Posted on 8/01/12 05:31 AM
How to make a Hollywood comedy in 2012, AKA - how to market a lame, unfunny piece of shit so it appear to be a comedy with actual humor:
Start by casting the trendy, attractive it girl all the guys at Comicon fantasize about screwing in between WOW sessions. Add in several scenes of said woman in panties. Extra points if she strips down to panties on camera, and double extra points if a fat guy watches her strip down to panties. Triple points if the fat guy falls from a roof/window/ledge high enough to kill someone, but in the movie just kind of bounces and makes a load OOOOOOH noise. If he lands on some prized possession - car/roses/chihuahua - consider yourself to have hit a grand slam in the 9th inning of the 7th game of the world series.
Next toss in a car chase. Add points if car is something weird like a school bus or limo. More points if car is stolen and even more if cops start chasing. Then throw in several totally implausible scenes such as a couple at a party offering someone their sperm. Of course have a hapless, put upon, but mildly attractive guy who appears to be the only "sane" one amongst his idiotic friends.
Lastly, , mix in random and unnecessary stoner scenes where 35 year old stoners smoke pot and say something stupid. Add points if stoner scene takes place in back of car or in the video game room of one of the hapless heroes friend's homes and voila! You have just written a script Hollywood will green light.
You - as lucky scribe - will get paid several million dollars, will be called upon to "tweak" other comedy scripts that come in without those elements (again making millions per rewrite). And best news...? You will finally have the money to attract and screw the sexy it girl all the guys at Comicon want to screw. OK, so by now there will most likely be a new sexy it girl because the old sexy it girl has turned 30 and hasn't made a movie for a while because she kept making crap like The Babymakers, but that won't diminish your cred with the older Comicon dudes when they see you walk in holding her hand.