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My childhood revolved around my toys. Escaping into my imagination by waging a never ending war between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, and the powerhouse, G.I. Joes. The biggest differences that set the latter apart were the awesome vehicles and weapons, intricate designs, and individuality amongst the characters. All of which leads me to the review that brings all my childhood imagination to life and crumbles it right before my eyes while slapping me across the face.
The film is just plain horrible. Horrible might not even reach the level of awfulness I want to express. Dreadful may work better. Laughably bad special effects, with even more laughs being provided by the atrocious acting and corny dialogue. No semblance to the original Joe exists in any way, shape, or form. The audience is just dropped into a cliched scenario and forced to mindlessly stare at the flashing colors. This is not even close to what I had imagined while playing in my youth.
I mentioned the acting earlier. The amount of talent in the film is minimal. Somehow they acquire (and underutilized) Jonathan Pryce who's usually great, and they also managed to drag Byung-hun Lee away from some terrific work in Korean cinema to deliver a less than satisfactory turn as Storm Shadow. I would also like to include that Channing Tatum has absolutely no talent whatsoever and his "performance," or what I call "incoherent mumbling" is the most solid evidence of my findings. Go ahead and throw Dennis Quaid under the talentless list also.
I was not looking forward to this in the least because I had an apprehension to pursue this, worried that it would ruin my happy memories, and I'm disappointed to tell you that my greatest fear was realized. By all means, the most blame deservedly goes to Stephen Sommers. I have some words already prepared if I am to ever meet him in the future, but I'll spare you all the profanities. If you were ever a fan of the G.I Joe cartoons and toys, or even if you enjoy cinema in any fashion, you owe it to yourself to skip this garbage. Devote your time saved into something more worthwhile, like mixing cement just to watch it dry or running directly into oncoming traffic. Quite frankly picking your nose for hours on end is time better spent than watching this. Avoid at all cost...
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Daniel Mumby on 4/12/10 at 04:56 PM
... I most certainly will. Good review
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HERESSSSSSJOHNNY on 4/12/10 at 05:28 PM
great review, im glad I never watched it.
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Tommy M. on 4/12/10 at 05:44 PM
I can't believe they keep bankrolling Sommers.
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Bob M. on 4/12/10 at 05:44 PM
Too late I have already seen this. Thankfully I am too old to have played with the toys because I probably would have felt dirty after this movie. It made no sense and the non-stop effects could not hide that fact. Good review.......
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dn_smith86 on 4/13/10 at 11:48 AM
I'm sorry you've seen it, at least someone shares my pain. This was a mockery of cinema, of digital effects, and of the GI Joe brand. I'm getting even angrier reflecting upon it. Thanks for commenting...
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cjsmovies on 4/12/10 at 06:20 PM
Word
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Happy Hour Reviews on 4/12/10 at 08:16 PM
impeccable review my friend. nice work!
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Film Ninja on 4/12/10 at 08:40 PM
Yo JOE! Good review.
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nbrush on 4/13/10 at 05:52 AM
you are absolutely on the money with your assessment if you ask me. What upset me the most was how terrible they made Cobra Commander look. I like that actor too, Gordon-Levitt or whatever his name is- but this was terrible.
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dn_smith86 on 4/13/10 at 11:51 AM
YES, once they give Cobra Commander his mask I was seconds away from hurling a hard object towards the screen. What a joke! I don't mind Joseph Gordon-Levitt either but I haven't been to impressed with some of the roles he's taken as of late (This being his BIGGEST misstep)...
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Halimali on 4/13/10 at 08:07 AM
Good review Smith. Avoiding
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scarletwebslingr on 4/13/10 at 09:59 PM
See, I try to reserve the lowest rating for movies so bad I can't even laugh at. And this one I could definitely laugh at.
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Debjyoti G. on 4/14/10 at 01:07 AM
Very True...this was just a slap to all th fans....and I even hear they are on the way to second installments God S.O.S ...:) very well written review.
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Christopher on 4/14/10 at 12:38 PM
Yes! Agreed! Epic disaster! Great review!
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Matthew P on 4/18/10 at 02:20 PM
Good review! Loved the beggiing of this review.This was a waste of time. I hated it. Hollywood has hit rock bottom!
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Awesome Barnhart on 4/25/10 at 02:59 AM
Excellent review
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Bill T. on 4/12/11 at 07:16 PM
Looks like this is a guarenteed skip for me. And to think, I had friends who actually enjoyed this nonsense. Note, the operative word is "had". Wonderful review!
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