Posted on 3/31/08 01:10 PM
[left][size=4][font=Garamond]It's easy to review a brilliant movie. It's fun to review a movie that was so bad it was funny. It's really, really hard to put into words what an awful experience it is to have to sit through 10,000 BC. I'll fully admit that I theatre hopped into this movie, mainly because I don't want anyone to think I paid money to see it and lose respect for me. After having done so, I think the management knew I was theatre hopping and chose to show their contempt for me by letting me see what is easily one of the worst movies ever made.
Well why did I even go? Mammoths. I knew it was supposed to be bad, but it had mammoths. Mammoths are inherently cool. They're wolly elephants with 'tude. They've been entirely underrepresented in cinema history. The mammoths look good. They clearly spent all the money on the mammoths. The people look pretty awful. Green screen technology isn't new, right? We're not still playing around with this are we? Because fricking Roland Emmerich couldn't get people standing in front of tundra to NOT look like they were cut and pasted there with photoshop. The movie was visually ludicrous, be it the poor FX or the fact that, apparently, in 10,000 BC the earth was so climatalogically segmented that Jungleland and Mountainland and Desertland were all kept in rigid areas. This lead to my favorite shot of the movie, which was one of our rasta cavemen two feet into the Jungleland (with the entire background still showing snow slavered mountains) saying, "It's hot here."
The plot is really kind of not worth my time to summarize. Okay, how about this: did you see Apocalypto? Subtract the blood. Everyone speaks a different accented form of English. Add mammoths. Take away any intelligence. And, in fact, the big bads end up being, oh oh SPOILER ALERT, a bunch of wandering Mayans who cater to a giant white dude (these are, I suspect, the cast and director of Apocalypto now having a very limited niche in Hollywood).
The movie, honestly, was so painfully bad it sucked the life out of me. I was fine sitting down and when I got up, a little bit of my soul was gone. That's how bad this movie is. If I'm going to be positive, there is no way this won't be my worst film of 2008. I've gotten that out of the way in March. Always a silver lining.