Showing 1 - 6 of 6 Movie Blogs
Hey, kids! Unca Chaoz back for another round with the reviews. They?re gonna come fast and furiously for a bit as I have a couple of days off. Let?s see what we have this go around.
The Marihuana Menace. Well, ?drugs? plus ?1930s? usually equals ?unintended hilarity?. For those in need of a quick refresher.
Back before we had the ratings system for movies we have today (which is another argument for another time) - we had the ?Production Code? aka ?The Hays Code?. Movies were deemed obscene or not based off of this code. Of course, this lead to some really silly decision down the line.
But that?s yet ANOTHER argument for another time.
Anyhoo, some creative people decided to exploit the Code by putting out movies of questionable taste but disguised them in the form of ?social parables? - basically ?This could happen to YOU!? type of flicks. This is one of them.
The movie begins with an introduction that this movie is based on facts from a doctor?s lectures, magazine and newspaper articles. Oh yeah, this is gonna be good.
We begin with shocking headlines and moves to a reporter who starting out a the local paper. The editor tells him to go to small town where a woman who was killed by a ?marijuana maniac? left her granddaughter a small fortune provided she stays on the straight and narrow. The editor tells him that he ?doesn?t care what (the reporter) does? to get in with that crowd, but to find the story. So our intrepid little reporter does.
Joan (the granddaughter) is an hot little number but with girl-scout attitude. Also around is a blonde rival who apparently will claim the money if Joan falls off the wagon. Meanwhile, our reporter Art has ?infiltrated? the teen scene by nefarious means - namely working at the local soda fountain. Joan sees Art and her eyes burn with - well, it ain?t sweetness.
Suddenly, we move to a ?weenie roast? (no, really!) and Blondie is smoking reefer while a friend is given something stronger. Joan is getting wooed by a guy who didn?t pay attention to her until he found out she was loaded (sounds like a bad FOX drama - doesn?t it?). Well, thanks to Blondie, Joan manages to get home naked and in the middle of a scandal. Art can?t believe, hits on Joan (apparently, since the film skips at this point) and then lands a date with Blondie.
Oh, and did I mention Blondie?s secretly married - and a drug pusher?
Eventually, Blondie gets her hooks into Joan?s sister, while Blondie keeps trying to get Joan off the right path (with the help of her husband) - with some success. Joan eventually loses the money but falls for Art. Happy ending, right?
Not exactly. Eventually, little sis gets sucked in by the ?loco weed?, while Art decides to use Joan to get evidence against Blondie (her cousin Linda, as we find out eventually). The way? She?s to collect cigarettes for Art while she starts smoking them.
Yes, this is bad as an idea as it sounds.
Eventually, all this turns into a semi-solid mess and a comedic ending that reminds me of the Keystone Cops.
The picture is in good quality but the sound and film skips so much at times that there are portions that are barely coherent (not that this flick is an Oscar contender in pristine form). The movie starts as a complete exploitation piece but it seems that the producers of the movie decide to actually make a movie out of it and made the best of it. In the end, the movie becomes semi-legit. All the acting is - well - passable, but it?s funny when they try to play blitzed as they come across as silly.
Fun rating: 7 - not bad, but a barely passable movie. I?ve seen much better. On the other hand, I?ve seen far worse. In the end, it reminds of one of those movies on ?Insomniac Theater? at 3:30am. I was actually disappointed it wasn?t more exploitative than it actually was.
Interest rating: 5 - worthy only as freebie or in a compilation set (which is how I saw this one). I doubt it?s ever shown on TV, but if you happened to see it in the listings then check it out. Repeat viewing? Nah, but good for a laugh or two.
TOTAL RATING: 6
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Well, after a short hiatus (ie: work) - Unca Chaoz is back to dissect another cinematic gem...
"The Cold" (aka "The Game") ... great, another Bill Rebane picture (see my reviews for "Demons of Ludlow" and "Alpha Incident"). AND apparently not in the RT database.
Which deity did I piss off now??
Bad Movie Sign #7,343: Movie opens with ragtime theme music and a title logo that looks like it was made in 5 minutes.
... I'm boned ...
Bad Movie Sign #4,204: Credits take place - I kid you not - in front of various game boards (eg: Monopoly, Clue).
... I'm royally boned ...
After the credits a narrator starts: "Once upon a time..." --
Okay, I'm exactly 40 seconds into this and already I want to walk out of the room. Too late, though: in for a penny ...
Well, the narrator tells us about 3 millionaires who like playing board games, but eventually grew bored with them so now every year they gather their money to bring people in to play their game. It should be noted that the narrator managed to sound like a truly bad barker at a carnival (especially with the ragtime still playing). Honestly, words can't describe how bad it sounded.
The millionaires (2 men, 1 woman) gather at a secluded resort to lay out their plans. Apparently, nine people are coming by and Maude (the woman) has thoroughly checked out their private (and medical) histories. There's a lot of vague talk about what happened the previous year but instead of sounding interesting, it simply sounds confusing...
Cut to a woman's chest covered in a slinky dress (well, I gotta admit; it DID wake me up). There's now a party with the "players": most of the women are "wearing" dresses about a sneeze away from exposing something and the men are dressed like 1970's hip (sad - since the movie was made in 1984). The band is dubbed and the singer's holding his microphone (since there's no dubbed vocal track). Rebane gives us more chest shots than a Playboy layout but absolutely no nipplage; not to mention enough jump cuts to give somebody a seizure. By the way - this is all just one scene.
After the party, the players are gathered by the millionaires for the set up. The game is called the "Game of Fear" with the survivor getting a million dollars (well, now we know who's responsible for "Fear Factor"). The players are sufficiently greedy - I mean interested. The survivor is the one who stays at the resort after the others have fled. One female (law student dressed conservatively) asks how the game is played. Well, one of the millionaires says to look in her soup bowl...
...viola! A spider is in her bowl (wow :rolleyes: ) - which is promptly killed. Maude gets pissed because it was a pet of hers. The game starts in earnest the next morning - plus the millionaires will no longer be seen. So they say "Good night ... and pleasant screams!" followed by sinister laughter as they walk away; followed by ominous thunder and lightning.
Mr. Rebane: it's the 1950's calling -- they'd like their cheesiness back.
I look at the timer - 00:09:06! Is it possible to give a negative number for a review?? Time for a beer!!
As if on cue, Rebane decides to wake us up with a couple of the female players in the undies (looking properly floozy, I might add). Blonde floozy wants to take a shower and go to bed (in a Southern accent - or she could be asthmatic; I'm not sure). Brunette floozy goes for a swim in the indoor pool since the game doesn't actually start until the next morning.
Brunette floozy swims a lap or two when....oh God...I simply can't say this...you are SO not going to believe this...a shark's dorsal fin pops out of the water (ala Jaws) - and the floozy starts thrashing away from it!!!! (remember: this is an INDOOR pool) She screams and the others come down to realize that it was a simple prank (duh).
Is this chick related to Jessica Simpson??
Anyhoo, the next day - blond dude and law student are scouting the grounds and making googly eyes while the two floozies are in the jacuzzi with a Ron Jeremy reject. Next we get a musical number from the band (who are also playing the game) and the lead singer sounds like she's ordering at the drive-thru (so THAT's why they were dubbed!). Suddenly they stop and we get this little exchange:
[center]Singer: What's wrong? (barely audible)[/center]
[center]Lead guitar: This ain't really good. It's sounds terrible.[/center]
[center]Singer (frustrated): I don't know why were doing this anyway.[/center]
You and me both, sister.
After some useless chatter from the band; we go back to the blond dude and lawyer chick. They come across a structure. The dude says it looks interesting and the lawyer chick says; "I hope it doesn't have anything to do with the Game." (gee, is that "foreshadowing"?) Of course, cuz we soon see a goofy looking guy in the second story window.
:: Now going for beer #2 ::
Eventually, all the people receive a simple note: "The game has begun." Suddenly, there's no running water and the power goes on the fritz. One guy (the lead guitarist) opens the door from his room only to find it has grown suddenly cold in the hallway (hence the title - finally)...
...oh and cue the dry ice, will you?
It takes a while but something interesting manages to happen. The bass player get a bag thrown over his head while walking down a hallway and dragged off. The scene then cuts to the same hallway but now something is on the floor where the guy got nabbed. Blond dude then finds the guy's bandana in the hallway.
:: On to beer #3 ::
In lead singer's room, the static tv come on to show a ghostly figure talking in a Karloff voice and then a shot of the dude that got nabbed (her SO) hanging from a noose. Well, this should be scary but even in the brief moment you see him you can tell his hanging from a body harness (maybe he died of a massive wedgie). Obviously, singer screams and keyboard player (who is sleeping in the next bed) comes to her - I guess to remind her "It's only a shitty movie, only a shitty movie."
From here the movie - well. I'm not sure WHAT it's doing. There's a hunchback who looks like Granpa Munster lurking in background shots. Weird f*ckin' dancing in hallways.
We also have: skeletons, dungeons, rats, brief female frontal nudity, floating heads, funhouse tricks, lots of dry ice, light bondage, russian roulette, out of body experiences, an anaconda, blond dude getting weird, stupid video effects, more ragtime music, and a subplot that only manages to confuse and bore us.
As for the ending - um - to say it's nonsensical doesn't do the film justice. I'm truly surprised this is not considered on of the worst films ever commited to celluloid.
Oh boy, where do I start? The screenplay looks like it was lifted from every 50's horror flick ever made. The sound is badly muffled; but that's probably a blessing because what is audible is really bad acting. There not a single actor in the film that is remotely adequate - much less good. This is either the most unfunny comedy ever or the most unscary horror ever. Either way it actually manages to suck on an almost unheard of level. The dialogue manages to go from bad to atrocious.
This movie is only 84 minutes long but feels like it lasts about 3 hours. In this game, there are no winners and the only losers are the ones who watch this tripe.
For those keepin' track -JBB scorecard: no blood, 1 brief full frontal by the blond floozy, gunfire with really bad aiming, 5 on the alcohol scale, and a whopping 9 on the mindf*ck scale.
I believe that George C Scott said it best:
[center]"Turn it off! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!"[/center]
Fun rating: 1 - this was literally torture to watch. I defy anyone to watch this garbage from beginning to end without at least stopping the film. While it has some "So good it's bad" moments; this film goes beyond mere incompetance and into downright malignancy. One almost believes this was Bill Rebane's big "F-U" to a public who didn't like his movies.
Interest rating: 3 - this actually took a while to think of. No decent filmgoer in his/her right mind should see this voluntarily. On the other hand, there's alot of you out there who aren't decent (you know who you are). Therefore, those who are bad cinema slaves or those who think that they can handle anything should watch this flick. A truly stupid film.
TOTAL RATING: 2
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Welcome to my little corner of the RT website.
::: Sorry, for the mess - hard to find good help these days! :::
After posting some reviews, I decided it was perhaps time to actually outline what to expect from me and how I can help you in finding movies to watch.
Here are the groundrules:
1) I'm not a film major, art major, creative artiste, or even a writer. If you're looking for in-depth criticism or some one who uses "juxtaposition" accurately in a sentence - best move on.
2) I'm a hetero-single guy who likes movies. All types, not just the obvious (action, sex romps, etc). I can watch a 'chick flick' with the best of them. Along the top, you'll find the different types of movies that have been reviewed. Hopefully, this will make you're searching easier.
3) With the above said, what I like to concentrate on is a sometimes brief synopsis of the film (though I try to avoid spoilers at ALL times), overall quality, and general impressions of the film.
4) Most of the movies I will be rating are on DVD or VHS - I prefer to review a movie while watching it (mainly because my short-term memory sucks). Plus you'll get a better idea of what to expect when you pop the movie into the machine.
Now about the rating system. Standard RT (Below 6, rotten; 6+ ripe) system - BUT with two separate ratings:
Fun rating - This is just how much 'fun' was it to watch? 6+ ratings means it was at least a little fun. Below 6 means I started looking a the timer to see how much movie I still had to watch. Coveted 10's are movies you can pop in at any time and be entertained (or at least, how I see it).
Interest rating - How badly should I look for this movie as a general movie viewer? 6+ means at least worth a one time watch. Under 6 means only specific groups would probably want to see this film. 10's are movies that you should have in your collection. Re-watching appeal also plays a part in this rating.
Total rating - simply an average of the two. Any fractions are round up or down based off of 'Fun rating' (the more important of the two).
Final note: All ratings and reviews are purely subjective ... but then again, aren't they all?
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Well, after the heights of Citizen Kane; how far can Unca Chaoz sink for his next film?
Try "Panic". Or better yet, just panic since this isn't listed in RT. The other two movies that I've seen that aren't listed in RT were complete and utter wastes of celluloid...
...great, I'm boned.:(
Well, no sense delaying the inevitable.
Well, our little film begins to plummet right at the credits with this little line:
"Monster" effects created by RINO CARBONI
The quotes were actually on the screen. That can NOT be good. After some fugly close ups of some rats our "story" begins. We see some rats basically tear each other apart (not appealing), a blonde sends for a chemical unit to come in, a guys face is burning and green. Then some guy talks about a report. HUH???
As seemingly always - this Italian film starts early with the sex (specifically in the back of a car). Guy's attacked and chick makes a run for it; but before long is attacked by the camera.
Back to the blonde: apparently she is with the report guy as they begin to cover up the 'accident' that led to the green burning face (I guess, the story is so badly structured). Decent eye candy.
The other main character at this point enters the picture; a guy named "Captain Kirk Dude" (I kid you not) - who I think runs the security at the lab where all this has happened.
I've got to point out two things: 1) This is one of the worse dubbed movies I've ever seen (that includes Japanese monster flicks) and 2) the dubbed voices are so poorly mixed they sound completely muffled at times.
From this point on - the movie enters Ed Wood territory. Plot points are introduced for no apparent reason. Scenes are in the film that have no relation to the film. At one point, a body covered in blood is found hanging from the ceiling; the blond yelps, 'Dude' runs next to her. Dude asks if she recognizes him. She says yes - it was a scientist's aide. The dude utters this classic line:
"Yes, I used to know him. C'mon."
Later on, he then utters this all-time classic line:
"Dreadful actors. Don't you agree?"
I had to stop the movie both times and LMAO. This is looking like stuff Ed Wood couldn't BEGIN to create on his worst day.
The production values are laughable. The editing is slaughterhouse. The story is nonexistent and nonsensical. A large chunk of the movie has closeups of most of the actors talking directly into the camera. Another chunk is spent in the POV of the 'monster'. The acting is indeed dreadful, if not downright atrocious (even without the dubbing). Unfortunately, it seems that on my copy of the movie; all the apparent nude sequences are cut so there goes the one potentially redeeming factor.
I gave up on the story at minute 27; deciding that I wanted to see how badly this car crash was going to be. I do know there's something about a "Plan Q" but that's about it.
Oh and here's another hoot: the cast is primarily Italian and Spanish, but the movie takes place in ENGLAND!!? Obviously, both countries are getting even for getting their butts kicked in the past.
By the way, not that it matters at this point: the green-faced dude is now a flesh eating monster; though you rarely actually see him (probably because the "monster" effects suck so badly - think " Pizza Pie Teen Wolf").
Another rant: Apparently, the town all this is happening is now quarantined and may have to be nuked. The reason? The monster was created by a virus. Fine. But why does that matter? Nobody else has been infected - only eaten!
::: Never thought I'd ever have to say that. :::
However, the "SBIG" feeling wears off by minute 48. Now you're just in a stress test: how much garbage can you take?
Fun rating: 3 - best with 'chemical' additives and presumably uncut. The first half of the film is unintentionally hilarious but begins to drag in every way, shape, and form in the second half. Hopefully, you'll be too buzzed to give a crap by then.
Interest rating: 1 - not worth hunting for unless you're a masochist. "SBIG" folks will enjoy the first half but suggest something else if you're in that mood. I would change the channel if this sucker was on the tube. I'd rather watch an infomercial with Tony Robbins than see this again.
TOTAL RATING: 2
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Well, after the atrocious "Metamorphosis"; I obviously haven't learned my lesson.
"Naked Massacre" (aka Born for Hell)
Well, at least were of to a good start. I always say that two things that sell any movie are sex and violence (sadly).
This has plenty of both, but is an absolute, unmitigated, and disgusting disaster.
Movie takes place in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Violence gets off to a rousing start with a church getting blown up during mass. Here we meet our main character, Cain. Cain just came from Vietnam on his way to US (don't ask how that makes sense). There is a lot of violence in Belfest and I admit that a bit showing kids playing a mock firing squad are haunting. I agree that the violence is real for the time.
Enter 8 nurses who live across the street from a bar. Honestly, they are quite attractive. Particularly, the ever scrumptous Carole Laure (who plays Amy).
He seems to be okay, but suddenly breaks enter the nurse's dorm (after actually being there once before) to rob them. He proceeds to tie them up and terrorizes them one by one until they are all dead.
In the meantime, he manages to terrorize us with pointless exposition.
Some people have pointed that this is a fictionalized version of the Richard Speck case (a group of student nurses murdered in Illinois in 1966). They even mention the case in passing. Unfortunately, this only makes the movie more disturbing and even less appealing. Why or why did they bother making this film? Why not just a documentary?
For the record, the movie does have a bit of nudity in it; but the fact is that the nudity loses any appeal surrounded by the violence. This film honestly borders on pornographic - and not in a good way.
The entire movie is mired in violence. From the constant violence of Belfast to the terrorizing of the nurses, the film is slathered in mindless violence. Not necessarily gore, but violence. Further, the violence is particularly disturbing. Since the majority of the violence occurs to rather innocent (and surprisingly docile) women; it can make one feel quite - well, dirty. I'm not a misogynist; but one senses this movie was made for that group.
I understand that the movie was a study in the insanity of violence, but wthout any attempt to put it into context, the movie is simply violence - nothing more.
Fun rating: 0 - there is no fun in viewing this movie. It's disturbing and absolutely trash. The cinematic equivalent of a snuff film. If I could give a negative number rating; I would. I can see why this movie isn't mentioned in RT.
Interest rating: 0 - nobody should have to view this movie. The only people who might be interested in viewing this are misogynists and the curiousity seekers.
TOTAL RATING: ZERO (quite possibly one of the vilest films ever made)
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Well, we have time for one more movie...
Let's see "Revenge of Dr. X"...
Hmm, doesn't show up on RT - odd. Must be pretty obscure. Well, lets take a gander at it.
IQ dwopping rapidlee. Sumting is rong heer.
OH NO! DIS IS ED WOOD MOOVIE (at least written)!!!
Oh man, this is gonna hurt. Where's Crow and Tom Servo when you need them.
Uh, review begin must. NASA dude needs a vacation so he decides to go to Japan but not before he decides to pick up a Venus Fly Trap from a yokel (hey, don't ask me - this is an Ed Wood movie). Somehow, customs doesn't hold onto the plant. With the help of his friend's concub - I mean, "cousin" he enjoys his trip to the Land of the Rising Sun. Of course, for some reason he has to bring his damn little plant with him all the time.
At this point, Unca Chaoz has a headache. He drinks his first beer.
Dr. Bragan (played by James Craig, who makes Shatner look like the model of subtlety) eventually takes in the countryside (which looks suspiciously like Northern California) - complete with active 'volcano' until reaching the abandoned hotel of Madame Butterfly's father (which looks like an old California mansion). Which is where all the inaction occurs.
Ugh, this is boring. Time for another beer.
Eventually Seymour - I mean - the Doc (who REALLY needs to switch to decaf) begins performing botany experiments (never mind he's a rocket scientist) on Audrey, eventually "Cousin" helps out.
Okay, now the Doc goes to town - I'm not exactly sure why.
Starts 3rd beer. Wonders if he should switch to tequila - then remembers he doesn't have any. Damn!:mad:
Okay, looks like they actually made to Japan! Maybe the director wanted a trip and used this movie as an excuse. Now he's drinking sake (which I had some).
Now they're scuba diving - what is this a travelogue???? EGADS!:confused:
I've given up on the dialo-- HEY BOOBIES!!!:eek: Unfortunately, they're only topless pearl divers (I guess). Obviously, they figured the guys would be falling asleep at this point so - bring out the BOOBIES! At least that keeps us awake long enough to figure out he's found a gigantic underwater flytrap plant. (Yeah, yeah - "an underwater FLYtrap"??)
Apparently, Mad Doc is building a super Flytrap with "gland therapy" so that's it's "more human".
... Uh, this is the man's idea of a VACATION???!!!!
Not caring anymore - Chaoz grabs his FOURTH beer.
Oh-kay - Doc makes like Frankenstein and sends the plant skyward so that it's struck by lightning. Why? I (sob) don't KNOW! (This is no longer a movie: this is a test of endurance. I'm afraid I'm losing.)
Finally, SuperAudrey awakes - and has feet - and arms - and OMG!!! IT'S CARROTTOP!!
Later, after the poorest attempt at foreshadowing ever, the plant finally snacks on a puppy (which has been alluded to since near the beginning of the film) and is dancing (I couldn't make this up, people). Doc FINALLY figures out it needs blood (they never need plant food - always with the blood) - first mice, chicks, then it graduates to human blood.
Ah, plants grow-up so quickly.
Now on beer FIVE. Be afraid - very afraid. I think I have to repeat high school again - possibly elementary.
Audrey puts Doc and lady friend asleep and decides to roam the countryside. Of course, the townsfolk soon are bearing torches (and probably pitchforks). Finally, the Doc decides he needs to destroy his creation (duh!).
Okay, now he apparently got scratched earlier in the film and now is 'infected' with some sorta plant virus and is carrying a live kid (baby goat) and calling out what sounds like "Doctor Morris" (which is apparently the thing's name). Somehow, both the Doc and plant fall over the cliff - lava is involved.
THE END. (Unca Chaoz begins sobbing uncontrollably)
Fun rating - You're sh*tting me, right?: goose-egg, nothing, nada, zilch, ZERO!!!
Interest rating - ZERO (this is not a so-bad-it's-good flick). Unless you have an interest in psychological torture (eg: Donald Rumsfeld); I wouldn't recommend looking for this anywhere. I wouldn't pick this up if I was GIVEN money for it.
That was the whole purpose of this 'review' - so you wouldn't have to watch it. The things I do for you people. Sheesh!
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