You may or may not have heard of this movie franchise called Terminator. If you haven't allow me to give you the rundown. It is a biographical series based on famous Austrian muscle man Arnold Schwarzenegger. In the series he explains how back in 1984 he found a way to replicate his entire epidermis and use it to encase robots made with erector sets. To explain how this was done I've included a rough diagram:
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Notice how the pose is eerily similar.

In an attempt to prevent someone codenamed "John Connor", for all intensive-protective purposes, from preventing Arnold's ultimate world domination he sends one of his freaky homo-erotic clones back in time to kill the boy. However he failed because of this pole smoker Kyle Reese who actually bones 80s wannabe sex icon Linda Hamilton to prove to the clone that men wearing leather pants are fucking tools and deserve to die. Somehow, and no one can really explain it, future space-man-boy Kyle impregnates 80s sex icon Fara Fawcett wanna be and they make this "John". Future John who we haven't been introduced to yet sends a hacked version of an Arnold clone back to protect "John" from an upgraded version of kind-of star Robert Patrick. Arnold's time travelling clones eventually fail and so Arnold opted for another career as California governer.

In an attempt to respark interest in the ancient icon McG, with the help of the bloodthirsty Christian Bale, set forth to create a new movie that has nothing to do with Arnold at all. This left fanboys scratching their heads.



Instead McG decided to make a sequel/cross-over film of Passion of The Christ and Terminator mythology. In the Mel Gibson inspired Terminator film the wonderful writers of the cult smash hit Catwoman starring Halle Berry introduce us to Marcus Wright. Marcus Wright is the second coming of Christ who is executed by Tim Burton's girlfriend because his Christ like powers steal spotlight from Burton's homosexual lover Johnny Depp. In one scene in particular we see a very trite in-your-face attempt at said allegory. As seen in this photo from the film:


In the end grown up "John" with the help of Jesus Wright save prepubescent Kyle Reese from being molested by the actual Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a strange turn of events we find out that Arnold is actually a robot and has been all along, created as another ploy by Tim Burton's stupid fucking whore wife Marla Singer.

None of it makes a bit of damn sense in the end. Like...who wrote this shit? Were the writers of LOST busy? H.G. Wells unavailable?


Coming soon: An update on the return of the Montauk Monster.