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Posted on 1/12/12 10:50 PM
I must admit something, I watched the other three films in the "franchise" with rifftrax commentary only. This film however, I am disappointed to say, was watched within the confines of a theater. My friend's girlfriend bought me a ticket so we could all go "enjoy" the newest film, not knowing I despise every single fiber of this so called "saga"
I must say, that even without the commentary of Mike, Kevin and Bill, Twilight is nearly as hilarious. This film is devastatingly bad, on a level I nearly can't describe in words. The actor's are completely stiff, awkward and their delivery of the preposterous dialogue borders on some of the worst I've seen since Plan 9. The story is about as superfluous and meaningless as it gets.
So, with that out of the way, I'll concentrate on the real reasons why Twilight is such a poorly written and conceived "saga", the obvious and numerous contradictions within it's own setting.
Vampires are shown to be made of what I can only guess is porcelain, lacking any fluid in any way. Yet, Edward somehow gets a chub and knocks up Bella. That's one point for impossible, another is the fact that Vampires are dead, meaning no new cells being created, meaning no genetic 'material' being created for the purpose of said knocking up. Another point for impossible.
They are shown to sparkle in the light of day, yet when in Rio, not a twinkle from Edward.. so, even with the contrived and ridiculous spins made on the vampire myth, it can't be consistent within the confines of it's own lore.
The vampires are starving in the second half of the movie as they are unable to feed because of oversized cg wolves sieging their estate. Yet when Bella becomes sicker and they find that the baby needs blood to survive, the father of the house magically produces dozens of bags of blood for her to drink. One, drinking blood would do nothing for this baby hell beast as blood would simply dissolve and breakdown within the stomach. Two, if the baby is connected to Bella in any way, say, an umbilical cord, it would be getting blood anyway. Three, if dozens of bags of human blood were in the house, the vampires would have devoured them by that point, what with them going out of control when smelling or seeing blood.
There are more, however, this movie really doesn't deserve analysis, and the fact that I spent my time writing this is a testament to my own stupidity. In fact, I'll end the review with one line, a quote made by the great Thomas Jefferson.
"All Twilight needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent."
Maybe it was "All tyranny needs" can't remember, doesn't matter.. It applies all the same.