Posted on 5/07/05 02:32 PM
Want to shed a few brain cells? Trim down some IQ points? Tired of formulating coherent sentences? Then pop "Troy" in your home entertainment system and watch that unwanted intelligence melt away. Pretty soon you'll be hooked on Jerry Springer reruns and taking out extended subsciptions to People and Us magazine. Watch it more than once and you can loose 60, 80, even 100 IQ points, it's that simple! I've seen lunch meat commercials with better acting and storyline than this. Eric Bana, whose career may suffer from being in this, was the only credible performance in an otherwise dreadful waste of time. This film had the potential to deliver a fascinating escape to the spendor of Troy. Ridley Scott used all the resources at his disposal to resurrect Rome to it's imperial glory, thus giving us an exotic location to explore along with the main characters. Wolfgang Petersen instead chose to focus the camera lens exclusively on Bradd Pitt's body, with an occasional pan to sparce landscape and crowded marketplaces. Someone must have told him if you put a few columns around and have everyone wear body armour, the audience will just presume it's Troy.
Now that I've established the primary failure of this film, let me add a few other observations. First, the opening sequence must have been borrowed from a recent pay-per-view proffesional wrestling show script. These vast armies march toward each other for what should be a great opening battle scene. Instead, one side opts to have the largest, ugliest, mucous challenged Ogre fight the other sides best warrior. Guess who the other side best warrior is? Achilles, otherwise known as Brad Pitt. Our "hero" seems to have overslept and didn't show up for the big parade. A handy young lad is quickly dispatched to fetch the superhuman from his oversexed induced coma. After untangling himself from a litter of naked women, Achilles rises in all his glory to save the day. We are forced to spend the next ten minutes watching Pitt strap on his battle gear in slow extreme focus motion across his ripped body. After that dreadful experience Achilles finally gets his dead ass over to the battlefield. So you think we are going to be treated with an awesome fight scene between Achilles and the snot monster? Nope, instead Achilles trots over to Nasal Faucet Man and slays him in one swipe of his sword. The enemy general surrenders and pledges allegiance to Achilles.
Secondly, the director felt compelled to film countless funeral pyre scenes in an effort to show the carnage incurred during battle. Wouldn't it be nice if he had actually gave us more scenes of this epic battle. But no, Petersen figured watching countless burning corpses barbequeing on a beach would give your imagination enough to make your own conclusions as to how the battle was fought. It must have cost them so dearly to pay Brad Pitt to be in this movie they decided to use 98% of the film shooting close ups of him instead of delivering us what the story of Troy truly deserved....