Posted on 7/28/12 03:02 AM
There are certain qualities that define a good person, chief among which is honesty, and a big part of being honest is having the ability to fulfill the promises that you made, be it to yourself, your family, your friends or a particular group or community of people. However, there are always singular instances that prove to be exceptions to this rule, and this is, unfortunately, and regrettably, one of them. If you are a little lost in trying to decipher the pieces to this puzzle and figure out just what, if anything, this little semi-philosophical musing of mine about the qualities of individuals has to do with my review of AVP2, AVP:R or Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (in the end, though, it's just 3 different ways of saying "Piece of Shit"), don't worry, I shall disclose all in due course. And "due course" happens to be right about... now.
A few months back I made a promise to do full reviews of the AVP duology, and while it pains me to imagine the sheer number of perfectly acceptable words that are bound to be wasted in accomplishing this rather pointless exercise, I shall nonetheless be true to my prior self's imbecilic vow that must, by all accounts and purposes, have been made in a moment of unfathomable stupidity. Oh well, I guess we may as well get started, then.
Oh! one more thing: the reason I decided to do the sequel before the original is because the continuation of this sad excuse for a saga fits infinitely better to the introduction that I wrote, however, this is not to say that I "enjoyed" the first chapter in this pathetic little example of a film series, but it, at the very least, had the common decency to not be excruciatingly, and offensively, awful. But that's neither here nor there, and, in fact, is a topic for my forthcoming review, so having digressed enough to fill at least a small part of my quota for discussing events and topics not related to the actual movie, we can finally begin the analysis in earnest.
There was a lot of hype leading up to the release of this film by the Brothers Strauss, 2 words that, if there's any decency in the world, are now synonymous with the term "Film-Poison", but we seem to be getting ahead of ourselves in our outright hatred of those sad, decrepit humans that chose to share their misery with the world via the production of an indescribably awful motion picture that shall be forever remembered in the annuls of history as the signifying moment when movies died. I blame this on you. To quote the famous words of my Teacher: "You must unlearn what you have learnt", meaning that we must remember the days before the film's release, the days when no-one knew the horrors that those brothers would unleash on the world (Where the fuck is Skynet when we need it?). Anyway, the hype was focused on the fact that 'This Time, it's 'R'senal' - gettit? Personal, 'R'senal? Nevermind - this time, no punches are pulled and the movie would be rated R. We cheered. We rejoiced. We were fools.
I honestly don't know where to begin with this... piece of cinematic tapestry (yes, I'm running out of synonyms for "film"), I mean, how do you go about discussing something that is completely and irreparably broken, where do you start? Answer: with the good shtuff. I will be using bullet points for the positive aspects of this movie-going experience, mainly because I haven't done it before and I am nothing if not open to trying new things. Though I would advise anyone and everyone against getting very, very intoxicated and then taking what could only be understated as a significant amount of acid. I'm sure that I could write the sequel to Thompson's famous work of non-fiction based on my experiences of that night alone. Shit, I just digressed again - back on topic!
-The Predalien: I like the idea and the effects of this half Alien, half Predator creature, and even though it was already done in 2001, in the game AvP 2, it was still pretty cool to see it on screen. Or, you know, what you could actually see of it, since the movie was darker than the congealed blood on my first victim's neck after lying around in my cellar for a few days. Oops, *Jedi Mind Trick* you didn't hear that. Tneconniehtfodoolbehtllips.
-Um... a... haha, well, I guess that's it.
I'm sure I'm not the only one that finds it unfortunately sad that the movie's greatest invention is something that had already been invented 6 years prior. Literally everything else about these 125,360 frames of celluloid is garbage. We shall begin by discussing the needless expositions which take up the better part of half the movie, or perhaps we should just commence with the beginning and go from there.
This 90-minute sequence of moving pictures begins about a minute after the first 90 minute sequence of moving pictures ended - on the Predators' ship. If we put on out smart hats, we will recall that the previous escapade in mediocrity ended with the infected Dr. Zoidberg being taken aboard the overgrown plate, and then, subsequently, the Toyota Prius burst forth from his (its?) chest, being all freaky looking with its freakish freakiness. AVP:R starts with the Mudblood killing everyone on board and causing the flying saucer to crash in the forest, where some guy and his kid is hunting. What follows is a semi-interesting, even a little intense, moment before the Thing and its brothers from the Addams Family fuck up everyone's day. After this moment, the movie completely derails and finds itself firmly in the "So bad - it's bad" camp for cinematic rejects.
There is simply no excuse for the atrocious acting, terrible music, horrid lighting, cheap make-up effects, copy and paste story from every movie ever made, generic writing and mundane, even trite action scenes that pollute every frame of the movie going forward. The biggest sins in this travesty are the characters, which I found to be extremely stupid and irritating, something that the Brothers will achieve in spades again with their next movie - Skyline. Or so I've heard, I haven't actually seen it cos I'm not suicidal. We get to meet a very large, read: way too many, group of characters in a very short amount of time, ensuring that each and every one of them has the depth of a droplet of water in space (this is funny because water cannot sustain its molecular bonds in a vacuum, resulting in it getting pulled apart to its barest elements: H+H+O, which is 3 molecules of gas). Their names aren't important and, in true Slasher movie fashion, each one is given 1 characteristic for the audience to remember them by: we have the Marine mom, who comes home to find that she has become estranged to her 6 or 7 year old daughter, we also meet the husband, but he isn't given any characterisation at all and so I (correctly) assumed that he was just immanent meat-fodder. Then we have the Kid (I say Kid, but he's a 30 year old actor playing a, I would guess, 16-17 year old role) who has a crush on the hot chick but is broke and working a shitty job, in this case - pizza delivery (yes, there is a line where his boss says "Fail to deliver a pizza on time again and you're FIRED"). Also, of course the delivery is to the hot chick's house, who our Kid likes, but who has her guy-jock friends over, and yes, the Kid gets beat down and humiliated. The hot chick, of course, also has feelings for him, but finds it reasonable to associate herself with a group of the most vile and despicable examples of human beings that have ever been committed to film, which would make her a fucking idiot in my book and not someone with whom I'd ever like to spend any significant amount of time with. Um... let's see... oh yes, then we have the kid's brother, who just recently arrived in town and is a badass. We know this because he is greeted by the Sherriff and they talk about how much of a badass he was... fucking subtlety at its finest. Then we have some homeless people in the sewers, we have a pregnant woman in her late 20's working the grill in a shitty bistro, we have a nurse and some other people I can't remember. Bear in mind that we're introduced to them ALL in the span of 10-15 minutes. Yeah.
So then shit goes downhill and it turns out that the Predalien is a-sexual, which is bad news bears to everyone in Small Town, USA. Mr. Hanky hits the fan and people die in horrific ways. Bla bla bla. Also, there's one Super-Predator that comes to Earth to hunt all of the Aliens down, we even get a glimpse of his home planet, which looks cool but, upon any kind of close-ish inspection, one can plainly see that it's a facade. It's not a real civilization, we don't get a sense of how it works, we don't see the regular Predator drones going about their business, doing whatever constitutes a 9-5 work day over there. We don't see the community, or the leaders, or anything, really; just the Pred receiving the SOS signal and jumping into a space pod. For a race of allegedly hyper intelligent, technologically superior beings, they sure are a bunch of fucking primitive brutes that haven't even developed a multi-syllabic language system. Weird. Do they draw? Charade like a motherfucker? We don't know, and that's the problem.
Well, one of the many problems, but really, everything is shot in such mundane and uninterested fashion that, by the time the movie reaches the final act, about 70-ish minutes into the film, we don't care about anything anymore and are so exhausted that the only thing we wish for is for it to fucking end already. I had a massive headache by the time the credits rolled due to the movie being so inexplicably dark, making my eyes constantly go in and out of focus and try to decipher what's happening at any given moment. Thank god it wasn't released in 3D, staring at a pitch black screen for 90 minutes isn't fun no matter how many dimensions you're seeing it in.
I really do like the premise of this movie, and despite what other people have said, I, personally, don't mind the violence - not even that scene when a bunch of Aliens burst from the Pregnant woman's stomach (which is also frustratingly impossible if you think about it from any kind of a biological angle) - the problem is that the whole entire movie is based on these gross-out moments, with nary a whiff of story between them to tie them all together. The characters behave in incredibly unrealistic ways and do bizarre things at bizarre moments simply to progress the chain of events. Plus, as I've stated: the movie is hideous, it's dark to the point where you can't see anything, and at the moments where something potentially exciting even threatens to happen, the Brothers Grim- errr.. I mean, the Brothers Strauss (fun fact: Strauss means Ostrich in Russian) see fit to completely destroy any sense of what's happening on screen by utilizing what is probably the worst Shaky-cam techniques in Hollywood history. When will people learn that it's only exciting when we, the audience, know what the hell is going on? If I want to get motion-sickness (which I can't, but we're talking hypothetically here), I would just ask Michael J. Fox to hold me. It saddens me that something with this much potential was wasted on inept, inexperienced people that have never held a camera before in their lives, and have effectively put a period on the future of the AVP franchise. Maybe it's for the good, maybe not - who knows? I just can't help imagining and wondering what might have been had another studio retained the rights to this potentially promising saga. Sigh.
The fact that AVP:Retard is as shallow as an ant's grave really gives me nothing to sink my teeth into - at least with Predators or Time to Kill I was able to squeeze some faults of logic and/or deeper meanings with its story - but there's nothing deep or logical at all with this, just a bad movie with no redeeming qualities, so I honestly could have saved you a lot of time and simply said that it's a piece of shit, but I like to watch myself type, so instead what you get is 2000 words that state, in different terms, that this movie is, indeed, as bad as everyone says it is.
Thanks for reading, y'all, hope you enjoyed. Please rate and comment - tell me what you thought of AvP:Reject.