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Through a decidely sickening study these past few weeks, I have unlocked the key to man's biggest and most taboo domain: the urinal. I know what you're all asking yourselves; "Just how do you unlock a key?". Well, that and other related questions will be answered in an upcoming study, but for now, let's focus on the results of my Urinal Study Account, USA for short.
First and foremost, I have discovered a disturbing trend: over 103% of guys are homophobic, the extra 3 percentiles coming from extra-homophobic individuals; these people tended to use the stalls for urination (although the effect given off was that these people had incredibly hostile diarreah). This homophobia can be directly linked to a common trend: going to the farthest available urinal away from anybody else. I would not be suprised if space aliens observing our species came to the conclusion that, due to the gaps in between, bathrooms were actually gradeschool dances in which people stand on opposite sides of the room, awkwardly digging their feet in the ground in a state of worried angst.
The second finding is one that I made personally, and based on the assumption that I am a regular guy, I have decided that it is true for all men. The discovery was: guys like to piss on things. For example, if there is a urinal cake, it will almost always be targeted for attack. Other typical objects being pissed on include papers, pencils, textbooks, and, my personal favourite, plush toys (although its a rare delicacy).
The third, and possibly most chilling discovery, is that guys think other guys are just out to look at their wieners. This is revealed by the fact that many guys, in an attempt to hide their wieners, either burrow themselves deep into the outer walls of the urinals so that there are no open cracks, or turn sideways to block someone's view. It occasionally gets as extreme as guys turning completely perpendicular with the urinal, to the point where you wonder just how they're not actually peeing all over the tiles (actually, maybe this explains the constant stickiness of men's room floors). The truth is GUYS, we're not looking at your wieners! We have much better things to do, such as looking at your face to make sure you're not looking at our wieners.
All I'm saying is, this study has revealed to me just how afraid we are of each other. I think it's time for the urinal companies to realize this and invest in more emotionally comfortable restroom appliances, such as personal soundproof booths. And of course, for the extra timid, you'd be able to lock your booths shut. Just be sure not to accidentally lock your key.