Bloody Fig Newton

By Jerry Benedict/Jay Cutler

FADE IN:

EXT. EDGE: NIGHT

Dan Markowitz, 23, is driving his police cruiser.  His partner, Johnny, 32, is looking out the window.  He notices something outside the window and grabs Dan's arm viciously.

Johnny

Yo, man, what the fuck is this shit!?  I didn't sign up for this!

Dan

Listen, Johnny.  We fuckin signed up to observe and report.  So what if the town.....is being attacked by Fig Newtons.  We report this shit, and get the fuck outta here.

Johnny 

Okay, man!  I'm just wondering what happened here.

Dan

It's obvious.  Fuckin' Fig Newtons are alive and are fuckin' eating everyone.

Camera pans out to reveal the town of Jacksonville in shambles.  People are running amok.  Homes are on fire.  And Fig Newtons are everwhere.  

Return to Dan and Johnny.  Dan is driving swiftly, and wildly.  Johnny looks out the window.  He sees a Fig Newton  crawling up his window.

Johnny

Aw, FUCK!  There's one on the fuckin' window.

Without hesitation, Johnny pulls his gun out, and shoots the window, missing the Fig Newton.  Johnny continues to fire at the delicious treat to no avail.  Finally, Johnny gets one good shot on the Fig Newton, destroying it.  However, a large Fig Newton walks in the middle of the road.

Dan

HOLY SHIT!!!!

The car smashes into the Fig Newton, but swirves wildly into 1992 Honda Civic, flipping that car, and totalling the police cruiser.  The Honda twirls in the air before smashing into the house of it's owner.

FADE TO BLACK

Pan to the totalled police cruiser.  Johnny crawls out, maimed and bloodied, and stands up.  He glances down and notices a Fig Newton making it's way towards him.  Panicking, he stomps on the treat.

Johnny

You enjoy that?

Then, Johnny notices to the left of him a huge figure is coming towards him.  As  he turns around, fear engulfs him.  For the object he sees, is the huge Fig Newton.

Fig Newton (Voice)

That was my cousin, motherfucker.

The large Fig Newton pounces on Johnny, and procedes to eat him whole.  While this is happening, Dan crawls away.

FADE TO BLACK