Posted on 9/02/09 07:14 AM
I enter the Theatre. I look for a place to sit down. There are maybe 5 people in the theatre. I choose my usual middle-of-the-theatre seat. Right in front of some twenty something couple. Probably cursing me because I chose to sit right in front of them when literally there is no one else here. I smile politely as I sit down. Everything has a feeling of déjà vu. Have I been here before watching the same movie? I look down at my hand holding 3-D Glasses. This is definitely different! This could be great even! But then I have a vision or a premonition. I see various objects thrown at me in 3-D but they make no sense. A rock? A sharp pole? Another sharp pole? I also see a cast of twenty something's getting murdered by "freak" accidents. Have I seen all this before? I snap out of my vision or dream and put on my 3-D glasses. The giant screen just told me that it was ok?
I have always feared NASCAR races. The fast cars. The continuous left turns. The yuppies in the crowd. The racist redneck up front. The people at the race play like a stereotyped checklist. Wait. The yuppies (there are 4 of them) keep talking. One of the two guys is less aggravating. He must be the hero. His girlfriend is too nice. He will probably have to save her towards the end. Oil pour on the raceway. A car slips on the oil?wait what? No one notices?Our yuppie main character seems jittery. He is looking at a broken bench. A creaked cement support. His too nice girlfriend tell him not to worry. Oh my god some mechanic left a tool in the back of some car. Looks like it might fall! It did and it caused a giant crash! Cars are flying towards the stand and crushing people. A tire is thrown my way! People getting impaled!..by a sharp pole? Dang it! I have seen this before. Someone getting crushed by an engine? Wait?where is the rest of the car? After everyone dies a horrible death. The main yuppie wakes up and we are taking back to the beginning of this scene?sigh this is exactly like the previous installments. I wait patiently for the set up. The hero for no explanation whatsoever has visions. Those visions now it seems are excuse to throw 3-d objects at me for no reason.
See I liked the Final destination movies. I can even accept the total lack of character development. I don't want to care too much about them because you know the fun is seeing how they get killed. The second installment was my favorite because of the way all the death were constructed. They were inventive and much more fun to watch. But here it doesn't seem like they are trying at all. It seems like as long as they show something in 3-D its enough. The last 3-D horror movie "my bloody valentine" at least tried a lot harder by going way over the top with its gory kills(flying lower mandible?). This movie fails because of its lack of imagination not its execution.
They did manage to have one decent actual character. The security guard played Mykelti Williamson manages to bring one of the most interesting characters in this franchise so far but that is not saying much. All the characters eventually die in a certain order. At one point during all those deaths there is a 3-d effect. That is pretty much the movie. In 82 minutes. So after the disappointing finale. I take off my glasses. I get up. I hear a few people clapping. They seemed to enjoy the movie. Good for them. I didn't hate it. I just left the theatre with a feeling of déjà vu. Like this has been done before. But just better. And more fun. And it didn't have to be in 3-D.
Epic Level: 1 out of 5 Definitely the worst installment in the franchise. Minus a star for poor use of 3-D.
Etienne, Epic Ego Flying Shrapnel