Posted on 7/25/13 08:47 AM
You were a success in the 90's. You were firing guns in every direction and you were popular. Heathers, True Romance, what more would a star want? You worked with the likes of Tony Scott and you were living the wanted life. It all started with Alone in the Dark, didn't it? You star in a film written by Quentin Tarantino, and later on you star in a Uwe Boll film. That's when you really started to fall apart. Assassin's Bullet was the one through the heart. Donald Sutherland was in that film, but he bounced back. It doesn't matter if he had to be involved with a rehashed YA book-to-film series. At least he's involved in a film considered to be GOOD. Don't get me wrong, I thought The Hunger Game movie was kinda bad, but it's a goddamn Robert Altman movie compared to what you're in nowadays. Cut to 2013, you're in this turkey. 0%, huh? I'm not surprised. Looking at your filmography, I might as well put this up: CHRISTIAN SLATER: 1969-1993, because in the eyes of competent moviegoers everywhere, you're dead. R.I.P, man. It was fun while it lasted. What happened to you, man? Your ass used to be beautiful. And yes, I'm using that Jackie Brown quote to ask you, right here and right now, what in the hell happened to you. Whatever it is, you better wise up because seriously, I swear to God, movies like Stranded is what will get you killed. I'm not threatening you, man. But one day, you might come home and see a big bag of powder just waiting on your couch, and after looking back on your life and asking yourself, "Why did I star in Stranded? Or Assassin's Bullet? And why in the name of the Lord did I star in Alone in the Dark?", you're also gonna find yourself slowly making all that powder disappear with a 20-dollar bill. When you're sucking down that last breath, and the gates of paradise are opening for your entrance, you might as well tell 'em Freddy sent ya, because you are not gonna want to tell them the real reason. "Why am I here? I starred in Stranded." That's just embarrassing.