Posted on 4/06/11 12:35 PM
My childhood revolved around my toys. Escaping into my imagination by waging a never ending war between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, and the powerhouse, G.I. Joes. The biggest differences that set the latter apart were the awesome vehicles and weapons, intricate designs, and individuality amongst the characters. All of which leads me to the review that brings all my childhood imagination to life and crumbles it right before my eyes while slapping me across the face.
The film is just plain horrible. Horrible might not even reach the level of awfulness I want to express. Dreadful may work better. Laughably bad special effects, with even more laughs being provided by the atrocious acting and corny dialogue. No semblance to the original Joe exists in any way, shape, or form. The audience is just dropped into a cliched scenario and forced to mindlessly stare at the flashing colors. This is not even close to what I had imagined while playing in my youth.
I mentioned the acting earlier. The amount of talent in the film is minimal. Somehow they acquire (and underutilized) Jonathan Pryce who's usually great, and they also managed to drag Byung-hun Lee away from some terrific work in Korean cinema to deliver a less than satisfactory turn as Storm Shadow. I would also like to include that Channing Tatum has absolutely no talent whatsoever and his "performance," or what I call "incoherent mumbling" is the most solid evidence of my findings. Go ahead and throw Dennis Quaid under the talentless list also.
I was not looking forward to this in the least because I had an apprehension to pursue this, worried that it would ruin my happy memories, and I'm disappointed to tell you that my greatest fear was realized. By all means, the most blame deservedly goes to Stephen Sommers. I have some words already prepared if I am to ever meet him in the future, but I'll spare you all the profanities. If you were ever a fan of the G.I Joe cartoons and toys, or even if you enjoy cinema in any fashion, you owe it to yourself to skip this garbage. Devote your time saved into something more worthwhile, like mixing cement just to watch it dry or running directly into oncoming traffic. Quite frankly picking your nose for hours on end is time better spent than watching this. Avoid at all cost...