Misogyny, hot chicks and videogames or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Heist.
Read it (the edited version, I'm afraid) all here. It's a strong contender for the title of greatest drama on RT since Kevin Smith's appearance.
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First-Person-Shooter is perhaps the single most crowded genre in gaming today and in order to truly stand out, games have to either bring something new to the table or do whatever they do with a certain degree of excellence. In Painkiller's case, the game's creator, Polish studio People Can Fly decided to spit in innovation's face, rape it and throw it out of a moving train, all in order to deliver the best "old-school" fps game seen since the days of the Build Engine (or perhaps, more honestly, Serious Sam). In fact, Painkiller is so old-school, its gameplay is even more retarded than the very first fps games. Gone are the basics of the genre; keys-fetching and door unlocking, replaced by small arenas interconnected by closed doors which will open only when all the ennemies in an arena have been killed. That's it. The game takes the concept of room cleaning literally as the sole premise for its gameplay. There's a few twists (two, in fact) but I'll get around to them later.
Holy shit! It's John Edward! Okay, so maybe I should tell you about the Tarot Card right now, since John looks like he's about to fry me with his eyes that can shoot lasers. You see, you're being given an objective in each level that you must accomplish in order to get tarot cards. Tarot cards are basically power-ups that will have various effects and that, depending on the type (we'll call them passive or active), have either a permanent effect or can be used a certain amount of times for each level. In order to use Tarot Cards, you have to place them on your tarot board, which in turn costs various amounts of gold. Gold can be collected during game play, under various forms such as secret gold items hidden in secret spots, gold coins that can be found by break objects (such as jars) or by other various means.
All this gold and tarot stuff, it's all facade to make you believe there's a point in replaying the game. I mean, there's an alternate ending of some sort if you get all the tarot cards but some of them are so ridiculously hard to get, I don't think anyone has even seen that alternate ending. It's just like the cow level from the original diablo. It's all myths! MYTHS, I TELL YOU!
Anyway, now that I've mentionned the bogus tarot card system, let me tell you about what you came here for, the three aspects of Painkiller that have helped it rise above the masses of crap, namely the weapon design, the creature design and the level design. Hurray for quality in design! HURRAY! [...] (editor's note: I deleted the rest of the paragraph because it sucked) .
The monster design is great and wide. Each (or almost) level has its own specific monsters that will rush you in vast numbers. They come at you, you run around backward while you shoot them. Amazing. I know it doesn't sound like much, but with the heavy metal music pumping, the nefarious AI really comes alive under the rain of bullets you'll throw at it. It's just adrenalien pumping, you know?
There's a multiplayer mode, but I haven't tried it. You see, while the engine generates some of the most gorgeous and creative levels seen in a long time (the last level, in which time freezes, is particularly AWESOME!), well, it's a mess. It eats ressources like it was programmed by Microsoft and might voidify your framerate, especially in the largest, most crowded level. And with an engine like that in single-player, well, who would want to try multiplayer?
So there you have it. Conclusion! Repeat what has been said before! SUMMARIZE!
[list][*]Ennemy Design[*]Weapon Design[*]Level Design[*]Fun[*]Old-School[/list]The Bad:
[list][*]Messy Engine[*]Multiplayer? More like mehltiplayer[*]You won't be the cool kid on the block if you play Painkiller. It ain't rad[*]No real replayability[*]Repetitive[/list]The Ugly:
Let me finish this review by saying that the gorgeous Emmanuelle Vaugier played Painkiller Jane in the tv movie version of the comic book of the same name.
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[list][*]So far, 563 films have been rated on this journal.[*]The average rating is 7.27[*]9 movies were rated 10 (not counting top-10)[*]52 movies were rated 9[*]195 movies were rated 8[*]176 movies were rated 7[*]103 movies were rated 6[*]11 movies were rated 5[*]7 movies were rated 4[*]3 movies were rated 3[*]3 movies were rated 2[*]no movies were rated 1[*]4 movies were not rated[/list]
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[QUOTE]Ana is into her first singles semi-final of the year at the Tier I Rogers Cup after overwhelming world No.24 Katarina Srebotnik 6-4, 6-4. It was a remarkable display of power hitting by the 13th seed.
Ana, wearing her new black adidas two-piece outfit, made a shaky start and was broken in her first service game. She double faulted to hand the Slovenian a 2-0 lead.
But the 18-year-old appeared to settle in the next game. She hit two thumping forehand down-the-line winners off Srebotnik serves and converted her first break point.
She took her second break point opportunity in the fifth game thanks to a blistering winner and held to lead 4-2. After further holds of serve Ana clinched the opening set with an ace.
Ana earned herself a break point in first game of the second set. In a hugely entertaining point, she demonstrated her improving athleticism by chasing down a drop shot then retrieving a lob that had gone over her head on the backhand side. She smiled wryly after missing an attempted forehand winner and Srebotnik eventually held.
Ana broke to lead 3-2 but faced a break point in the sixth game. She hit what she thought was a clean forehand winner only for the umpire to overrule it. Ana invoked Hawk-Eye, the automatic line calling system and made a successful challenge, smiling as she saw the result on the big screen.
However, the umpire appeared to make another mistake by not awarding Ana the point. Instead, it was replayed and Ana won it before saving another break point with her 16th forehand winner of the match. Srebotnik did manage to break but Ana then broke again to love to lead 4-3.
Another pair of breaks were exchanged, leaving Ana to serve for the match at 5-4. She clinched victory when Srebotnik touched the net while running down a dropshot, though Ana smacked a forehand winner just for good measure.
The 18-year-old jumped up and down with delight as she reached her second ever Tier I semi-final.
Ana, who will face ninth seed Dinara Safina in the last four tomorrow, hit 41 winners at an average of 2.05 per game during the match, which lasted an hour and 21 minutes.[/QUOTE]
Ana Ivanovic is HOT, yo. And let me tell you something about that "black adidas two-piece outfit"... it made me horny. M. Night hasn't got shit on my twist endings.
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Stuart Gordon is THE man. He's always making Poe/H.P. Lovecraft-inspired movies and when he's not dwelling into the horror genre, he's busy making movies about giant robots wrestling, space truckers or Chris Lambert stuck in a futuristic prison with chaingun-equipped robots.
Anyway, Dagon marks the return of Gordon to the H.P. Lovecraft ground, 6 years after his last adaptation and the man has clearly not forgotten his roots. Despite an obviously rather slim budget, the man succeeds in creating an amazing atmosphere by using mostly sounds, shadows and background characters. Gamers everywhere are sure to notice that Dagon must have been a huge influence on the massively critically acclaimed 2005 game, Resident Evil 4; by its Spanish coast setting, mutated countryfolks antagonists and the constant feeling of being surrounded.
The movie tells the story of Paul Marsh, played by Jeffrey Combs-lookalike Ezra Godden, who's on a cruise with his girlfriend and two read-to-die characters no one really cares about. After an accident on the coast of Spain, he is forced to ask for help in a local town who, well, worship Cthulhu or something. I'm afraid I don't know much about Lovecraft's universe. Anyway, Paul needs to survive, so he runs around a lot, uses whatever he can find to defend himself (thank god for movies in which tons of guns don't just lie around) and eventually, well, the film ends. Wasn't that the greatest plot summary you ever read?
So, there you have it. Great atmosphere thanks to the great work of a few dedicated set-builders, good cinematography, a nifty way to adapt Lovecraft's complex creatures using methods within the limits of the budget and basically, just a sweet setting to put a decent (although somewhat peppered with holes) plot in.
If you love mythical horror and/or if you like Stuart Gordon's other work, check it out.
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[QUOTE]Press: Could you please briefly describe the trip itself?
Heist: Day one, we arrived in Warsaw. Ate a bit, caught 3 hours of sleep and went bowling to honor the memory of Jeffrey Lebowski. Visited old-Warsaw too a bit, but since the trip had taken close to 10 hours, we didn't do much on the first day. Day two, we visited Auschwitz. It was a bit morbid. Day 3 (I think), we were in Krakow. Visited two castles and the salt mines. We then left for Zakopane, a small highly-commercial mountain town in the south-east of Poland. Spent two days there. We then visited the girlfriend's aunt in the mort western part of southern Poland. We then went back to Warsaw for the rest of the trip. Visited the war museum, amongst other things.
P: We'd like to know, which part of your trip did you like best?
H: The two days spent in western-south Poland were great for relaxation and were a nice change from the over-commercial Zakopane. The salt mines were the most impressive and the war museum had many, many world war 2 weapons.
P: How were the women?
H: Mighty, mighty fine. The most frequent hair/eyes color combination was blonde/blue, but there were a lot of brown-haired blue-eyed beauties too, which you don't see very often around here. The women were usually in great shape and dressed sensually. I've bought some sort of Polish Maxim while there, I'll post scans on the journal eventually.
P: Caught any soccer?
H: No, but we did manage to see a Wisla Krakow practice (because they were practicing right next to an hotel where we slept for our last night in Krakow). I was told they were the best team in Poland. They looked quite good from what I could see during the practice, anyway.
P: Any random facts for us?
H: I saw two 15 years old girls with boob jobs. I saw a girl with a body that was clearly a gift from God to men share her beautiful breasts with the common mortal in the most legal way she could think of in order to benefit most males (read a very tight white t-shirt with no bra). The population of stray dogs in Poland in exceedingly high. McDonald's tastes exactly the same in Poland as it does in Canada. There are no such things as spicy food in Poland, even if you're eating mexican food. The switch for the lights in the W.C. are outside the W.C.
P: How are the female pop-stars in Poland?
H: Tall, blonde, blue-eyed and fake-breasted. Every single one of them.
P: How about a few food facts?
H: Polish people spread lard on their bread. Too much cabbage in their food. Polish people make sushi. Sausages. Cheese. Bread. Every. Morning.[/QUOTE]
Actual text to follow eventually.
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...to Poland for two weeks. I'll be making a stop in Hamster's Dam (with the strong intention of hitting the coffee shops and the Red Light District). So here's looking at you, European RT/Axis Members. The Heist is coming to a town near you, don't miss him.
In other news, to celebrate our last day of school ever (hopefully), my friends and I (I should note that only two of us are actually done with school, most of them still have one or two remaining semesters) decided to go to "The Loft" some bar with a terrace on top of it. Good (or maybe not so good) alcohol was consumed and no one got home using the vehicles that had them brought there (read: everybody was too drunk to drive and had to use Taxis instead).
Good times, somewhat not as good morning headaches.
I'll make sure to try and post inappropriate pictures of Auswitchz.
RT User rotten_simplicity sent this private message to me:
[QUOTE]You know, your rant and rave about why jesus hate goths, and so on, but do you even know a goth? Do you even know someone who is REALLY truly a goth and not some poser mother ****er.I'm not christain, I don't give a **** about jesus, or got, or any of that b.s. but it does tick me off the way you label and condem. I'm not a goth in the sense you say. Hell, according to the way you talk, I'm just another person. Ok, so maybe I am, but you really have no idea w.t.f. your talking about. I don't dress in all black 24/7, I don't wear all the make-up all the time or try to claim I'm so anti-everything and so indivudual. I'm just trying to live my life the way I want. I mean, I write poetry, but those ****ty examples you gave were pathetic. Try some real poetry. All I'm saying is stop jumping conclusions. You ***** about goths and the way we are, but your not much different. Don't throw stones at a glass house if you wouldn't throw at your own. ^_^ thanks and **** off.[/QUOTE]
Here's a picture of said user:
Nope, according to the way I talk, you're not just another person. Sorry, just another person doesn't wear that much makeup. But remember kids, this is not about me. This is about Jesus. So I phoned Jesus and here's what he had to say:
[QUOTE=Jesus, the son of God]Hey babe, I used to know plenty of goths in high-school. They were big D&D freaks. And they hated anything mainstream. So, am I generalizing? No. Because all goths are geeks with O.D.D. Why do you think they're goths in the first place? Do you think a normal person would dress in black during summer and wear all that makeup because they enjoy it?
No babe, you're all sheep. You just don't realize it yet. I realized it though, that's why I'm different. That's why I am Jesus, your shepherd.
Say, you look sort of hot under all that clown makeup. Why don't you and I hook up, I'll make you feel some of that good pain you so crave, babe.
Jesus, signing out.
AKA: Operation Self-Esteem Annihilation Part 2
A while ago, www.mp3.com was a website where amateur "artists" could upload their mp3s for the rest of the world to "enjoy". Me and a bunch of friends decided to abuse it and recorded some of the shittiest, trashiest songs you've ever heard and then uploaded them on the website. Thankfully, mp3.com stopped being a shit website and now they're pretty much a promotional website for big mainstream artists. Sadly, I managed to save some of the mp3s before they scrapped them and now I've uploaded them to my crap website. Let's listen in:
Oh boy. That one's mine. You can tell by the out-of-synch guitar and drum loops and the idiotic screaming. Man, I was one pissed off little retard back then.
C-Man in tha house, yo
C-Man was a dude from the music website. He pre-recorded himself busting rhymes without a beat and I added the beat after. It actually sticks together for about 3 seconds.
Totally Unagressive song with happy lyrics
I'd rather warn you, that's probably the most annoying "song" ever recorded. It starts off with me screaming like a retard for no reason, then it cuts to an audio part stolen from Evil Dead 3 and then it gracefully finishes with me screaming a bunch of insults, some of them in french. 5$ says you can't make it through the entire thing.
Dj Pro in tha house, yo
The only song recorded by someone with a minimum of talent also happens to be the shittiest sounding one. Too bad, because it kinda rocks, in its own special way.
Mc Master Gilles VS Guy Homes
Again, two guys recorded themselves with no beat and I added some sample I stole somewhere I can't remember. I'm the one saying "yiiih" and talking between the rapping parts. The first guy raps in french and the second guy, a punker before the almighty, says "Yo yo, this is McMasterGilles, telling you to rap on. I'm PREP!". No, I'm not kidding.
Motherfucking piece of lesbo
Dj Poche goes freestyle. And I really mean freestyle. He improvises the vocals and the music... at the same time. And it's called Motherfucking piece of lesbo. C'mon!
Dj Poche's first song sounds surprisingly good. ICQ sounds actually fit in the music.
A christmas/techno song by me. Even crappier than it sounds.
And because I might as well post them here too, two brothers (guitarist and drummer) from that music website recorded two (the first one isn't about anything) songs about the forum users. The guy they make fun of was G-Mack, some middle-aged guy who took things way too seriously.
A grindcore song. Not too shabby.
Their opus. Words cannot describe this song. Gotta love their Ah-Nuld impersonation. I think they were making fun of Number8 at the end (oh yeah, Number8 posted there before posting at RT, just so you know).
The bitch took the whole thang
The infamous brothers do rap. With a Chevy BLAZAH!
note: all the links should be working now