by Jess kissing him. Not getting aroused has never happened to Nick before, so Jess tells him to sit back and let her take care of things. She attempts a series of moves to get Nick aroused including sexually reading a Chinese menu, meditation, reverse psychology, dancing in front of Nick, painting her face blue to become Papa Smurf, and finally with Nick's permission, punching him in the face. None of this works and the sun comes up.
Winston goes to a pet store to search for a female cat. While there, he meets a woman named Kylie (Riki Lindhome) who has a female cat named Fatty. Winston and Kylie begin to talk saying that his "boy cat" is looking for a "girl cat". Kylie becomes infatuated with Wisnton and talk about setting a play date for their cats.
Back at the loft, Jess and Nick are eating breakfast. Jess attempts to talk to Nick, but Nick freaks out again and goes to move his car. Jess, feeling neglected, sits alone. Schmidt walks in to talk to Jess. Jess doesn't want to talk about their sex problems, especially with Schmidt. Schmidt understands since he's not their favorite person in the world, but offers his help if she ever needs any. Jess is about to take some advice from, but refuses at first. Schmidt points out that men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives, and hopes that it's not too late. Jess then wants to get a little more information from Schmidt. Schmidt talks about how Nick likes some dark and pretty gruesome sex moves that he's used on other women. He blurts out one sex move called "The Captain", but says Jess probably isn't ready for that. Jess asks what "The Captain" is. Schmidt begins to explain, and with every dirty detail involving the Captain, he turns the blender on (making a smoothie in the process.) Jess appears freaked out and unsure about the Captain after Schmidt finishes explaining.
Later that night, Kylie comes over with her cat Fatty and Winston brings his cat so the two of them can hook up. Unbeknownst to Winston, Kylie also wants to have sex with Winston too. At the same time, Jess walks into Nicks room and performs the Captain on him, much to Nick's fear.
When they finish, Jess and Nick are uncomfortable with what they've just done. Jess aks Nick what she did wrong during the act (since Nick was uncomfortable during the Captain). Nick reveals that he's never done the Captain in his life and only did it because he though Jess wanted to. Jess didnt' want to do it because the move was offensive to women and all of mankind, and that Schmidt said it was one of Nick's favorite moves. Nick gets angry about the fact that Jess talked to Schmidt about his penis problems. Jess defends herself by saying that anytime they tried talking about their problems he went to move his car. She tells Nick that they "have" to talk to each other since they are in a relationship and begin to realize that this was Schmidt getting in their heads and that he set the whole thing up. They storm out of the room to yell at Schmidt, who is sitting on the couch waiting for them. He points out that their failure to communicate is their flaw (Jess only wants to talk about their feelings and Nick only wants to talk about the Chicago "Brown" Bears). Schmidt suggests that they all go back to being friends, unless Nick has something he wants to say. Nick doesn't say anything though, which hurts Jess. Schmidt then walks away saying "enjoy the breakup." Nick suddenly intervenes and begins to talk about his feelings, which shocks Jess.
Nick talks about some of the things he likes and dislikes (even the Captain) and that he's not scared about being in a relationship with Jess. Jess is happy with the fact that Nick is expressing himself and tells him to kiss her. They head to Jess' bedroom, but Schmidt follows storming into Jess' room to stop them from having more sex. Schmidt puts his whole body in between Nick and Jess to stop them and ruin the moment.
Meanwhile, as Nick, Jess, and Schmidt argue, Winston watches Furguson and Fatty attempt to engage in cat sex while Kylie tries turn him on. Winston gets distracted by the noise from Nick, Jess, and Schmidt and believes the cats won't have sex with all that noise.
Schmidt storms into Nicks room and cuts up his condums, and then to the bathroom to get rid of Jess' birth control pills. Instead of throwing her pills donw the sink, Schmidt swollows them himself. Kylie witnesses this and is grossed out. Winston walks in later and tells them to keep quiet since the cats were just about to have sex. Kylie then realizes that Winston only wanted to get the cats laid than sleep with her. Feeling embarassed, Kylie gets Fatty and leaves. Winston calls a loft meeting.
At the couch, Schmidt is beginning to feel the affects of the birth control pills. Jess points out that she's going through a sexual awaking with Nick. Winston points out that they're having sex, not inventing it. He then tells Schmidt that he needs to stop blaming other people and deal with his break ups. Jess tells Schmidt that he did a bad thing and that he needs to deal with it. Nick, Jess, and Winston head off to bed. Schmidt stays behind on the couch, grasping a pillow as he comes to terms with what he did.
Schmidt goes to Cece's apartment with a letter. He places it under her mat. Cece is going out on a date and reads the letter. She places her chewing gum in the letter and throws it away. Schmidt witnesses this and goes into depression.
Nick escorts Jess into his room with her eyes covered. When she opens her eyes, she finds that Nick placed a bunch of emtpy egg crates around his room. He explains that he attempted to soundproof the room. When they test out the soundproofed room, Winston storms in when he head Jess scream.
When Winston leaves, Jess tells Nick that the last month since they've been in a relationship has been the best month of her life. Nick feels the same, and begins to express what he's feeling again, extensively.