i've decided to start kicking it old school and try to take up posting on the old horror thread again
it's really not that good. or news. it's just something i'm doing.
"AH! hagima (stop)!!! no whistle!!!" -cabbie. about 10 minutes ago.
at which point he began to jerk the steering wheel and, along with it, the car wildly all over the road. he did this to indicate that whistling in his taxi could very well cause him to crash the car in a horrific manner. in the process almost causing us to crash. in what would probably have ended up being a horrific, and firey, manner. god bless these taxi drivers. also, i think he was drunk.
so did i ever tell you guys about pube guy? the gym that i go to is a decent size. however, the male change room is super small for some reason. the shower room is big. but i don't use the showers there anymore. because i'm tired of the koreans staring at my crotch the whole time. like, literally. all of them, the whole time. blatantly. i'll stand for it at the urinals, because i have to. but now i just shower when i get home. but that's neither here nor there. in the change room there's one mirror. and a lot of times when i go in there, either to change into my shorts, or to change out of them, there's some guy standing in front of the mirror. and he's naked. and he's using the little hairdryer provided to blowdry his groin area. which is fine, but he does it for a really long time. i can't say how long, because he's usually doing when i go in, and still doing it when i leave. at first, i thought it was pretty funny. then unsettling after i saw him a few more times. finally it just made me angry. who's this guy to bogart the mirror and hairdryer for such a long time. if he's there tomorrow i'm totally going to kick his ass. i'll probably wait until he gets dressed first i suppose. but god knows how long that will take.
one of my neighbors now owns a rooster. i don't know why anyone not living on a farm would ever possibly own a rooster. and i certainly don't know why anyone living in a city, that did not wish to be murdered eventually by me would do so either. but there you have it. i don't really know how long it's been around, but i do know that i first took notice of it tuesday morning, at around 5, when it began to crow. and continued to crow for the next hour, pretty much every minute. i spent the entire next day cranky and mad. and craving corn flakes. and it happened the next morning, and the next. and possibly the weekend too, but i wasn't home in time to hear it. so my mission for the week is to venture out of my house in the wee hours and find this rooster. and if it won't listen to reason, to cut it's motherfucking head off. i don't really know how big to make my search area, because i don't know how far rooster crying travels. i do know, however, that if i can pull this off, i shall become some sort of korean folk hero for the ages. which has been my plan all along.
i taught some of my kids the theme song to sanford and son. and they now sing it damn near constantly. i never thought that song could get old. and yet.....
that crazy religion lady at the store tried to convince me to go to thanksgiving dinner at her church this weekend. my claims that i am canadian and our thanksgiving is in october fell on deaf ears. so i was forced to throw some flour in her eyes and hightail it out of there. i am not looking forward to the next time i have to go in there.
this weekend was good times. my friend vicki, through a horrible misunderstanding, was fired from her job and is now going home this week. so we had a little bash for her on friday night. it turned pretty crazy. i was forced, or "forced" to tackle a young man off of the stage, because he was drunk and yelling into various microphones while bands were trying to play music. luckily, he was skinny and i took him down to chinatown with little to no trouble. in gratutude, the band allowed me to drunkenly yell into microphones. or "sing", which is always fun. actually, it was ronan that i tackled. we both did a wonderful rendition of twist and shout together. later that night, scottish amy fell down somewhere and knocked one of her teeth out. luckily, a young kiwi woman knew how to fix this and grabbed amy's face and shoved the tooth right back into her jaw. and it held fast too. then her and her boy went to huckleberrytown to find an all night dentist. she hasn't been answering her phone since. also, some new girl tried to make out with ike, then me, and then hot sauce, then the chad, then a korean guy who speaks english. after exhausting all her english-speaking possibilities, she moved on to the real koreans, and eventually found one to make out with. god bless her slutty little heart.
saturday night we went to see the departed. it was totally badass. leonardo dicaprio rocked the shit out of that movie. as did mark wahlberg. we watched movies at the sauce's today. the chad wants me to tell you people that he is not the sex-crazed party animal i may have made him out to be over the past year. i'm not saying i agree or disagree. you people have the facts. he just told me to tell you. that's it. i love you all.
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"that's it. she wouldn't make out with me. i'm fighting someone tonight" - the chad, who is back
success! after weeks and weeks and weeks of trying i've finally been able to teach a child something useful. i'm not sure if i've ever really mentioned this, but teaching kids stuff is hard. because, first of all, kids are dumb. they're like little retarded people on speed. only instead of finger painting and staring at trees all day they prefer punching me in the nuts, and driving me insane with their constant "why?"-ing. plus, and this is important, they don't speak english. i mean, if someone had told me that foreign people didn't speak english i never would have agreed to come over to this godless place. but this week i had a major breakthrough with one special little child. she is 7 years old, and her name is sue. and for the past 4 months, i've been calling her chop suey. for a while she hated it, as all these kids do when you fuck with their names (so, naturally, i do it constantly. louie is louie armstrong, but he came up with that. alvin is now simon, sally is mustang, all jacks are jackjack, and so on) then she learned to tolerate it, when it became apparent that i would never stop. now i think she kind of likes it. all the other kids also join in the fun, and use the stupid names i give them, and it makes them feel important. so anyway, i've been telling her that sue is, in fact, short for chop suey, and that shortened names are low class and vulgar. even though the kids don't understand me, i still enjoy imparting my wisdom on them. she never understood. not with my diagrams, hand gestures, sock puppets or anything. then this week it hit me. the korean teachers! they're bilingual. but they don't understand enough english to question anything i say. so i got kelly to come in and explain, in korean, that sue is short for chop suey. apparently she didn't know that either.
this week was hella exciting, as my old pal the chad is back from his two month hiatis. and to celebrate, we had ribs. well, we didn't really. i just enjoy saying that. i was, however, forced to abandon my "no weekday drinking" rule for once, and party it up on thursday when he got here. so we all met up at pearl jam and drank some drinks. drinks with some sort of ingredient in them that somehow alters one's perception of the world around him. or her, i guess. i found myself thinking that i was the strongest and most handsomest guy around. and that's just not true. caleb beats me up constantly, as he's a moose in a plaid shirt. anyways, we then went to buzz bar, where the chad went on to ooze up to every korean girl in the joint and hit on them in front of their boyfriends. he came back with more numbers than he should have, considering. the guy at buzz loves us. he kept giving us free nachos. and we ate them with gusto. then we went to the noribong, which i haven't been to in forever, and spent like 2 hours there, singing our little hearts out. it was hot as balls in there though, and we all almost died. especially me. but they had Yatta there. we sang it like 9 times, though we don't speak japanese. if you don't know what yatta is, then you must watch this. and yes, i know you've seen it joey, cause you're a big dork, but this is for people who don't.
this weekend we raged hardcore in seoul. because raging in seoul what you have to do. we went in in the afternoon and went to wesley's cause i had to drop some shit off. then we went off. the boys were playing a show in a new place on hooker hill. you know what? i'm sick of typing. and you guys are sick of reading i would imagine. so fuck this. i'm out. see you in hell bitches. ok, i'm sorry. you're not all bitches. just some of you. and little phil is a fucker. all you really need to know is that i stayed at adams and when i woke up this morning he was passed out in his shower. and he threw a hamburger at a passing korean at some point. and that i am a god damn dancing machine. and the chad had sex, cause he always does. it was good times. we also spent an ungodly amount of time deciding which transformer we all were about about 6 this morning. i was bumblebee, but i demand a recount. good bye. i love you all.
"oh ma-teh (matt). you shave! yesterday you look like farm man. today you look like new york city man" - kelly, a co-teacher
i was growing out my beard. not because i wanted to you see. but because koreans don't deal with facial hair very well, since they are unable to grow it. and it really freaks them out. and you people know how much i enjoy that. not only that, but i'm lazy and, since i don't own an electric razor over here, shaving is simply too much of a chore for me. so anyway, my children all enjoyed it, and would spend most of our classtime running up to me, climbing up my body and rubbing my face. then laughing wildly. which they do often. my co-workers, however, did not enjoy it so much. well, david and barney did, because they're dudes. the ladies, however, thought i was trying to be some sort of mountain man. they don't understand that beards are totally awesome. i explained to them that all the coolest people have beards. you think about that. you got all the great deadwood characters, lincoln, all sorts of 18th century scientists....burt reynolds. i had to shave it though, as the itch was overcoming my laziness. and that's pretty much all you need to know about my face.
caleb got a new gigantic tv. since he's planning on living here for the rest of his life. and it's wonderful. matty got to watch jaws in giant form. so matty was very happy. you know when that kid on the raft gets eaten by jaws (because yes, that is the shark's name, if you must know)? awesome! and when he's being eaten on a screen that bigger than my apartment, it's even more awesome. a child's shark death is a great thing in itself, but my god. my one regret in life is that time i could have gone to a midnight movie of jaws back in like grade 9 or 10, but i didn't. i was all like, "meh. they'll be plenty more midnight screenings, i'll just go to one of them". but it turns out that midnight showing of 30-year-old movies are not as abundant as one might think. and to see that movie on the big screen would be like having sex with, like, 30 swedish girls. that are made of chocolate. but alas, it's not meant to be. i was born too late. thanks mom and dad. jaws is my favorite movie. if only they'd make one in 3-D. or with michael caine. that would be totally swell.
this week was good. it was peperro day on saturday. i explained this to you people last year. while the rest of the world celebrates dead soldiers and the like, the koreans give each other chocolate covered cookie sticks, or pepperos. that's the holiday. that's all it consists of. it would be like if we a funyuns day, or an oh henry day. because, you know, lest we forget the fine people at nestle, and the sacrifices they make every day to give the world such a delicious treat. but either way, my kiddies gave me an awful lot of pepperos, which is great, because i was just thinking the other day that i could use about 700 chocolate cookie sticks.
friday night we went out to dinner for ryans birthday, which went by without incident. why is it that everyone else gets to have lovely birthdays in this country, but when it's matthew's turn something terrible happens. it's not fair dammit. then we went out and had some drinks and whatnot. on saturday a few of us went to see silent hill, which just opened here. it was actually better than i thought it would be. since it's a video game movie i did not have high expectations. but then, since it was made by the same guy that made brotherhood of the wolf, i kind of did. and like that movie, it was pretty badass. the korean guy next to me was certainly scared by it, and whimpered to himself more than a few times. however, unike brotherhood of the wolf, it did not have a naked hooker-nun-assassin played by monica bellucci. so that knocks it down a couple of pegs, as that woman is unreal. today i slept and dozed and napped while watching more episodes of the shield with the sauce. we also ate pizza. you guys, pizza is delicious. fyi.
that's it. i love you all.
"Cunting, Arsing, FUCK!!!" - Amy, after burning herself on her stove
why is it that a scottish person can say things that would sound offensive in a north american accent and make them charming? it isn't fair.
have i ever told you guys about the beatings that go on at my school. i hate them so much. not because of the actual beatings, which i totally have no problem with, but because 1) they're very loud and interupt my phone teaching and 2) i'm not allowed to get involved. i usually finish my classes at about 7:15, and then have to do an hour of what is called, appropriately, phone checking. this consists of me calling various students on the telephone and chatting with them for a few minutes. it's alright most of the time, considering they don't speak english, and i can't use my hands and body to get my point across. however, at this time the high school kids come in for their classes, but we don't teach them. they have some korean ringers in to teach them. but they don't really teach. they just wander the halls watching the kids while they study, or do tests, or something. but it has to be total silence or else. or else what? or else they get beaten. in the feet. very, very loudly. it usually goes like this. translated for your convenience
teacher: shut up.
*five minutes later*
teacher: shut up!!!!
*two minutes later*
teacher: god dammit! come with me.
student: no. i'll be good!! noooo!!!!
and what follows is that the student gets taken out to the lobby, has to put a foot in the air, and the teacher will beat the sole of that foot, vigorously, for quite some time. using a...i actually don't know what they use. then the student limps back to class, i assume plotting a way out of this turkish prison. either way, i want to do it. and the parents have no problem with it. it's so awesome. it's like the 1950's all over again. back when being a nun had the sole benefit of a hittin' stick. kids these days are too damn cushy, with their cell phones and MTV....sock hops.
i'm sick and tired of people refusing to ride in elevators with me. it's ridiculous. i'm a teddy bear. i don't look or act threatening, but if i happen to enter my building at the same time as a korean person, even if one elevator is on the 1st floor and the other is on the 15th, the korean will, without question, push the button for the 15th floor one, and wait for it, so as to not ride with me. which makes sense, as elevators provide the ideal location to put my "rape and/or murder any asian person i see for the rest of my life" plan into action. and i think they can tell by looking into my eyes. my freakish, blue eyes. anyways, it makes me sad. i usually end up spending the rest of the night curled into a fetal position in the corner of my apartment, sobbing.
this week was good. as i mentioned above, amy cooked me and ross dinner on thursday. something called "stovies". which i'd never heard of, but is apparently quite popular on the other side of the pond. well, the atlantic pond. all i have here is the god damn china sea. and the sea of japan. either way, seas are totally gay. stovies are quite delicious. it's really just potatoes and onions and corned beef and other stuff. we also watched the royal tenenbaums and drank some beer. jesus, it's like god damn family day here in this pc room. it's all fathers and sons and mothers and daughters, not communicating in any way, but playing warcraft next to each other. warms the heart.
friday night a bunch of us went to see the prestige, which i thought was kick ass. after that we went to road king and got drunk and sang beach boys songs. that brian wilson was a genius. saturday me and the sauce got some pizza and finished season one of the shield, which is a great show. then we watched a movie called green street hooligans, about soccer hooligans. who reside on a green street. it was good. lots of fighting and general no-good-ness. then i went home and showered and the like, and then went over to caleb's and played cranium with caleb and ike and the sauce and ryan and brinny and carrie-ann. then went to road king again, because the footie boys had a game in town that day, and the visiting team stayed over and some of them had a band, which played. they were alright. no g-jay though. that's caleb and ike and tony the pony and ryan's band. which played at pearl jam later that night. also, amy gave me her old mini mp3 player. it's quite small, but she filled it with new pornographers and tool, so matty is a happy boy again.
that's it for this week. i love you all
"get this crazy fool away from me. you ain't no REAL indian! a real indian wouldn't dress and act like a crazy fool!" - Mr. T
they've started showing re-runs of the A team on tv here and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. that line, and BA's absolutely brilliant delivery of that line, made me laugh for 3 days straight. i'm still kind of laughing at it. the korean next to me is pissed because he's trying to concentrate on his game of Warcraft and doesn't need me giggling in his ear. but he keeps blowing smoke at me, so it's either keep this up or punch him in the crotch. either way, revenge!
have you ever dressed up in a lab-coat covered in fake blood and bloody handprints, and gave yourself a black eye and smeared fake blood all over your mouth and in your hair? and then, when you're all gussied up in said manner, wandered around town in a place where many people don't understand the concept of halloween? it was one of the only times i can think of where many koreans actually tried to avoid looking at me. i think some of them were embarrassed for me. i think they assumed i was unaware of my attire and wished they could tell me, only they didn't speak english and, moreso, didn't want to talk to me. you throw in some yelling at random children on the street and you've got yourself a good day.
people have been asking me about this whole nuclear thing going down up north and how i was feeling about it. i found the whole thing to be terribly exciting. life in canada was so dull, in that i never felt any real threat of being blown up by a bomb. but bombs are cool man. and kim jong il is cool too. he might be crazy, but he's crazy like a fox. plus, he gets to have sex with, like, anyone he wants to. plus, he doesn't wear pants. if i was rich and crazy and had nukes i'd dress like i worked at a garage too. and i would also totally have a pompadour hairstyle. god damn. well, i suppose i could probably do the hair thing now. but i don't have his panache, so i doubt i could pull it off. and i'm not 5 feet tall. anyhow, in the end he'll get what he wants, cause he always does. he'll still drink his fancy cognac and have sex with 13 year olds while his people all die of starvation. honestly, i wish they would invade us, and take over just so he could be MY ruler too. we could hang out, play computer games and shit. i think it would be sweet until i beat him at mariokart and he shot me in the face and fed me to his sharks. that's some serious james bond shit there, sharks.
anyways, another successful week in the ju. i got paid, i got to dress up for halloween, i...made chicken. delicious chicken. me and the sauce started watching the shield, which seems to be a quality show thus far. tv on the internet is the best invention ever. um...oh! hi pusspuss! the halloween party last night was pretty killer. me and wesley showed a little early cause we were bored, and we were the only ones dressed up for like 45 minutes. but as we looked awesome, it didn't matter much. there was plenty of costumes, some good, some lame. speaking of which, i would like pictures from all you motherfuckers from whatever festivities you partook in this weekend. i love halloween. and wesley, once again, did not sleep at my place. every time he comes to town he claims he's crashing at my place, and yet somehow always ends up asleep in a park or under a car somewhere. which is fine by me. anyhow, that's it for this week. i hope everyone else's weekend was killer. happy daylight savings weekend. i love you all.
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"matt-teacher!! korea speak!! yes! yes! yes! come on!!! now now now now!!!"
- little harry potter
that's his english name. little harry potter. he chose it himself. anyway,
my younger students have become enamoured with me speaking korean to them in
class. they think it's the most entertaining thing since everything else i
do. other inane things i do to impress them and make them love me include
dramically whipping off my glasses and doing a very serious face, saying
"yes" in the style of that simpsons character that had a strooooke when they want to ask a question, kicking them, having mad stare-offs with them,
pretending to fall down, actually falling down, calling them stupid,
refusing to call them by their real names, and other such tomfoolery. i love
these kiddies. i'm taking them all home with me. why is it that little china
kiddies are so much cuter that little punkass white kiddies? well, to a
point. once they hit 8 or 9 they stop being cute and start irritating me to
no end. and if they're fat, or ugly, man don't even get me started. but that
there is my problem, so you don't need to worry your pretty little heads
about it. and chubby little whities are cute too mandi. eliot is a fine
looking little chap. heh. little harry potter. just looking at this kid
cracks me up. because he has a voice that sounds like he's been smoking for
about 40 years, and his mom dyes his hair. he's got highlights all over his
little head. plus he knows kung fu. but then, i AM in asia. it should be
assumed that everyone does.
this was a good week. things have still been pretty quiet, as me and the
sauce still have no friends. but next weekend should be epic, cause the
chad, ike and caleb are back in the ju. it's all very exciting. me and hs
decided that we had to finish off the deadwood seasons before people got
back, so that's how we spent most of our nights. on monday we went out to a mr. pizza to buy pizza. this was because tae kyeong, who is the only korea
who knows jason's address, and therefore is the only person in the world
that can order pizza for us over the phone, wasn't around. i think she was
at a belly dancing class or something. so we had to go buy our own. and we
caused quite a stir among the employees. during the 15 minute wait for our
pizza, we had to take pictures with three different people, and have a
broken english conversation with pretty much all of them. but they gave us
free coke and a bunch of extra dipping sauces, so i guess in the end it all
worked out for the best. except that night i had some crazy insomnia. i
turned out the lights at around 3 and i tossed and turned until close to 7.
it's really annoying seeing your room slowly fill up with light when all you
want to do is sleep. i love sleep. it's like crack to me. and not getting it
when i want it makes me want to punch babies. i demand instant gratification in everything i do. i've always said that anything that doesn't pay off
instantly isn't worth doing. which is why i'm not a gymnast, a karate
master, can't play the drums, or the guitar, am a poor water polo player at
best, can't juggle OR ride a unicycle, and everything else i've ever tried
and quickly stopped trying. effort is best left up to the oxen. anyways, the
rest of the week passed uneventfully. well, thursday was parents day at
school, so i had to dress up spiffylike and try to talk to the parents, who
speak less english than their kids. basically myself and barney were eye
candy. which is fine, seeing as how we're both sexy-ass gentlemen. then they had a seminar and me and barn had to take the kids downstairs for ice cream cones. it was horrible. having to deal with 20 screaming 6 year olds, all either vying for your attention or trying to run outside, is not what i
signed on for. at least in a classroom you're somewhat of an authority
figure. this was neutral territory, and all bets were off. but in the end no
children died, and we only had to smack around 5 or 6 of them.
friday we went out a-partying, and saturday we did the same. you know how that goes by now. alright, that's it for me. have a good week everyone. i love you all.
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"hey, come on. we don't want to make out with you or anything. we don't like boys either. see, something in common." - adam
those lesbians were awesome. our new best friends.
let me tell you about what's gay, and what's not gay, in korea. they have all their shit backwards here, and damn you to hell if you try to tell them otherwise. much like fan death. even the doctors and scientists believe it to be a fact. ok, so gayness. koereans are not gay. none of them. because it's not allowed. it's actually a point of pride for the country. no homos, whatsoever. or such is the story. big gay jeff's bed (now hot sauce's bed, much to his dislike) would tell you otherwise, could it talk. that guy had sex with an awful lot of koreans. as soon as they found out he was openly gay, they were all over him. because to have sex with another korean means instant banishment to the north. where they also don't tolerate it. but they also exhibit lots and lots of behavior that in a normal society (read: mine) would be construed as kinda gay. these include, but are not limited to; wearing pink t-shirts with photos of topless gentlemen on them. usually david beckham, but i've seen a couple of ushers, and, oddly, a phillip seymour hoffman. also, they are extremely close and touchy talkers. the drunker they get the moreso they are. they will sit next to you and tell you you are handsome and touch your face with reckless abandon, all the while their other hand will be on your thigh. well, your thigh if you're lucky. also, they hold hands. a lot. you will always see middle aged men walking down the street, holding each other's hand. that's fine. if a guy wants to feel up my thigh, i'm down. it's just their way. however, they give me a hard time and think it's the weirdest thing ever if i go to see a movie with the chad, or the sauce. or any male. because movies are for groups of females, families, and people on dates. and that's all. ever. we get stared at and giggled at like crazy when we go. because we are obviously going to be making out in the back. they're usually disappointed though, because all that ever really happens is the chad gets drunk and starts yelling at the screen. we've all been trying to figure out exactly what will get you made fun of and what won't in this country, but the list is far too expansive to ever be completely finished. but then, we're all a little gay. so i guess they're not wrong. moving on
this weekend was good. friday night i went to the gym after work and then went home to eat. that was as exciting as it got. after my week of debauchery in china, i figured a slow weekend would be in order. so i went over to the sauce's and we watched a movie and some deadwood and drank a few beers and took it easy. which is fine as we have no friends anymore. then the sauce kicked me out because he had to go into seoul in the morning to buy hockey equipment. so i came here. that was about it.
saturday i went to seoul. to hang out with waylon. and take it easy. few beers, few laughs. no big deal. but it occured to me while trying to wake up adam at about 9 this morning, because he had passed out in a mcdonalds and i wanted to go home and sleep finally, that these things rarely work out like i'd planned. things started out well enough. hanging at waylons, eating some pizza, drinking some beer, watching family guy episodes. then adam called and asked if we wanted to go out. we figured why not. for a little while at least. so we met him and gunner and ju-hee and justin at a place called gold 2, and then went to tin pan alley. but it was insanely crowded in there, so we left after a few minutes. then the couples (waylon/hae kyoung, warren/some bitch, gunner/ju-hee) wanted to go somewhere quiet while me and adam and justin wanted to go someplace a-jumping. so we went to M2, and they went somewhere lame. we danced up a storm there, with some australians. then i almost got into a fight with a korean guy over something, i don't remember, so we figured it was time to go, because they outnumbered us 5000 to 3. from there we went to iteawan to polly's kettle, or soju pollys, as it's affectionately known among us foreigners stupid enough to go there. it's at the top of hooker hill and is known for it's soju/lemonade/sprite/kool-aid concoction that really, reeeaally hits the spot at 4 in the morning. oh wait, this was after we bought an entire roasted chicken from an old lady on the street, which adam decided was too hot, and deserved to be thrown into a brick wall. but then he felt bad about it and bought us burgers. me and justin ate some off the ground, but quickly realized where we were and stopped. at polly's we met a group of lesbians, and spent the rest of the night with them. the jury is still out on whether they actually were lesbians, but they were awfully affectionate with each other. and they were awesome. they could move. but they didn't have my moves. which was proved beyond a doubt when billy jean came on. anyways, we spent a couple of hours with them. then the sun came out and we figured we should head back to our neck of the woods. our cabbie was awesome. he played led zeppelin and rocked the fuck out. we were singing whole lotta love to other cabs at red lights, scaring the hell out of them. and this cabbie laughed the entire was home. then we figured we needed mcchickens. so we bought some. and that's when adam passed out in his french fries. so i had to basically carry him home. and stop him from running into the street, which he really seemed intent on doing. so that was my weekend. it's the first time we've raged that hardcore in seoul in a long time. it was good times my friends, gooood times. anyhow, i'm out. i love you all.
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Shanghai. was. AWESOME!!!
it was all full of homeless chinamen and people trying to steal our money and crowds like you wouldn't believe. i mean, like, picture an ant farm, but with buildings and shit. gigantic, multi-colored, ridiculously shaped buildings. and there's techno music blaring at you wherever you go. here's the breakdown, for those of you who care to read it. adventures galore. i'm sure i'll forget alot, but you'll get the gist
DAY 1: i spent the night with wesley in seoul so i wouldn't have to wake up at 5 to get the bus from the ju. we caught a bus outside his house and met gunner at the airport. we checked in and wandered around, looking for something to drink. the koreans, it seems, don't care for liquids when travelling, because we found nothing. except soju, of course, but that's a given. then our flight was delayed an hour, so we decided the make up our china aliases. i called short round. so gunner figured it would make sense to be indy. adam, true to his character, was kate capshaw. flew over, no problem. except koreans are unable to sit down on airplanes ever, and mill about like it was an indian flea market. it's annoying. we took a bus into the city. this bus claimed it would drop us off at the proper place, but he just wanted our money and did not drop us anywhere near where we needed to go. that pretty much set the tone for the week. we wandered around looking for a cheap hotel since we'd made no arrangements for anything beforehand. anything at all. because that's how we roll. we figured since everything was super cheap we'd stay in a nice place, so we checked into the pacific hotel, which, before shanghai's boom, was it's fanciest place. it's gone down in stature some, but it's still pretty ok. then we went to a restaurant and ate snake heads and bullfrog. and some sort of mushroom and crab dish that was awfully tasty. snakeheads, however, did not live up to our expectations. anyhow, next came the shanghai'ing. apparently, when someone in this city comes to you and asks if you like ladies, you just walk away. but we said "sure" and then he asked if we liked beer. once again, sure. then he asked if we'd like to come to a club for a beer because it was very nice and there were many ladies. we figured why not. but his club turned out to be a series of rooms with couches. we sat down and they brought three girls in to hang out with us. and then proceeded to serve these girls drinks, one after another. after their third whiskey, we figured it was high time to get the fuck out of dodge. but we were stopped by the owner and some other gentlemen, who insisted that we pay him $350 for our three beers. we told them to get fucked and tried to leave, but the owner (who could say three things: "you sit!", "you pay!!" and "i shanghai number 1!!!", while hitting his chest) decided to go crazy town and started ranting and screaming. then he broke a martini glass on a table and held it to my throat. since i enjoy my blood, we gave them a hundred bucks. he wasn't happy about it, but he no longer had murder on his mind. after that we went back to the hotel and turned in.
DAY 2: we wandered around shanghai checking out the sights. not much happened. the chad came to meet us that night and we went to eat. we ordered duck, which on the menu was a full duck, but when served was only the skin. once again, this is common knowledge. but, once again, our lack of research bit us in the ass. then we went to bar hopping aound town, careful to choose our own, well-lit, crazy chinamen-free places. eventually we ended up at the place called windows, which is the chinese equivilant of old school junctions. it was pretty awesome. sweaty drunken dance parties with chinamen featuring the hottest hits of 2002 and dollar rum and cokes usually are. got home around 5.
DAY 3: the next day we had to stick around the hotel area to wait for hot sauce to get there. there was a famous park across the street called people's square. so we just hung out there, sunning ourselves and drinking tsing tao beers and enjoying not being gawked at. nobody in china cared that we were white! we got no stares, or glares, or leers, or.....whistles. the sauce got in around 5 and, for some reason, we ate at a mexican restaurant next to our place. the food was ok, but they let us wear mexican hats, which are usually for the waiters only. hmmm....that night we....went to a pub that some guys told us about which was alright. full of whities though. i didn't travel to shanghai to NOT hang out with chinamen. so we went to a place called bonbon, which was jampacked with eurotrash. and i mean, jaaaaaaaaaaam paaaaaaaaacked. and if there's on thing in this world i hate, it's eurotrash. they're all snobby and smellly and travelling around on daddy's dollar. or euro. plus, a lot of them don't speak english, which i just don't abide. we hung out there for a bit, but it was all rave-style, and we weren't on ecstacy, so we left not long after. god damn eurotrash! we hit up a few other places, and eventually ended up back at windows, and partied with the chinese students again. goooood times.
DAY 4: we went downtown, to the downtown district. where there's all kinds of crazy ass shit. we wandered around, taking pictures. then we went to the world-famous shanghai aquarium. world famous for what, you say? well, for having lots and lots of crazyass fish that i'd never seen before. it was pretty awesome. then we decided to go up the space needle, or whatever the chinese name is. what we didn't know, however, is that about 4 billion people had the same idea, and they make you pay before you go in, so we were standing in line for about 9 hours. we had tickets to go on a boat tour of the river, but we missed it, due to lineups. we got some kickass pictures from the top though. it was an amazing view. we were pretty wrecked by the time we got back to the hotel, so we just ordered in some food and drank some beers. and wine, called great wall, which was the equivilent of 3 dollars a bottle. we determined that if we drank a bottle of it a day it would be the same thing as actually seeing the great wall. and i stand by it so all you nay-saying motherfuckers can just cram it. everything there is so cheap. we could get 24 beer and 2 bottles of wine for about 12 bucks.
DAY 5: this was our first day with a tour guide. who we hired. his name was phil and he was awesome. he took us, first, to a outdoor market in the old area of town. it was the most crowded place ever. every 100 feet took us about 10 minutes. it was infuriating. then adam's shoe broke, and there was a merchant stampede towards him. it was the most terrifying thing ever. there were instantly hundreds of little chinamen screaming "shoes!!! SHOES!!! YOU BUY!!!! BUUUUUUYYYY!!!!!!" all around us. and there was no escape. after we got ourselves out of there we went to a giant, 6 storey indoor market, with about 1000 stores on every level, just crammed in wherever they could go. it was there that i learned how to haggle, hardcore. they start of ridiculously high, and you go ridiculously low. i got a quicksilver zip-up hoodie for 10 bucks, down from 60. and a bunch of other crap too. it was nuts. and all the stores had spies out monitoring us, so as soon as you said something like "you know, i could use a new pair of sunglasses" you instantly have 3 guys on you, pulling you in different directions. then phil took us to a restaurant where we ate chinese curry, which leaves much to be desired. then we sent old phil home and told him to come back the next day and take us somewhere cool. we then drank more tsing tao and great wall, which were our real tour guides. then we went on our delayed boat tour. the city is amazing at night, especially from the water. i took a bunch of pictures, but you should really try to find a picture of the shanghai skyline at night. we met some koreans on the boat and chatted to them for a while, but they were, naturally, sojued off their asses. when that finished we went out in search of adventure. we bar-hopped again, meeting chinese people left and right. but as the closing time in most places is 2, we inevitably ended up back at windows. crazy things happened, involving scottish girls and a guy that looked like terrence trent d'arby. i actually thought it was him, but he set me straight, in a most eggregious matter. but you people don't need to know about that.
DAY 6: phil woke us up, since we all forgot to call for a wake up call, since we got home at around 6. he took us on the subway, which is a level of hell that i hope never to experience again. at least until i die, cause that can't be avoided. then we got a bus to a town about an hour and a half outside the city. we spent the trip singing songs and doing stuff to wesley, who kept falling asleep. the town was cool as hell. it's 1500 years old, and is the venice of china. it's built on a river and people gondola their way through it. we did as well. halfway through our ride a group of old ladies started screaming out "banana, banana!!!" from a restaurant on one of the banks and beckoning us over. so our rower steered up over and she gave us cupcakes. it was unsettling. this town is also the most confusing place ever, as it consists of only narrow laneways that twist and turn wildly. it's also the home of the first ever silk factory. we visited the museum, which has 1500 year old silk clothes on display. well, in glass. i don't think people are allowed to touch them. adam bought a samuri sword for 12 bucks, but he had it taken from him at the airport. we got home pretty late. went out for one last chinese dinner and then went to sleep. the next morning we set off. i got gypped at the airport. i ordered a cup of coffee and after i drank it i found out it was 10 dollars. so i raged all over that bitch. the shanghai airport won't soon forget matt conway.
so that's my shanghai trip. if you actually made it this far, congratulations. that's like 7 minutes of your life you'll never get back. i love you all. i don't want to work tomorrow.
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"You know how to play the bagpipes, right?" - Brian, visiting US marine, to Amy, from scotland. totally sincere.
well. this is more or less the worst day of my life. pants with baggy pockets should all be burned and their ashes shot into the moon. i hate them so fucking much. especially when i'm relaxing in the back of a taxi wearing them, and my ipod, my new(ish) ipod, that i loved more than i love crack, that had 5000 of my favorite songs on it, that had all the Beck albums on it, falls out of my stupid pocket and onto the seat. without me noticing. at least, not until i was already outside and the god damn cab was way way down the street. i gave a good chase, but my gangly spider legs were no match for a chinaman driver. so i sat down in the middle of the street and cried my round eyes out, and cursed whatever pantmakers made such a pair of pants. and if i go more than 3 or 4 days without listening to the new pornographers i start to turn to dust. so i guess i'll just have to buy a new one. maybe in china, where things are mega cheap. well, i know the hookers are. and hookers and ipods are kind of the same thing. so it stands to reason. anyhow, i've been horribly depressed all day and i can't see myself ever pulling myself out of this funk. so, please, if you're attractive, send me naked pictures of yourself. that might help.
it's sad really, because things were going so well this week. it went by really fast, and stuff happened. let's see....i saw young frankenstein for the first time at movie night. ryan and amy were disgusted that i hadn't seen it before, because it seems it is something of a "classic". and i have to say, i loves me some gene wilder. what ever happened to him? is he still mourning gilda? he needs to get laid and start making movies again. stupid gene wilder. anyhow, there was for some reason, a bunch of wine there, so i drank some. i haven't had wine in like forever. it was tasty. what else....well, that was about it, as far as i remember. i read a lot. tom robbins is good stuff. why did nobody tell me. i'm looking at you mandi! you know what the best part of staying home and reading was? listening to music on my ipod. i'd put on something relaxing, like leonard cohen or nick drake, and then i'd fall asleep. but now that's not going to happen anymore. DAMN YOU PANTS!!!!!
friday night i got off work, went to the gym (with my ipod. i can't go anymore or the korean techno will cause me to rip someone's nuts off. so long health) then went home and showered and then went to caleb's for rum night. and there was a bunch of dudes that i'd never seen before. and those of you who know me know that i hate people, and refuse to meet anyone i don't already know, so i sat in the corner and made fun of paulsen. to paulsen. he's a funny kid. then we went to pearl jam, because it was jenny and alana and emily's last weekend and they wanted to rock out. the place was jam-packed i tell you. there's all sorts of new people around. so i decided to try a new tactic and mingled. i'm a hardcore mingler. i think, now, that mingler is a funny word. you do too. i met all sorts of new people, to replace the ones that are leaving. caleb sang some songs, and then i sang some songs and the new people were terrified by our antics. but they'll learn. they always do. saturday i met up with caleb and brinny and hot sauce and we ate all you can eat pizza. and spaghetti, and some punk ass salad with mustard on it. then wesley came in and we hung out at caleb's for a while and planned our trip to chinatown. then we went to road king and met tae kyeong and friends. i was sitting next to her when all of the sudden (a sudden?) my face because very red and very puffy. i think it was either her perfume or her sweater or something on her sweater, but i don't know for sure as i don't have any allergies that i know of. either way, i went out on the balcony for a while and it went away. regardless, i now hate tae kyeong and everything she stands for. that was all that's fit to print that went on that night. eesh. today we spent the whole day with about 30 whites sitting around the LG, drinking beers and eating fried chicken. every korean that passed was totally blown away the sheer volume of whiteness, and some of them took pictures with their phones. seriously.
that's all for this week. you won't be getting these for the next couple of weeks, as i will be in the land of true chinamen. i know, i know, you're all heartbroken. anyways, i love you all