Thirty-five. That is the approximate number of times I bellowed the
usual two-word, seven- letter refrain at the screen while watching this
abomination of cinema. That would bring the total number of instances
I've bellowed this phrase at a movie to perhaps forty.

Every other movie I've ever seen is a better movie than 'Amelie', but
it will appeal very well to people who'd rather live in a different
universe. It picks up real, living humans and uses them like toys, like
terminally uninformed parodies of humanity. It squanders reality. See
that bar-maid there? That actress playing her is probably a fascinating
woman - I'm SURE she's a fascinating woman - people tend heavily to be
fascinating. Sadly though, this cartoon of a movie allows no
manifestation of any side of any of its performers' personalities to
show through at any point. I have never, ever been more infuriated by a
movie. Jean-Pierre Jeunet's previous film was 'Alien: Resurrection',
which goes part-way, but not all the way, in explaining how this movie
is as bad as it is.

Although there is ever so much more to be said, that's about all I'm
going to say about 'Amelie'. I'd like to tell you that this is because
the film's Hadesian wretchedness is beyond my ability to properly
describe, but that would constitute a falsehood on the scale of
'Amelie'. The truth is that I am dismayed by the idea of exerting any
more mental energy contemplating this grotesque puppet show. That the
film receives such unbroken acclaim is a dreary testament to the desire
of so very many people to escape from any form of recognizable life.
For Jean-Pierre Jeunet to spit in my face would be so much kinder than
what he did to me by making this movie it would constitute an
atonement.

(Note: Buried in the film's sound-track is one of the greatest songs
I've ever heard; a version of 'Guilty' sung by Albert Bowlly in 1931.
An acquaintance haplessly gave this film to me, and afterwards I told
her that, although it was the single most detestable film I'd ever
seen, without it I'd surely have gone the rest of my days without
having heard that sublime melody, and was grateful to her. My
relationship with that song will end only at the hour of my death,
unlike my relationship with this film and its director, which
terminates with the completion of this sentence.)