Toy Story 3 was an excellent movie imo and one that I enjoyed immensely. It managed to convey a message while still being a children’s movie, something that many animated movies fail to do (eg Wall E). But was it really that simple to understand and appreciate? From what I gather the answer is yes. And thus a curious case follows:

 

I decided to go see TS3 at the cinema with a friend of mine who is obsessed with animated movies. And this was one that I was actually looking forward to. We arrived at the cinema to find it was half filled with parents and their children, the other half filled with couples, friends, singles. Funny enough it was not the children that I worried about but the inordinate number of tweens in our session.

 

My concern was to prove correct. True some kids cried, some asked their parents questions but they’re children and this is their movie. In addition they all laughed and enjoyed themselves which is all you can ask from the movie-goers of tomorrow.

 

Yet what really chapped my ass were the group of tweeny-boppers sitting in the row behind of us. They felt it was their duty to ruin the experience for those around them by talking and complaining throughout. Indeed one felt it was her duty to repeat ‘What the hellllllllllllll???’ at least every 10mins. Bound by societal expectations not to jump the row and beat her I can only look back at this experience with quiet anger and analyse things.

 

You see, the repetition of 'What the helllllllllllll???' throughout a showing of Toy Story 3 by a tween while 4yos got it can only mean one of a few things:

 

1)     she exemplifies the failings of the education system

2)     She's of normal intelligence and it actually represents the higher standard of preschool education that will lead to a generation of geniuses

3)     She is a F**KING STUPID ANNOYING B**CH

 

Now I'm personally leaning towards 3. I’ve tried to accept 1 or 2 but alas they are not to be held responsible for the plentiful number of idiots ruining film sessions the world over.  

 

Indeed, the levels are reaching epidemic proportions and as such I feel that new legislation should be put in place to allow the very physical expulsion of annoying 'people' from cinemas. This would include those who:

 

      -  whisper at a shout

-  feel the need to call out ridiculous phrases, etc to appear cool when in fact they are clearly trying to compensate for certain failings in life

-  Laugh ridiculously loudly a good few mins after the joke is over

-  Kick the back of chairs

-  Put their feet on your armrests from behind

-  Take their shoes off when they have ridiculously bad smelling feet

 

May seem harsh but my gosh are they annoying. There have been plenty of imbiciles who have ruined otherwise enjoyable movies. And that's the main reason I don't really enjoy going to cinemas during the peak nights (eg Fri, Sat)

Two things are keeping me going this year. One is the World Cup which is about to end. The second is possibly even more sacred. It is ‘The Expendables’. Not a single movie has made my heart skip like this as I swoon over the who’s who of (dumb) action stars that helped define my taste in movies to this day. And thus, with no further ado I shall bid you farewell….



‘Best Action Stars’



No doubt a tough list with the golden generation past their prime and the new gen for the most part lacking the, well, PUNch of their elders, there is really nothing to separate some of these action greats.



So what makes a great action star?



It is not the quality of their acting. Nor is it the quality of their movies - indeed it appears that action superstardom is inversely proportional to tomato rating. Nay… it is much more than that. It is a feeling they arouse inside of you. These are real men, their sheer awesomeness awakening the primitive man-imal inside us all.



And now on to the list!



[B]1) Arnold Schwarzenegger [/B]



For millennia has the story of Arnie been prophesised with the Greeks penning his great adventures. The real son of Zeus, Arnie aka Heracles, has many stories regaling his heroic exploits, all of them true. Indeed the movies he has starred in are but small glimpses into the life of the world’s real ‘Last Action Hero’



Best Movie: Junior… T2 obviously



Why we love him: The Austrian Oak’s idiotic grin and lack of acting skills make this brute just that much more loveable. And of course he has starred in some of the greatest action movies ever.





1) Bruce Willis



Bruce Willis is the bastard child of Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson and Joan of Arc. With such a bloodline there is no wonder why this king among men reigns supreme, even trumping Iron Chef France Hiroyuki Sakai! Some astute readers may be wondering how there can be two number ones. Simple. It is unreasonable to compare demi-gods to mere mortals (note the term ‘mere’ is used extremely loosely in presence of such epic company) and Willis’ leadership is second to none.



Best movie: Die Hard 2



Why we love him: In John McClane, Willis has portrayed one of, if not the, greatest action heroes ever. Not to mention the receding hairline and stubble which only further enhances his rugged manliness. Indeed his style has had profound effects on his son, Jason Statham, who has continued the look.





2) Sylvester Stallone



Half man, half horse, all steroids, the Italian Stallion has been a marker of power for ages. The inspiration of Ferrari’s badge, the Stallone is a recent measure of power. 1 Stallone is equivalent to 1x10^10 horsepower. It is theorised that should engineers manage to reach such levels space travel will be a reality. Such is his power that his speech emulates the rumble of great machines often leading to the misunderstanding that he cannot speak properly.



Best movie: Rambo (the recent one)



Why we love him: With movies almost as infamous and entertaining as his articulation Stallone has provided us action classics for decades. However those foolishly attempting to emulate Stallone by going ‘Rambo’ has caused much annoyance to teammates the world over.





3) Steven Seagal



‘No 3!?’ I hear you all exclaim in disbelief. Well Ai-kid-o you not. While your reeling from the blow of that horrible pun imagine what the Aikido master himself could do. Yes, this 7th Dan, trench coat wearing, pony tailed prodigy knocks off movies as easily as he knocks off bad guys! His rotten tomato score of 13% does him no justice. Averaging an amazing 3 movies a year for the past seven years Seagal shows he is indeed ‘Hard to Kill’. However NONE of these straight-to-dvd movies have been rated – a top honour! His last rated movie received an honourable 0%, offering a ‘Glimmer Man’ of hope to this ‘Patriot’ of keeping his 3rd spot in the face of future competition…



Best Movie: All 10,000 of them



Why we love him: This everyday cop (or father) is always ‘Out for Justice’ be it to protect his honour or save his kidnapped daughter. While his moves have slowed down, Seagal hasn’t and his movies continue to define the genre of ‘Dumb Action’. In fact so loved is he in Japan that they released a hit cartoon in his honour – Dragon Ball Z (thus the excruciatingly slow battles) and decided to make the Live Action movie to a similar quality to Seagal’s own.





4) Jason Statham



The son of Bruce Willis and Sigourney Weaver, Jason Arnold Willis Statham was raised in England by his uncle Liam Neeson. A medical marvel, Statham erupted from his mother’s chest as a fully stubbled adult. This, along with a lack of hair on his head, has led scientists to believe that he is actually a hybrid human-xenomorph. This hypothesis is only enhanced by his super-strength and ability to withstand poisons and falls from great heights. His super reactions are the basis for his driving ability and martial arts skills. No genetic testing has been possible due to issues with test tubes melting when his blood is put in.



Best Movie: Crank



Why we love him: Leading a life of badassery inherited from his parents, Statham was original diagnosed with Schizophrenia and sent to jail. During the filming of the documentary ‘Mean Machines’ his talent was noticed and Statham was released on a Community Treatment Order. Out of jail and out for revenge Statham uses his special abilities to provide the best action movies of these times. Indeed it is only out of respect that he has not taken 2nd place.





5) Jean-Claude Van Damme



The first cloned human Gene-Claude Van Damme is a street fighting machine. Despite a name change to Jean to try and hide his unique past his talent remains in full view. Indeed the fear he evokes in his victims has been recognised with a medical term named after him. For those familiar with vascular diseases you will no doubt know about the symptom of pain in the legs after walking a certain distance. There is no surprise as to why this is called ‘Intermittent CLAUDEication’. This pain is the same as that experienced by victims who try to flee.



Best Movie: Universal Soldier



Why we love him: Starting off at the bottom of the pecking order in a time of legends Jean ‘claude’ his way back to the top and will always be remembered by fans of dumb actions and kickboxing the world over. A shame he has indeed been considered expendable L